Noah’s lips twitched. “No, Estella, I’m not going to tell you, I’m going to show you.”
My heart started to pound. “Show me how?”
“First, go upstairs, and put on some normal clothes.”
I glanced down at the crumpled uniform I’d been sitting in all evening. “Are we going somewhere?”
“Yes. Go get changed.”
Just like that, excitement took hold. I shouldn’t be excited, and I definitely shouldn’t go anywhere with Noah, but after Vee’s outburst I really didn’t want to be in this house right now. I returned to my room, grabbed a black, long sleeved, V-neck top and some jeans. I found my old Doc Marten boots and laced them up before twisting my hair into a bun. When I came back out, Noah was standing by the front door, Vee’s car keys dangling from his hand.
“Are you going to tell me where we’re off to?”
He gave a casual shrug. “Either come with me or stay here. It’s your choice.”
I hesitated a moment, but my curiosity got the better of me. Maybe I also had a little bit of an adventurous streak. I climbed into the car and put on my seat belt. There was quiet as Noah pulled out of the driveway. We exited the town and got on the motorway, heading towards the city.
“Why did you leave all those books in my room?” I asked a few minutes into the drive.
Noah took a moment to answer, like he was weighing his words. “You strike me as someone who’s looking for answers. I thought maybe you’d find some in one of those books.”
“Are they yours?”
“They were.” His eyes flicked to mine. “But now they’re yours.”
Something warm filled my chest, emotion catching in my throat. Why was I so touched he’d given me books that once belonged to him? Books that had meant something to him since they were well worn. He obviously read them over and over.
“You don’t want them back? Not ever?”
“I’m a lost cause, Estella. Your God can’t save me. Nor anyone else’s.” There was a piercing look in his eyes now. “You’re not a lost cause, just a lost soul. And souls are always capable of being saved.”
“You don’t believe you have a soul?” I asked curiously.
“If I do, I haven’t seen it in a long time.”
“Everybody has a soul,” I whispered.
“Well, sure,” Noah said. “If you believe in souls. Just …” he trailed off, his hands flexing on the steering wheel as he cast me a quick, sincere look. “Just remember that no matter how insightful the ideas and philosophies you read in those books are, they were all written by humans, and humans are often wrong. The truth can be masked by many things, which means you have to dig past a lot of bullshit to find the tiniest grain of wisdom.”
I gazed at him, a warmth blooming in my chest. I found I quite liked it when Noah got insightful. “It’s a good thing I don’t mind digging,” I said, smiling at him now. I studied his profile as he focused on the road. “You were right, you know.”
“About what?”
“When you said there’s a lot to believe in religion. I think you’re too focused on everything that isn’t worth believing in though, and that’s why you can’t find your soul anymore. It’s buried under too much disbelief.”
Noah cast me a quick glance. “Save your breath. I’ve left my days of existential angst behind me. I don’t have it in me to keep trying to understand the meaning of the world, or to ponder why bad things happen to good people. It’s a futile quest anyway. Now I just live my life, and whatever happens when I die, I’ll deal with it if and when it comes.” A pause as humorous glint came into his eyes. “Then again, I might have some regrets if hell does exist and my arse gets barbecued for all eternity.”
“Who says you’d be going to hell?”
A dark shadow passed over him. “Just a hunch.”
“But don’t you want to believe in something?”
“Of course, I want to. I tried to, but I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I look at the world and see too many reasons not to.”
His words made something inside of me deflate, because I knew how he felt. Sometimes I wallowed over the crap hand Dad and I were dealt and wondered how God could let it happen. But then I had to remind myself life wasn’t supposed to be easy. Struggle and heartache and loss existed so their shadows could contrast with the light of happiness, love and belonging.
I studied Noah, wondering if I could somehow find a way to prove my argument to him. Something inside of me refused to accept he was the lost cause he claimed to be. But then, maybe he just didn’t need God like I did. Lots of people existed quite happily without religious or spiritual belief.