‘There is something I need to speak to you about. Something important.’
Not a headache, then. Nor did he seem displeased. ‘What is wrong?’
Grant had not put on his gloves and she peeled off her own so she could slide her hand into his. It was warm and steady and closed around her fingers in a reassuring grip.
‘Absolutely nothing is wrong, quite the opposite, in fact, but I think I will wait until we are home before I tell you.’
‘Very well.’ Comforted, she settled back and did her best to contain her curiosity.
* * *
In her bedchamber Kate handed over her evening cloak and gloves to Wilson and then dismissed the maid and waited with what patience she could muster.
Grant was normally reserved, she knew that from experience, but this seemed to be a secret out of the ordinary. Perhaps Prinny had offered him a diplomatic post and he was doubtful whether she was prepared to sail to Brazil. Or he had decided to take Holy Orders. Or buy a very large and expensive yacht. Or...
‘Kate. I have never told you this... In fact, I have only just realised it, but this marriage makes me very happy. You make me very happy. I cannot recall ever feeling like this. Not all the time.’
She hadn’t heard the door open and, lost in fantasies about sea voyages and cathedral closes, she could only stare at him. For a second she thought she heard him say I love you, then her brain made sense of what he had actually said and her pulse seemed to stutter. ‘You... Grant, did you just say that I make you happy?’
‘Yes.’ He raised a quizzical eyebrow, seemingly expecting more of a reaction. ‘I realise it is rather a sudden declaration, but is it so surprising?’
‘When?’ Her voice was strangely croaky. ‘When did you realise it? I had no idea you had been feeling unhappy.’
‘I haven’t.’ He shrugged. ‘Well, about Madeleine, of course. But I had become used to thinking happiness was a matter of fleeting pleasures, of the absence of pain. This evening, at the top of the stairs just before we reached the receiving line, I realised that it is a positive thing, something that can fill me—and all because of you. Not the most convenient location for a revelation of that kind, you must admit.’
No wonder he had seemed so strange. Kate realised she was simply staring at Grant, unable to articulate a sensible response. Like, I love you. And perhaps you are in love with me and don’t realise it.
‘I’m sorry to be so dramatic about it.’ He came further into the room and the door closed behind him with a click that made her jump. ‘But I never speak to you about how I feel for you, how much I treasure what you have done at Abbeywell to make it into a home, how good you are with Charlie. I feel as though you have lifted a weight off my soul that I never realised was there. If that makes me sound ridiculous, I can’t help it. I thought I ought to be open about how I felt.’
That was heaping coals of fire on her smarting conscience. Grant was offering her an honest declaration of his feelings when she did not deserve it, when she had lied to him in fact and by omission. But there was one thing she could be honest with him about, something she could give him, a response to his declaration. Not the full truth, of course, not that she loved him. She had been waiting too long for him to say it first, now she suspected he never would and her own love would be a burden to him.
Kate stood up and went to stand in front of him, linked her hands behind his neck and looked up into the steady green eyes. ‘You make me happy, too. More than happy. With all my heart I am glad that you married me.’
He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against hers and sighed, a long, slow, difficult breath. ‘Kate. Kate, I am sorry I never said these things before. I am not very good at emotions, I don’t know how to be.’
‘I understand.’ She thought she did. He had grown up without his parents’ marriage as a model. He had been raised by an elderly widower and married to a woman who had rejected and hurt him. Somewhere, deep inside, in a place he probably didn’t even know existed, he had raised barriers to ever making himself as vulnerable as love would render him.
‘You don’t have to say things, to pretend to feelings you do not have. It is enough to know I make you happy. I just need you to know you make me happy, too,’ Kate said, picking her way through, wary of saying anything that would make him suspect she loved him, force him to say the words that would be a lie. ‘You were my Christmas miracle when you found me in that bothy and saved us. I am so glad I am your wife.’ She stood on tiptoe and kissed him, and after the faintest hesitation he kissed her back, slowly, tenderly.