Pure, flooding relief cascaded over me at her words. I pulled her into me and held on for dear life. The idiom was a perfect description of me. I held onto my girl for dear life.
THE hair at the back of her neck was a little damp. I could mess about in her hair for hours. I loved the softness of it, the texture, the smell, everything. As soon as she’d asked me how she could help me, I’d showed her exactly how.
I think she knew because she had “helped” me before, allowing me to find a small measure of comfort in her body by using sex to drown out the demons. Now came the hard part. The part where I apologized for my beastly reaction of using her like a tranquilizer.
Spooning on our sides, I breathed her in and cradled our little bun-in-the-oven with my hand. I was looking forward to feeling a kick or a fist pump, but hadn’t been so lucky yet. Brynne brought her hand to cover mine on her stomach and sighed in contentment. Which made me feel miles better. A satisfied Brynne was a good start.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” I finally whispered at her ear. “Forgive me…”
“You have nothing to be sorry about, Ethan, ever. All I care about is that you know I’m here for you and that I love you. That’s what’s important to me.” She yawned sleepily and patted over my hand. “Go to sleep now.”
My eyes snapped open. Did I just hear her correctly? She wasn’t going to interrogate me about my nightmare, or demand I go “talk” to some headshrinker about the shit in my fucked-up past? Her actions made me curious.
“Brynne?” I nuzzled the back of her shoulder.
“Hmmm?”
“Why aren’t you disturbed by what I—what I did tonight? My nightmare?” I asked carefully, my lips pressing down on her skin with a kiss as soon as the question was out of my mouth.
“I spoke to Dr. Roswell about your PTSD.”
My body tensed as I struggled with feelings of betrayal for a moment, but I held off, because I was sure there was more in the way of an explanation from her. Brynne was not the hothead I was. She thought about things before she said them. Most of the time. And if I was in her shoes, I would probably do the same. My condition was no secret to her anymore. Why pretend with the only person I could even trust?
“Well, I didn’t tell her very much, just that you have bad flashbacks from your time as a prisoner in the army. I asked her how I could help you.” She rolled around to face me, her expression telling the truth in her words. “Because I love you, Ethan, and I will do anything to bring you out from that dark place if I can.”
“You do already. You have from the beginning,” I told her. “You’re the only thing that helps me.” I traced her cheekbone with my finger, wishing I could tell her I’d never have another flashback, or wake her from a sound sleep with barking-mad ravings in the night. I would do it again. I might never stop doing it.
“So Dr. Roswell told me a little about the way the trauma memories work,” she began cautiously, her voice like a soft caress.
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“What did she say?” I managed to ask.
“She told me that people with PTSD will do almost anything to avoid having to remember the events. It’s too painful and terrifying.”
Dr. Roswell is right.
She shook her head slowly. “So I won’t ask anymore…I’ll just be here for you. Whatever you need from me¸ I’m here for you. Sex? To bring you out of it if that’s what you need. With no pressure to talk it out if you don’t want to.” She swallowed and her throat flexed in the hollow of her neck. The cool touch of her hand on my cheek came next. “I know now that when I pushed you to talk to me about your nightmares I was just making it harder on you. I’m so sorry, Ethan, I thought talking would help you. I didn’t know I was hurting you by trying to force you—”
I kissed her, cutting off her words. I’d heard plenty. Beautiful words of acceptance that went further to heal me than anything probably ever could. I knew this was true. My girl had just helped me to take the first step. Maybe now, with her unconditional support, I could find the courage to go out and find some help somewhere.
Brynne brought her hands into my hair and gripped hard, letting me know she was going to be right with me through and through. God, I loved her so much it was beyond what I could ever express. It was just something I would have to hold inside me. I was the only one who could ever know how deep my love went for Brynne.
When I finally ended our kiss, I still held her against me because I couldn’t bear to let her out of my arms. Could not fucking bear it. I had to hold onto her for the rest of that night.
CHAPTER 10
19th October
Scotland
BRYNNE and I were dressed for a wedding, but we weren’t the bride and groom. That honour went to Neil and Elaina today. That is if Neil didn’t drop dead from anxiety before he could say the vows to his bride.
“You’re going to wear a hole in this ancient stone floor if you don’t stop pacing like a lunatic. Are you going to sit in the corner and start cradling back and forth, too?” I couldn’t help myself, the opportunity to wind him up was just too sweet to pass over.
Neil shot me a death glare and kept right on with the back-and-forth. “Easy for you to say that to me, now that you’re already married. I remember how mental you were in that room before you said your vows to Brynne. You would’ve smoked your Blacks three at a time if we hadn’t hidden your stash away where you couldn’t find them.”
I shook my head. So that’s where my smokes went. Fuckers. “Listen mate, all will be well in a very short time. You’re starting to worry me.”