My dreams. . . What good is dreaming if the world is against you?
Both my parents are gone, my brother is moving on with his life, and here I am not knowing where I belong in the mix.
Buttercup nudges me with his nose, knocking me out of the trance I'm in. “All right, come on, let's keep moving.”
The ground turns from soft to squishy. My feet slip over the slick mud as I try to balance on the narrow strip of land between the mountain and the water. Pressing my back against the rock wall, I take small steps.
Water is splashing against my ankles and boots as the waves angrily crash in front of me. Stopping for a second, I squint as I try to focus on the trail. It widens up ahead, which is a relief.
Taking another step forward, my heel slides as the ground crumbles beneath my feet. Throwing out my hand, I try to grab on to something, but it's useless. All the rain has weakened and saturated the earth, leaving it like quicksand under my feet.
Hitting the icy cold water, I inhale a sharp, shallow breath. I'm taken under in an instant as my pack soaks up the rushing water like a sponge. Kicking my legs, I frantically move my arms, trying to reach for something. A rock. A root. Anything to grab hold to and stop myself from being sucked down the river. Something to push against so I can get to the surface.
The water is too strong, and it’s tossing me around like a rag doll. But I don't give up. I kick and I swim, trying to hold my breath and not inhale big gulps of water. My face breaks the surface for the briefest moment.
Buttercup is barking, chasing me down the river. Gasping for air, I'm instantly dragged back under as a rolling rapid steals me away again. My hands are clawing for something, anything at all to latch onto.
With one jerk, I'm not moving. Looking around under water, my pack is caught on a fallen tree. The surface seems so far away. My eyes are open, but no matter how much I stretch my arms, I can't reach the top.
Fuck! Come on!
My heart is racing and my lungs burn for oxygen. Frantically, I pull and yank on my backpack, trying desperately to free myself. It's useless. Everything in my body aches, my chest screaming for a breath.
Leave it, Melody!
Wriggling my arms free, I abandon my bag and kick as hard as I can to the surface. Inhaling air and water, I'm taken back under again. This isn't how I pictured this trip. I imagined serenity, quiet, peace, time to myself. Not this. Not death.
Is this how I die? Is this it for me?
The thought causes adrenaline to surge through my veins, giving me the strength to swim harder. I can see the sun sparkling in the sky as I'm thrown back and forth by the angry currents. Kicking my legs, my foot gets caught between a rock and a tree.
I'm losing the strength to fight. I'm tired and aching, rapidly becoming disoriented, and not sure I have much more left to give in this struggle. Yanking my foot free, the water shoves me forward, causing my head to smack on another rock.
No! I'm not dying today! Not like this.
Using every last bit of strength I have, I swim as hard as I can to the surface. My face pops free, and I inhale the biggest breath I can. And as if someone is looking out for me from above, a thick branch suddenly appears out of nowhere.
Grabbing on tight, I'm dazed and woozy as I pull myself back to the shore. Giving myself one last push, I throw my body onto the bank. My fingers dig into the dirt as I cough hard, trying to catch my breath. In between breaths I cough up river water, burning my throat as
Buttercup's right there, licking me and barking at the same time. He's pushing his nose against mine, and running circles around my body, splayed out in exhaustion. With my face in the mud, I muster enough energy to give him a light pat on the side.
“All right, boy, I'm okay.”
It hurts to breathe. My chest is on fire with every breath, and every muscle in my body aches. Lifting my face, the world starts to spin, so I drop my cheek back into the mud.
“Ugh,” I groan, rolling onto my back. Pushing myself up, I rub my head where it hit the rock. “That sucked,” I say to my dog. “But I'm alive. Thank God I'm alive.”
I've never had my life flash before my eyes. But it did today, and I'm so thankful to be sitting in the mud, breathing the fresh air, and feeling the sun on my face.