“Yes, with Emma. But Dylan… we don’t have the emotional resources to help him, Ally. Surely you can see that. Beth was pissed off today when she came over, and I could hardly blame her.”
“If we don’t take care of him, who will?”
“DCF can get another foster family. It’s not like we’re the only ones out there.”
“But Dylan is just starting to make positive steps. To change everything on him now… it’s not as if he’s any trouble, Nick.”
“He woke up every night you were gone. Screaming his head off.”
Anxiety tightens my stomach. “Were you able to settle him?”
“Eventually. But it took hours.”
“It will be different now that I’m here.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good thing.”
I stare at him, trying to discern his flat tone. “What do you mean?”
“The point of foster care isn’t for him to bond with you, Ally. It’s for him to get back with Beth. And, frankly, she seems completely capable to me, so I don’t know why DCF doesn’t just give him back now. The whole thing has gotten out of hand, if you ask me.”
“There are other issues…”
“Yeah, ours. We can’t deal with it anymore, Ally. I think that’s obvious. Our daughter tried—”
“I know what she tried, Nick.” I don’t want him to say it out loud. I don’t want Nick to say any of this; I can’t bear the thought of Dylan being passed around like a hot potato, and selfishly, I know, I also don’t want him to go. He is the one child in this house who actually acts as if he both needs and wants me.
“I’m not sure your relationship with him is helping Beth,” Nick says quietly, and my hackles rise instinctively.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“You’re not her replacement.”
“I’m not trying to be.”
“Sometimes it feels like you are. Or you’re trying to outdo her in some way.”
“What!” I stare at him, full of outrage. “You’ve never said anything like this before.” I can’t believe he’s leveling these accusations at me now. They feel so unfair.
“I suppose I saw it more, while you were gone.”
“How, since I wasn’t here?” I can’t keep the acid from my tone, or from feeling that Nick is playing this card because he thinks it might guilt me into giving Dylan up. “Maybe we should include Beth more,” I say a bit recklessly. Nick doesn’t respond. “Invite her to things. Have her over. She has two visitations a week now, and you’re right, the goal is to be supportive of her. So we should be doing that, not just passing him along.”
Nick stays silent. I know that was not what he was hoping to achieve with his remarks, and I’m not sure I want to spend that much more time with Beth, but it makes sense. I can’t take her place. The court hearing is in six weeks.
“What about Emma? And Josh, for that matter?” he asks finally as he switches out the light.
“Why shouldn’t it be good for them too? They might stop dwelling on their own problems so much.”
“We don’t even know what their problems are.”
And at the moment neither child seems likely to tell us.
I sigh heavily in the darkness, the oppressive reality settling on my chest like a thousand-pound weight. Even though I’m exhausted, sleep feels impossible.
“Do you think Emma will be okay tonight, on her own?” I ask, my voice small and disembodied in the darkness.
“You said the assessment came back saying there wasn’t a risk.”