‘Pretty good, I guess.’
I told Kev I was meeting a prospective parent, but I left Grace’s single status out of it, and he didn’t ask. He certainly didn’t volunteer to go with me. I would have told him if he’d asked, if he’d shown any interest at all, but he has always refused and so I’ve refused to beg or plead. I knew he wouldn’t be thrilled about Grace being single. He’d probably make some comment about lesbians and turkey basters. In any case, he’ll find out soon enough.
I haven’t told Stacy or my parents that I’m pregnant yet, either. Loose clothing and winter coats let me get away with it so far, but I know I’ll have to tell them soon. And what about Emma and Amy and Lucy? None of them have noticed, but they will one day, especially Amy. And I’m still not sure how I’m going to make it all seem okay. But I will. Somehow, I will.
Kevin clicks off the TV and turns to me. I still, surprised. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says, his voice a rasp I strain to hear. ‘I should have been there today.’
Now my jaw really does drop. ‘It’s okay.’
He shakes his head. ‘I’m letting you down, Heather. I’m letting you all down.’ He stares at the wall, his jaw clenched. ‘I know that.’
I hate to see his despair; it feels worse than my own. ‘It’s not your fault, Kev.’
‘Doesn’t matter.’ He struggles to sit upright. ‘I’m going to look for a job.’
‘Okay,’ I say cautiously. In three years this is the first time he’s ever said that, and it fills me with wary hope. I know Kev isn’t qualified for much, and what he is qualified for, he can’t do. But surely there’s something out there. There’s got to be, because I need a glimmer of light in the midst of all this darkness.
A couple of days later I’m in the kitchen making dinner when Stacy stops by to ask if I can check in on Mom and Dad tomorrow. It feels like an okay moment for once – the TV is off, and Kevin is sitting on the sofa with Amy and Emma, listening to Emma read a pony book she got from the school library. Lucy is on the floor, playing with her Paw Patrol set from Christmas – five bucks at Walgreens – and half-listening to Emma read.
The smell of meat and onion frying makes my stomach turn but it’s a good smell. A homely, family smell. I look around and I feel a flicker of contentment. This is what we used to have, what we took for granted, and now it feels so precious, simple as it is. Dinner, a home. Warmth and family. I yearn to hold onto it all.
Then Stacy comes in, says hello to all the girls, calling to me about needing me to help out with Mom and Dad. She stops in the doorway of the kitchen.
‘Heather.’
‘What?’ I turn, instantly self-conscious, because I’m over halfway through now and while the girls have managed not to notice, it’s getting kind of obvious when I’m not wearing a coat.
Stacy steps toward me and lowers her voice. ‘Are you pregnant?’ she whispers, with a glance back at Kevin and the girls in the other room.
I turn to the stove and
prod the hamburger. ‘Yes. Obviously.’ Or not so obviously, to most people. Yet.
‘How far along are you? And why didn’t you say anything?’
‘I’m nineteen weeks. And I didn’t say anything because…’ I hesitate, glancing through the dining room to where Kev and the girls are all piled together on the sofa. Amy is starting to get bored and Lucy is throwing her Paw Patrol figures at the TV. ‘It’s not exactly great news, is it?’
Stacy swallows and looks at me seriously. ‘I know you guys have been having a hard time of it…’
I prod the hamburger some more. Stacy has no idea. She did everything in the right order – school, marriage, then babies. She works part-time at Stop & Shop and her husband Mike works in a garage. They have two kids, Jake and Kerryn, and they live a pretty middle-class kind of life, at least compared to us. Last year they even went to Disney World for a whole week.
‘We can’t afford it,’ I tell Stacy in a low voice. I stare at the hamburger, not wanting to see the pity on her face. She didn’t get knocked up by accident. She doesn’t have a husband who barely gets out of his La-z-Boy. Kev said he was going to look for a job, but he hasn’t yet. I try not to feel bitter, but it’s there, eating away at my insides, turning everything to acid. ‘We just can’t.’
Stacy is silent and I don’t look at her. I’m afraid she’s going to offer money she doesn’t have, money I can’t take because while she and Mike are doing better than us, they’re not doing that well. They can’t bail us out again and again, not the way we’d need.
‘I wish we could help,’ Stacy says at last. ‘If it really is just a question of money. But Mike…’ She pauses, biting her lip, and I turn to her.
‘Stace…?’
‘Mike’s been laid off. He’ll get another job, I know he will, but in the meantime…’ She shrugs.
‘I’m sorry.’ We’re not the only ones struggling. Of course we’re not. I always knew that, but it still surprises me to hear Stacy say it so starkly.
‘What are you going to do?’ she asks after a moment.
I take a quick breath. I didn’t want to tell her or anyone like this, with the kids and Kevin around, when things were happy for one beautiful second, but there’s no point pretending I haven’t decided when I know I have. ‘I’m not keeping it.’
‘Heather.’ My name is a gasp. ‘What…?’