She lets out a ragged laugh. ‘Oh, whatever. Fine. Yes. Although I have no idea what next month will be like.’ And then she disconnects the call before I can ask anything else.
I’m left both fuming and uncertain, replaying the conversation in my mind, looking for answers I know I won’t find. Someone knocks on the bathroom door, and sliding my phone in my pocket, I unlock the door and brush past Steve, my coworker with the sweet smile and sweat-stained shirt, and go back to my desk.
I don’t have time to think too much about it, though, because when I get home everything feels chaotic. Emma and Amy are screeching at each other; Amy borrowed Emma’s favorite jeans without asking, and then ripped holes in both knees, probably on purpose.
Emma is so rarely angry, but even so she’s no match for Amy, who is fiery and scathing, while she, poor girl, just goes white and speaks in a breathy voice that is full of tears. She doesn’t stand a chance.
Lucy adds her own brand of difficult to the mix, tearful and defiant, as she thrusts a note from school at me, right up into my face.
‘What’s this?’ I ask, the words blurring before me.
‘From my teacher.’
I start to read it, how she’s failed her last three spelling tests. How did I not know that? The teacher, Mrs. Bryant, is asking for a meeting next week, after school. I’ll have to take time off work.
‘You suck!’ Emma cries, her final thrust, which bounces off Amy, who just smirks. She’s still holding the jeans.
I walk into the kitchen, just to get away from them. From all of it. I feel so tired by everything, the constant needs and demands. I open the fridge and stare into the near-empty depths. I forgot to go food shopping; in fact, this whole afternoon is a blur. What did I do? I left work and sat in my car for a while. I drove around. And I came back early, right after the girls got back. I could still go to Stop & Shop and do a quick runaround, but I can’t face it now. I can’t face anything.
‘Mom, are you going to go to the meeting?’ Lucy asks anxiously. ‘Am I in trouble?’
‘Mom, make her give back the jeans,’ Emma cries. ‘They’re mine.’
‘Just try to get them,’ Amy calls defiantly, clutching her stolen treasure. ‘You never wear them, anyway. They’re too small for you.’
I ignore them all, and I can’t even feel guilty about it. I walk into my bedroom and close the door, for once shocking all three of my daughters into silence. Then I lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling, my mind blanking out. Eventually I fall asleep.
I wake up a few hours later, blinking in the dusky light. Kev has come into the bedroom and is taking off his UPS uniform.
‘What… what’s going on?’ I ask muzzily.
‘What do you mean?’ He tosses his shirt on the floor.
‘I fell asleep… are the girls okay?’ Guilt needles me. I’m a mom – I can’t just check out like that.
Kevin shrugs. I roll onto my side, tuck my knees into my chest. ‘What’s up with you?’ he asks after a moment.
‘I was tired.’
‘You sick?’
‘No.’
He pauses, his hands on his belt buckle. ‘Is this about Grace?’ He sounds like he regrets asking the question.
‘I had a weird phone call from her today.’
Kev shakes his head.
‘I’m serious, Kev, it was weird.’
‘So what?’ he asks, and I am silent. ‘So what?’ he asks again, his voice louder, and I close my eyes. ‘Heather, you’ve got to let this go.’
‘Let Isaac go, you mean.’
‘You already agreed to it, even if you hadn’t told her yet.’
‘I know that, but not like this. Not without… anything.’