“You’ll remember the days, or you won’t. But it’s because of what happened to you. Not because of you,” I speak carefully, keeping in mind that Jenny’s scared, and that I need to be strong for her.
Even though I feel like crumbling beside her.
Her eyes turn glossy as she sobs, “I’m so sorry I left. I’m sorry I ever left.”
“I’m here,” is all I can say. Over and over, I pet her hair to calm her and shush her all the while.
Jase is quiet, but there. If I need him, he’s there. Gratitude is something I’ve never felt to this degree before. My life will be dedicated to making him feel the same.
A shower calms my sister. Maybe it’s the comfort of the heat, or maybe it’s washing away what she does remember. With both of us in the bathroom, her drying off and getting dressed and me staring at the door so as not to watch, I ask her, “What did Marcus do to you?”
The fear creeps up and then consumes me. Imagination is an awful thing and I wish I could stop it.
“I don’t remember everything,” she confesses. “I know I feel…” she trails off to swallow thickly and I prepare for the worst. Picking under my nails and steeling my composure, I ready myself with what to say back, putting all the right words in order to make her feel like she’s all right now, as if there were ever such a combination.
“I feel healthier. More with it. I haven’t had a… a need to.”
“To what?”
“To take a hit.” Her answer comes out tight and I turn to see her staring at me as strength and sorrowful memories are worn on her expression. “I feel better.”
She breaks our gaze, maybe from the shame of what used to be, I don’t know. I return to looking ahead as she dresses in a pair of my pajama pants and a t-shirt.
Better.
My bottom lip wobbles and I can’t help it. I can’t help how tense I feel. Better.
Of all the things, that’s a word I would never have known would come from her.
“I don’t know at what cost. The idea of him scares me, even if I don’t remember. I know I changed my mind. I changed the deal.”
“Even if you don’t remember what someone said or what they did to you, you always remember how they made you feel.”
The towel drops to the floor as she blurts out, “Marcus scares me, Bethany. He scares the hell out of me.”
“Do you remember anything that he did?” I ask her again, this time beneath my breath. All she gives me is a shake of her head.
“I don’t know. I don’t think he’s going to let me walk away though.”
The conviction in my voice is enough to break the fixation of her fear. “Then he’ll have to fight me to get to you.”
With her glancing at the knob, I open the door and cool air greets us. It feels colder without her answering me. She heads out first and after looking at Jase, still in the chair, his phone in his hand she apologizes to him.
“What did you do?” I ask her as Jase tells her it’s all right.
“I shot him,” she tells me, and I can’t help the huff of a laugh that leaves me, although it’s short and doesn’t carry much humor.
“What’s so funny?” She stares at me as if I’m crazy.
“She shot me when she first saw me too,” Jase answers for me.
Jenny doesn’t answer; she doesn’t respond although she nods in recognition. The bed creaks in protest as she sits on the end of it.
“Can we have a minute?” I ask Jase. “I just need to talk to her,” I reason with him, but it’s unneeded.
With a single nod, he moves to leave and I’m quick to close the distance between us and hug him from behind. He’s so much taller and it’s awkward at first, but he turns to face me and I rest my cheek against his chest, breathing in his scent and hugging him tighter. “Thank you,” I whisper and feel the warmth of my air mix with his body heat.
There’s something about the way he holds me back, his strong hand running soothing circles on my skin while his other arm braces and supports me. I could stand here forever, just holding him. But Jenny needs me.
I kiss his chest and he kisses my hair before we say goodbye.
I don’t know what Jenny’s seen or what she thinks as she’s staring out of the window.
The bed dips as I sit down cross-legged behind her, watching Jenny intently and telling her that I’m here for her.
“I miss Mom,” is all she says for the longest time. Other than her constant apologies. Sorry for letting me think she was missing and then that she was dead. She didn’t think it would happen like this.