Was that what she wanted with her life? Could she even survive it?
‘Obviously,’ Aaron said dryly, ‘That doesn’t sound very appealing to you.’
Zoe forced a smile. ‘Did my face give it away?’
‘Pretty much. You looked horrified. Still do.’
She let out a weary sigh. ‘Love is kind of a big thing, Aaron, to give up forever.’
‘I know that. And I understand that a marriage between us will involve a sacrifice on your part.’
‘And yours too, I imagine.’ He might live a lonely life, but he still was a player, enjoyed affairs, flings. Although he hadn’t actually said he would give those up…or if this partnership would be in name only and not in the bedroom.
‘It’s not the same for me,’ he answered with a shrug. ‘I’m not giving up on a dream.’
Zoe swallowed past the tightness in her throat. ‘That is how it feels,’ she admitted. ‘And yet maybe that’s all it ever was, ever will be—a dream.’
‘Do you really believe that?’
‘I don’t know. I haven’t found the fairy tale yet and I’m thirty-one, so…’ She shrugged, spreading her hands. ‘Maybe this is as good as it gets. My best offer.’
Aaron gazed at her steadily. ‘Only you can decide that.’
‘Well, thank you for that,’ she said a bit tartly. ‘At least you’re not trying to emotionally blackmail me into doing the right thing for the baby.’
‘I want you to be sure. This would be a permanent arrangement, Zoe. I won’t sanction a divorce a couple of years down the road.’
‘Too bad New York is a no-fault state,’ she answered flippantly, and Aaron reached out and curled one hand around her wrist.
‘Don’t joke,’ he said in a low voice. ‘It’s true I couldn’t keep you from divorcing me if you really wanted to, but I could make it hellish for you.’
A chill entered her soul; this was an Aaron she hadn’t seen before, at least not since their first encounter over the stupid phone. This Aaron was cold, calculating, even cruel. This was the Aaron she’d wondered at when they’d first met, the Aaron that had given her a faint frisson of fear. Now she felt it in full.
She yanked her arm away from him. ‘Nice way to threaten me.’
‘Just stating facts.’
‘And is this supposed to help me decide in your favour?’ she snapped, still unsettled by the low, deadly note she’d heard in his voice, seen in his eyes.
‘It is what it is.’
‘What if you want to divorce?’ she threw at him and he barely blinked.
‘Won’t happen.’
‘You can’t say that.’
‘Yes,’ he answered. ‘I can.’
Zoe let out a breath. ‘Were your parents divorced?’
‘No, but they probably should have been.’
She let out a sudden, wild laugh. ‘A funny thing for you to say, considering how against it you obviously are.’
He shrugged. ‘If you can’t keep your vows, you shouldn’t get married.’
Who in his parents’ marriage hadn’t kept their vows? she wondered. His father? Was that the cause of his mother’s depression? She swallowed, forcing herself to ask the next question. ‘So you would keep your vows?’
His nostrils flared, his eyes narrowing. ‘Of course.’ She’d offended him even by asking the question, she realised.
‘You’ve been with a lot of women,’ she pointed out. ‘I can understand why you might be reluctant to give that up.’
‘But I would.’
He hadn’t denied that he was reluctant, she noticed. She glanced down at her tea once more. ‘So this marriage—it would be real? I mean, consummated?’
‘I don’t think we have a problem in that area.’ She looked up to see him smiling faintly, and she gave a rather silly smile back. Memories of that night tumbled through her mind again, not just the pleasure and excitement but the sudden intimacy of that moment when he’d driven inside her, looked in her eyes and she’d felt…
Complete.
‘No,’ she agreed. ‘I don’t suppose we do.’
They didn’t speak for a moment, and in that silence Zoe felt her cheeks heat as memories flashed yet again through her mind, an incredibly vivid montage. She imagined that Aaron knew exactly what she was thinking, and with a thrill she wondered if he were thinking it too.
He turned away, setting his coffee mug down with a decisive clink. ‘I need to get to work. Obviously, you’ll have to think about it some more.’
‘Yes.’ She still had a thousand questions, questions that bubbled up inside her in an unholy ferment and other questions she didn’t even know how to ask. So much uncertainty, unknowing…
‘I’ll see you tonight,’ Aaron said. She watched as he reached for his blazer and briefcase, and then he was gone.
She spent the morning pacing the apartment, her mind buzzing, and then when she couldn’t stand it anymore she went outside and walked through Riverside Park, ending up in a playground right on the Hudson. She sat on a bench in the drowsy early-autumn sunshine and listened to the creak of the swings and the squeak of the slide, watched toddlers with chubby fists chase butterflies and beg for ice cream from the stand by the gate. She tried to imagine herself in this same place in a year or two, with her round-faced child toddling along, and perhaps Aaron too, sitting next to her, smiling at the antics of their son or daughter.
She felt a smile bloom across her face as she pictured the scene, the three of them a family, a child drawing them together in ways she could only barely imagine. She wanted that. She wanted to belong to someone, to feel a part of something bigger than herself. She wanted to scoop a child up in her arms and tickle his tummy. She wanted to lift her head and share a knowing smile with that child’s father: Aaron.
She wanted it to be reality—and yet, without love, would it be enough?
She was so tempted to say yes to Aaron’s offer, even as another part of her acknowledged just how much she’d be giving up.
And yet perhaps she’d given up on it already…Four failed relationships, four men who had walked away from her without a backward glance, one of them who had utterly broken her. Did she really want to keep trying? Maybe if she made herself accept Aaron’s lack of love it wouldn’t bother her so much. She’d stop trying to find the fairy tale and settle for reality instead. A good reality. Dreams might not be the best foundation for a marriage, and at least she knew he would be faithful, committed…
Sighing, she rose from the bench. She knew this was not a decision she could make on her own. She needed to talk to Millie.
She called her from her mobile as she walked back to the apartment. Her sister answered on the first ring, her voice sharp with worry.
‘Zoe? Where have you been? I haven’t heard from you in over a week.’
‘Oh.’ Zoe sank onto a park bench and closed her eyes. ‘Sorry about that. I should have told you…’
‘Told me what? Where are you? What’s happened, Zoe?’ Millie’s voice rose with each question. ‘Are you in trouble?’
‘No.’ Zoe opened her eyes. ‘Why do you think I am?’
‘I—I don’t.’ Her sister sounded surprised, even guarded. ‘But disappearing without telling me is kind of worrisome.’
‘I’m living with someone.’ This was not, Zoe reflected, how she wanted to begin this conversation. She should have been up front with Millie from the beginning, she supposed; her news was now going to come as an almighty shock.
‘Living with someone? But you weren’t even dating someone at my wedding not so long ago!’
‘I know.’ And I’m not dating someone now. Even if she was contemplating getting married. ‘It’s…complicated.’
Millie let out a weary sigh. ‘It always is, with you, sweetie.’
Zoe knew she shouldn’t feel stung. She joked about her nightmarish love life all the time; when Millie had been in deepest grief, hearing about some of Zoe’s dating disasters had been the only thing to make her smile. Yet now, with everything so uncertain and raw, Zoe did feel that sharp needling of hurt at Millie’s assumptions—and she knew more was to come.
‘So tell me,’ Millie prompted. ‘Who is this guy?’
Which part to say first? The pregnancy or the father? ‘It’s Aaron.’
‘Aaron? Aaron who?’
Zoe almost laughed. ‘Aaron Bryant, your brother-in-law.’
‘What?’ The word came out of Millie like an explosion. ‘Him? Zoe, he’s such a—such a jerk!’
‘Nice way to talk about family, Mills.’
‘But you’ve met him! You’ve seen how he behaves. He’s barely had the time of day for Chase or Luke for their entire lives.’
‘He lives with a lot of pressure.’ Zoe spoke instinctively, knowing it was true. She’d seen it in the taut lines of Aaron’s face, the set of his shoulders and the shadows in his eyes. And, while she didn’t know what the source of the strain was between Aaron and his brothers, she couldn’t help but defend him.
‘He’s so not your type,’ Millie said helplessly, and Zoe almost smiled.