“I had no desire to mention anything that could drive you further from me. You know that, Aislinn. I wanted you as my true queen. You felt it too.” Keenan came and stood beside her. He loosened her hands from the chair. “Will you forgive me? And him?…And yourself?”
Tears were streaming down her cheeks again. “I don’t really want to talk about any of this.”
And Keenan didn’t point out that she’d brought it up, or that not-talking wasn’t a solution, or any of the things he could’ve said. Instead, he said, “All I want in this moment is to help you smile.”
“I know.” Aislinn lifted a napkin from the table and studied the embroidered sunbursts that wound into vines.
“It’ll get easier,” he continued. He was like that since Seth left, constantly reassuring her.
She nodded. “I know, but right now it’s still awful. I feel like I’ve lost everything. Just like it was for you every time one of the Summer Girls refused the test…and when each Winter Girl risked the cold. Either way, each time they came to that point, you lost.”
Keenan’s expression was guarded then. “Until you.”
They stood there in awkward silence for several moments until Keenan sighed. “This conversation is not making you any happier, Aislinn.”
“It’s not the…romantic stuff that I miss…I mean, I do.” She paused, trying to figure out how to explain this to a faery who—for all his years—didn’t seem to have any true friends. “Seth was my best friend before he was anything else. He was the only one I could talk to when you and Donia were…when you picked me.”
Keenan waited.
“Best friends don’t leave without a word,” Aislinn said. Now that the words were there, they started bubbling out, and she was saying the things she’d been hiding inside. “I don’t need a boyfriend. I don’t need a mate or partner or any of that. I need my friends. Leslie’s gone. I can’t talk to my other friends about anything in my life. Donia stabbed me…not that we were close, but I thought we were becoming friends. And now, my best friend has left me.”
“And you feel alone.” Keenan came closer but didn’t intrude in her space. “So let me be your friend. That’s what you offered me when you became my queen. The approach of summer has added something else to it, but that’s…I need you to be happy, Aislinn.”
She nodded, and then she said the words that she wished she didn’t have to, “It’s been weeks without a word. I don’t think he’ll be back, but I can’t let go.”
“Let me be your friend, Aislinn. That’s all I’m suggesting today. If the rest happens or doesn’t, we can deal with that part later. No pressure, just an open door.” He held out his arms for an embrace. “For now, just let me be here for you. We need to try to move forward instead of standing here weeping and waiting.”
She let him hold her. Her sigh caught between pleasure and remorse as he stroked her hair, letting sunlight slide down the strands until she was languid, at peace as she rarely was these days.
“It’ll be okay. One way or another, things will be okay in the end,” he promised.
She wasn?
??t sure if he was speaking opinion or truth, but for now, she let herself believe him.
Happiness is a choice.
CHAPTER 25
Another month passed without word. Summer was in full strength. Graduation had come and gone, but Aislinn only knew this because her diploma was waiting at her house one afternoon.
“I’m sorry I missed it,” Aislinn told Grams. “If you’d wanted…”
“It’s okay, sweetie.” Grams patted the sofa.
Aislinn went to her. It felt like each step was through too-thick air. “I’m trying. It feels like the sun is choking me some days. And Seth…I still don’t know.”
“It’ll get easier. Being this will get easier. I can’t say I understand, but”—Grams took Aislinn’s hand—“you are stronger than you know. Don’t forget that.”
Aislinn had her doubts. She felt like she was crawling out of her skin. The earth wasn’t merely stretching after its long slumber under Beira’s oppressive winter weight; it was trying to find outlets for decades of pent-up energy, and she was the conduit. Each dawn brought her closer to the other half of that heat—her king, her friend, her not-lover. She knew it wasn’t a logical thing, the way she tracked his movements. It wasn’t even a romantic thing. It was simple need. It embarrassed her. Lust was to be tied to love; with Seth, it had been. With him, she’d felt friendship, love, trust. With Keenan, she had friendship and a sort of trust, but there was no real love. There was something missing.
Grams sat silently beside her. The only sound was the steady tick of a cuckoo clock on the wall. It should be peaceful, but Aislinn still felt like running. Everywhere she went, she felt a pressure inside that she couldn’t escape.
Except with Keenan.
Then Grams broke the silence. “If Seth can’t handle what you are, that’s his loss.”
“I’m the one who’s lost,” Aislinn whispered. “Everything feels wrong without him here.”