“Kiera?” I ask, getting glasses and choosing a bottle of wine.
“Whatever Sofia is drinking,” she says, busy with the table setting. I stop what I’m doing to watch her for a moment. Because she looks so damn cute as she second-guesses herself with the position of knife versus spoon. Picking them both up, placing them back down, then switching them around one more time before blowing a stray piece of hair out of her eyes and mumbling, “Fuck it,” as she moves on to the next place setting.
And even though I’m smiling and pretty happy in this moment, I also feel a little sad that these people—these friends—haven’t been in my life all these years.
I’ve missed them. And I wish Camille and Bennett were here too. As weird as last night was, it was nice. And not just the kinky foursome sex part either. All of it. I’ve missed Camille’s filthy mouth and dark sense of humor. I want to know more about her books. Ask her questions about them like, So how do you reconcile these two sides of yourself in your writing?
I’ve missed Hayes’ weirdness and control. I’ve missed the soft quietness of Sofia and the way Kiera can rock a pair of leggings and suede boots and still make my heart beat fast when she looks at me. Even Bennett felt different in the presence of the group. And knowing that he’s been a part of this and I haven’t makes me wonder what else I’ve missed out on in his life.
Why didn’t anyone tell me they were still friends?
And it’s not the same for Kiera. She was up there in Vermont, distant like me. But Hayes brought her into his world regularly. He included her.
It’s hard for me to believe that I wasn’t deliberately excluded.
But why?
By the time I’m finished making all the drinks Sofia and Hayes are placing steaming bowls of food on the table and Kiera is standing in their way, oblivious with hands on hips, admiring her place-setting accomplishment.
Who cares? I tell myself. Who cares how we all got here tonight? The only thing that matters is that we’re here.
We all sit down and there’s a long pause where no one speaks and I have this rapid, heart-beating fear that we aren’t special. That maybe they have fun without me, but with me it’s nothing but awkward silence…
But Sofia lifts her glass, smiles at each of us individually, and says, “I’ve missed you,” as we meet her gaze and raise our glasses. “It’s been too long and I hope this is a new beginning. I hope that we will come together more often.”
“To the friends we left behind,” Hayes says, looking at me. “And the circumstances that brought us back together.”
I nod. “Cheers to us.”
“The Dirty Ones,” Kiera says.
We look at her. Another awkward moment of silence as we picture all the things, all the nights, all the years that come with those three words.
But she just shrugs. “Might as well own it. We’re not doing much to dispel the rumors.”
Hayes laughs first. “To the Dirty Ones. Long may we reign.”
And then we drink, and we eat, and we talk. And it’s better than it ever was in the past. Because we’re different people now. Grown up, doing our thing, being who we are…
And this time around it feels like a decision and not a reaction.
Later, after dinner is over and we’re paired up on the two couches—Kiera’s head in my lap as I play with her wild mane of hair, Hayes with his arm around Sofia as she talks in her soft, quiet voice about the new story she’s working on, mostly to Kiera, who asks her questions and adds commentary—Hayes and I look at each other. Read each other’s minds.
There is no foursome in our future and that’s OK. It’s a part of us and we’re not ashamed of it. But this new thing we are comes in twos.
Eventually Hayes gets up, pulling Sofia to her feet, and says, “See you both in the morning.”
Kiera and I stay on the couch for a few silent minutes and then she says, “Are you staying? Sofia gave me her best guest room. And I’m telling you right now, it’s got a view to die for.”
I smile, still twirling her long strands of hair in my fingertips. Loving the night so hard and daydreaming about all the nights we’ll spend like this in the future. Not wanting to move, but anticipating what comes next at the same time. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll never leave you again, Kiera. I’ll never lie to you, I’ll never cheat on you and if you fall, I’m still gonna be there. Because it’s my job to catch you.”
She sucks in a deep breath of air, holds it as she turns her head, eyes on mine, and lets it out. “That sounds a lot like a vow.”