A part of her wanted to kick herself for bringing this up now. Without a doubt, there wasn’t a faster way to douse the romance than to mention his father, the man who’d raped his son’s fourteen-year-old girlfriend. “You need to find some kind of peace with what happened with your dad. Don’t let it steal your joy at finally becoming a parent yourself.”
The need to see this settled within him grew more urgent than ever. Aiden was already stressed to the max with the adoption. But hearing she was pregnant as well? She didn’t even want to think about his reaction.
And there was no doubt about it. Aiden, her brilliant husband who traveled to the most dangerous parts of the world to help others, was terrified of becoming a father. He’d always told her it was because he had no role model of his own and he refused to shortchange a kid by being a crappy parent. She’d thought she was okay with that. She’d been sure their devotion to helping others would fill her life, and how could they continue with that life’s work if they had children to consider?
Except over time, she’d changed her mind. Not about their work. But about being a mother. Aiden had agreed because he loved her. She’d convinced herself the man she’d seen shed tears over the pain of a tragically deformed infant in Somalia could surely be a tender, caring father.
She’d held onto that hope, until she’d seen the unmistakable tension in him when he’d held Joshua for the first time. She felt that same tension radiating from him now. In that moment, she’d realized things weren’t going to get better. Wishing wasn’t going to make this magically all right. They were so isolated from one another now, despite being twined together in the dark, she had nothing to lose by telling him the truth.
Rolling to her back, she stared at the stars into the near pitch-darkness and said, “I’m pregnant.”
The inside of the car went so still she could hear her own heartbeat mix with the distant sounds outside, rescue vehicles and generators, the occasional shout. But nothing was as loud as the silence hammering between them.
Aiden still didn’t speak, so she went ahead and filled the void. “Birth control fails sometimes, even for mature adults who are medical professionals.”
“How far along are you?” he asked in a voice so controlled, she wondered if words could shatter like ice.
“Only a couple of months. With the excitement and preparations for Joshua, I missed the signs, then chalked it up to stress. Deluding myself, I guess. But I’m sure now.”
A soft pop, pop, pop echoed in the vehicle and she realized his knuckles were cracking as he opened and closed his fists.
“Lisabeth, you do realize the adoption counselor advised giving Joshua time to bond with us before adding other children?”
She rolled onto her side again, resting a hand on his heart that—oh God—was beating so damn fast in spite of his calm voice. “Believe me, Aiden, I know and I want Joshua to have the very best we can give him.”
“There are very real reasons why they advise against having a baby so close to the adoption.” His eyes slid toward her, even if his body wouldn’t. “So many abandoned kids or children from troubled backgrounds have bonding issues.”
She held his gaze and refused to let him look away. “Do you think it would be better for Joshua to spend another six months in an orphanage in a country devastated by an earthquake? That’s if I could even bring myself to give him up, which I can’t.” Her fingers dug into his chest as she gripped more than his shirt. “He’s already mine, damn it. He is my son every bit as much as this child I’m carrying. To me, there’s no difference.”
“I wish it were that simple for me.”
A chilling possibility iced through her brain. He couldn’t possibly be thinking…
“Are you actually suggesting I have an abortion?”
He stayed conspicuously silent.
Her whole world fractured. Her whole understanding of Aiden, of her marriage, twisted like an image in a funhouse mirror. Distorting unrecognizably and making her so dizzy, the ground trembled beneath her more fiercely than it had when the earthquake came.
“Oh, God”—she reached for the door, fumbling with the lock—“I think I’m going to be sick.”
Reaching past, he whipped open the handle with one hand and scraped back her hair with the other. She vomited onto the cracked parking lot, heaving until her stomach emptied out and her eyes filled with tears.
Finally, once her gut settled and the world steadied, she straightened, her wrist pressed to her mouth. Aiden silently passed her a water bottle. Her hands shaking, she dug through her duffel and pulled out a cheap plastic toothbrush. Their whole world right now was contained in a bag at their feet. Rinsing and spitting out the door, she wished her mess of a life could be as easily cleaned.
She twisted the cap back on the bottle. “I know that you didn’t want to have children because of your father, but I really thought you’d come to peace with that when we decided to adopt.”
Adoption had seemed like such a perfect answer, as they’d seen so many children who needed homes—as her own longing for a child grew so big she couldn’t contain it anymore without it exploding. And now it appeared to have exploded her marriage.
“Aiden, I’m going to have this baby, even if it means losing you.”>Erin pulled out a jar of applesauce and a pack of crackers. “All you’ve been through?”
“Right after his adoption”—she thought back to what she’d told Jocelyn when she’d claimed Joshua was hers—“Joshua and I got lost in the earthquake chaos.”
Erin tore open the crackers and passed one to Joshua. “You both obviously got out unscathed.”
“Thanks to Hugh,” Amelia said simply, watching as Courtney played with Joshua’s toes until he giggled. “You’re really good with him.”
Courtney looked up, smiling. “I have a son. He’s twenty now, living on his own.”