'Was that a yes, sir or a no, sir , Sir Samuel?'
'It was just a sir , sir.'
Lord Vetinari glanced at a piece of paper. 'Did you really punch the president of the Assassins' Guild?'
'Yes, sir.'
'Why?'
'Didn't have a dagger, sir.'
Vetinari turned away abruptly. 'The Council of Churches, Temples, Sacred Groves and Big Ominous Rocks is demanding... well, a number of things, several of them involving wild horses. Initially, however, they want me to sack you.'
'Yes, sir?'
'In all I've had seventeen demands for your badge. Some want parts of your body attached. Why did you have to upset everybody?'
'I suppose it's a knack, sir.'
'But what could you hope to achieve?'
'Well, sir, since you ask, we found out who murdered Father Tubelcek and Mr Hopkinson and who was poisoning you, sir.' Vimes paused. 'Two out of three's not bad, sir.'
Vetinari riffled through the papers again. 'Workshop owners, assassins, priests, butchers... you seem to have infuriated most of the leading figures in the city.' He sighed. 'Really, it seems I have no choice. As of this week, I'm giving you a pay rise.'
Vimes blinked. 'Sir?'
'Nothing unseemly. Ten dollars a month. And I expect they need a new dart-board in the Watch House? They usually do, I recall.'
'It's Detritus,' said Vimes, his mind unable to think of anything other than an honest reply. 'He tends to split them.'
'Ah, yes. And talking of splits, Vimes, I wonder if your forensic genius could help me with a little conundrum we found this morning.' The Patrician stood up and headed for the stairs.
'Yes, sir? What is it?' said Vimes, following him down.
'It's in the Rats Chamber, Vimes.'
'Really, sir?'
Vetinari pushed open the double doors. ' Voila,' he said.
'That's some kind of musical instrument, isn't it, sir?'
'No, Commander, the word means What is that in the table? ,' said the Patrician sharply.
Vimes looked into the room. There was no one there. The long mahogany table was bare.
Except for the axe. It had embedded itself in the wood very deeply, almost splitting the table along its entire length. Someone had walked up to the table and brought an axe down right in the centre as hard as they could and then left it there, its handle pointing towards the ceiling.
'That's an axe,' said Vimes.
'Astonishing,' said Lord Vetinari. 'And you've barely had time to study it. Why is it there?'
'I really couldn't say, sir.'
'According to the servants, Sir Samuel, you came into the palace at six o'clock this morning...'
'Oh, yes, sir. To check that the bastard was safely in a cell, sir. And to see that everything was all right, of course.'