"Perks?" It was Blouse.
"You'd better hurry," said Maladict. "His corset probably wants lacing..."
In fact Blouse was sitting on what remained of a chair.
"Ah, Perks. A shave, please," he said.
"Oh, I thought your hand was better, sir..."
"Er... yes." Blouse looked awkward. "The problem, Perks, is... I have never actually shaved myself at all, to be honest. I had a man to do it for me at school, and then of course in the army I shared a batman with Blitherskite and, er, those attempts I made on my own behalf have been somewhat bloody. I never really thought about it until I got to Plotz and, er... suddenly it was embarrassing..."
"Sorry about that, sir," said Polly. It was a strange old world.
"Later on perhaps you could give me a few tips," Blouse went on. "You keep yourself beautifully shaven, I can't help noticing. General Froc would be pleased. He's very anti-whiskers, they say."
"If you like, sir," said Polly. There was no getting out of it. She made a show of sharpening the razor. Perhaps she could manage it with only a few small cuts...
"Do you think I should have a reddened nose?" said Blouse.
"Probably, sir," said Polly. Sarge knows about me, I'm sure, she thought. I know he does. Why's he keeping quiet?
"Probably, Perks?"
"What? Oh. No... why a red nose, sir?" said Polly, applying the lather with vigour.
"It would look more pff amusing, perhaps."
"Not sure that's the purpose of the exercise, sir. Now, if you'd just, er, lie back, sir - "
"There's something you should know about young Perks, sir."
Polly actually yelped. Walking as silently as only a sergeant can, Jackrum had stolen into the room.
"pff Sergeant?" said Blouse.
"Perks doesn't know how to shave a man, sir," said Jackrum. "Give me the razor, Perks."
"Doesn't know how to shave?" said Blouse.
"Nosir. Perks lied to us, right, Perks?"
"All right, sarge, no need to drag it out," sighed Polly. "Lieutenant, I'm - "
" - under age," said Jackrum. "Right, Perks? Only fourteen, aren't you?" He looked at Polly over the top of the lieutenant's head, and winked.
"Er... I told a lie to get enlisted, sir, yes," said Polly.
"I don't think a lad like that ought to be dragged into the Keep, however game he is," said Jackrum. "And I don't think he's the only one. Right, Perks?"
Oh, so that's the game. Blackmail, Polly thought.
"Yes, sarge," she said wearily.
"Can't have a massacre of little lads, sir, now can we?" said Jackrum.
"I see your pff point, sergeant," said the lieutenant, as Jackrum gently drove the blade down his cheek. "That is a tricky one."
"Best to call it a day, then?" said Jackrum.