Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

Jackrum sawed at the tobacco.

"So?" he said, still paying attention to the job in hand.

"What?" said Polly.

"Think no one else ever tried it? Think you're the only ones? Think your ol' sarge is deaf, blind and stupid? You could fool one another and anyone can fool a rupert, but you can't fool Jackrum. Weren't sure about Maladict and still ain't, because with a vampire, who knows? And not sure about you, Carborundum, because with a troll, who cares? No offence."

"None taken," rumbled Jade. She caught Polly's eye and shrugged.

"Not so good at reading the signs, not knowing many trolls," said the sergeant. "I had you down pat in the first minute, Ozz. Something in the eyes, I reckon. Like... you were watching to see how good you were."

Oh hell, Polly thought. "Er... do I have a pair of socks belonging to you?"

"Yep. Well washed, I might add."

"You'll have them back right now!" said Polly, grabbing for her belt.

"In your own time, Perks, in your own time, no rush," said Jackrum, raising a hand. "Well washed, please."

"Why, sarge?" said Tonker. "Why didn't you give us away? You could've given us away any time!"

Jackrum slewed his wad from cheek to cheek and sat chewing for a while, staring at nothing.

"No, you ain't the first," he said. "I've seen a few. Mostly by themselves, always frightened... and mostly they didn't last long. But one or two of them were bonny soldiers, very bonny soldiers indeed. So I looked at you lot and I thought to myself, well now, I thought, I wonder how they'll do when they find out they're not alone? You know about lions?" They nodded. "Well, the lion is a big ol' coward, mostly. If you want trouble, you want to tangle with the lioness. They're killers, and they hunt together. It's the same everywhere. If you want big grief, look to the ladies. Even with insects, right? There's a kind of beetle where she bites his head off right while he's exercisin' his conjugals, and that's what I call serious grief. On the other hand, from what I heard, he carries on regardless, so maybe it's not the same for beetles."

He looked around at their blank expressions.

"No?" he said. "Well, maybe I thought, a whole bunch of girls all at once, that's... strange. Maybe there's a reason." Polly saw him glance briefly at Wazzer. "Anyway, I wasn't goin' to shame you all in front of a little toad like Strappi, and then there was all that business in Plotz, and then, well, we was gallopin', as it were, caught up in things with no time to get off. You did well, lads. Very well. Shaped up like good 'uns."

"I'm going into the Keep," said Polly.

"Oh, don't worry about the rupert," said Jackrum. "Probably he's enjoying a nice bowl of scubbo right now. He went to a school for young gentlemen, so prison will be just like old times."

"We're still going, sarge. Sorry," said Polly.

"Oh, don't say sorry, Perks, you were doing well up 'til then," said Jackrum bitterly.

Shufti stood up. "I'm going too," she said. "I think my... fianc¨¦ is in there."

"I have to go," said Wazzer. "The Duchess guides my steps."

"I'll go, then," said Igorina. "I'm probably going to be needed."

"I shouldn't fink I could get by as a washerwoman," rumbled Jade. "I'll stay here and watch over Mal. Hah, if he's still after blood when he wakes up he's gonna have blunt teeth!"

They looked at one another in silence, embarrassed but defiant. Then there was the sound of someone clapping, slowly.

"Oh, very nice," said Jackrum. "A band of brothers, eh? Sorry... sisters. Oh dear, oh dear. Look, Blouse was a fool. It was prob'ly all them books. He read all that stuff about it being a noble thing to die for your country, I expect. I was never that keen on readin', but I know the job is making some other poor devil die for his."

He slewed his black tobacco from side to side. "I wanted you to be safe, lads. Down in the press of men, I reckoned I could get you through this, no matter how many friends the Prince has sent after you. I look at you lads, and I think: you poor boys, you don't know nothin' about war. What you goin' to do? Tonker, you are a crack shot, but after one shot who's backing you up while you reload? Perks, you know a trick or two, but the blokes in the castle will maybe know a trick or five. You're a good cook, Shufti; too bad it's going to be too hot in there. Will the Duchess turn aside arrows, Wazzer?"

"Yes. She will."

"I hope you are right, my lad," said Jackrum, giving the girl a long slow look. "Pers'nally, I've found religion in battle is as much use as a chocolate helmet. You'll need more than a prayer if Prince Heinrich catches you, I might add."

"We're going to try it, sarge," said Polly. "There's nothing for us in the army." ;Amazing, sir," said Maladict. "For a moment I could have sworn there was a woman in the room."

"And I could certainly find out if there are any other badly guarded entrances," Blouse went on. "Who knows, I might even be able to procure a key off one of the guards by means of feminine wiles! In any case, if things are all clear I shall send a signal. A towel hanging from a window, perhaps. Something clearly unusual, anyway."