Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

" - you're wearing them," said Polly.

"Well, it was the only way," said Shufti. "And I tried them on and they didn't seem all that abominable to me."

"Have you noticed men talk to you differently?" said Lofty shyly.

"Talk?" said Polly. "They listen to you differently, too."

"They don't keep looking at you all the time," said Shufti. "You know what I mean. You're just a... another person. If a girl walked down the street wearing a sword a man would try to take it off her."

"Wi' trolls, we ain't allowed to carry clubs," said Jade. "Only large rocks. An' it ain't right for a girl to wear lichen, 'cos der boys say bald is modest. Had to rub bird doin's inna my head to grow this lot."

That was quite a long speech for a troll.

"We didn't know that," said Polly. "Er... trolls all look the same to us, more or less."

"I'm nat'rally craggy," said Jade. "I don't see why I should polish."

"There is a difference," said Shufti. "I think it's the socks. It's like they pull you forward all the time. It's like the whole world spins around your socks." She sighed and looked at the horsemeat, which had been boiled almost white. "It's done," she said. "You'd better go and give it to the rupert, Polly... I mean, Ozzer. I told the sarge I could do something better but he said the lieutenant said how good it was last night - "

A small wild turkey, a brace of pheasants and a couple of rabbits, all tied together, landed in front of Shufti.

"Good job we were guarding you, eh?" said Tonker, grinning and whirring an empty sling around in one hand. "One rock, one lunch. Maladict's staying on guard. He said he'll smell anyone before they see him and he's too edgy to eat. What can you do with that lot?"

"Casserole of game," said Shufti firmly. "We've got the veg and I've still got half an onion.3 I'm sure I can make an oven out of one of those - "

"On your feet! Attention!" snapped the silently moving Jackrum, behind them. He stood back with a faint smile on his face as they scrambled to their feet. "Private Halter, I must have bleedin' amazin' eyesight," he said, when they were approximately upright.

"Yes, sarge," said Tonker, staring straight ahead.

"Can you guess why, Private Halter?"

"No, sarge."

"It's because I knows you are on perimeter guard, Halter, but I can see you as clear as if you was standing right here in front of me, Halter! Can't I, Halter?"

"Yes, sarge!"

"It's just as well you are still on perimeter duty, Halter, because the penalty for absenting yourself from your post in time of war is death, Halter!"

"I only - "

"No onlys! I don't want to hear no onlys! I don't want you to think that I am a shouty man, Halter! Corporal Strappi was a shouty man, but he was a damn political! Upon my oath I am not a shouty man but if you ain't back at your post inside of thirty seconds I'll rip yer tongue out!"

Tonker fled. Sergeant Jackrum cleared his throat and continued, in a level voice: "This, my lads, is what we call a real orientation lectchoor, not one of the fancy political ones like Strappi gave yer." He cleared his throat. "The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?"

Since there were none from the bemused recruits, he continued, while beginning a slow stroll around the squad, "We know enemy forces are in the area. Currently they have no boots. But there will be others with boots aplenty. Also, there may be deserters in the area. They will not be nice people! They will be impolite! Therefore Lieutenant Blouse has decreed that we will travel off the roads and by night. Yes, we have met the enemy, and we have prevailed. That was a fluke. They weren't expecting you to be rough, tough soldiers. Nor were you, so I don't want you to feel cocky about it." He leaned forward until his face was inches from Polly's. "Are you feeling cocky, Private Perks?"

"No, sarge!"

"Good. Good." Jackrum stepped back. "We are heading for the front, lads. The war. And in a nasty war, where's the best place to be? Apart from on the moon, o' course? No one?"

Slowly, Jade raised a hand.

"Go on, then," said the sergeant.

"In the army, sarge," said the troll. "'cos..." She began to count on her fingers. "One, you got weapons an' armour an' dat. Two, you are surrounded by other armed men. Er... Many, youse gettin' paid and gettin' better grub than the people in Civilian Street. Er... Lots, if'n you gives up, you getting taken pris'ner and dere's rules about that like Not Kicking Pris'ners Inna Head and stuff, 'cos if you kick their pris'ners inna head they'll kick your pris'ners inna head so dat's, like, you're kickin' your own head, but dere's no rule say you can't kick enemy civilians inna head. There's other stuff too, but I ran outa numbers." She gave them a diamond grin. "We may be slow but we ain't stoopid," she added.

"I am impressed, private," said Jackrum. "And you are right. The only wasp in the jam is that you ain't soldiers! But I can help you there. Bein' a soldier is not hard. If it was, soldiers would not be able to do it. There is only three things you need to remember, which are, viz: one obey orders two give it to the enemy good and hard three don't die. Got that? Right! You're nearly there! Well done! I propose to assist you in the execution of all three! You are my little lads and I will look after you! In the meantime, you got duties! Shufti, get cooking! Private Perks, see to the rupert! And after that, practise your shaving! I will now visit those on guard and deliver unto them the holy word! Dismissed!"