Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

They remained at something like attention until he was probably out of earshot, and then sagged.

"Why does he always shout?" said Shufti. "I mean, he only has to ask..."

Polly upended the horrible scubbo into a tin bowl, and almost ran to the lieutenant's shelter. He looked up from a map and smiled at her as if she was delivering a feast.

"Ah, scubbo," he said.

"We are actually having other stuff, sir," Polly volunteered. "I'm sure there's enough to go round - "

"Good heavens, no, it's been years since I've had food like this," said Blouse, picking up the spoon. "Of course, at school we didn't appreciate it so much."

"You had food like this at school, sir?" said Polly.

"Yes. Most days," said Blouse happily.

Polly couldn't quite fit this in her head. Blouse was a nob. Nobs ate nobby food, didn't they? "Had you done something bad, sir?"

"I can't imagine what you mean, Perks," said Blouse, slurping at the horrible thin gruel. "Are the men rested?"

"Yes, sir. The dead people were a bit of a shock - "

"Yes. Bad business," sighed the lieutenant. "Such is war, alas. I am only sorry you had to learn so fast. Such a terrible waste all the time. I am sure things can be sorted out when we reach Kneck, though. No general can expect young men like yourselves to be instant soldiers. I shall have something to say about that." His rabbity features looked unusually determined, as if a hamster had spotted a gap in its treadmill.

"Do you require me for anything else, sir?" said Polly.

"Er... do the men talk about me, Perks?"

"Not really, sir, no."

The lieutenant looked disappointed. "Oh. Oh, well. Thank you. Perks."

Polly wondered if Jackrum ever slept. She did a spell of guard duty, and he stepped out from behind her with "Guess who, Perks! You're on lookout. You should see the dreadful enemy before they see you. What're the four Ss?"

"Shape, shadow, silhouette and shine, sarge!" said Polly, snapping to attention. She'd been expecting this.

That caused a moment's pause from the sergeant before he said: "Just knew that, did yer?"

"Nosir! A little bird told me when we changed guard, sir! Said you'd asked him, sir!"

"Oh, so Jackrum's little lads are gangin' up on their kindly ol' sergeant, are they?" said Jackrum.

"Nosir. Sharing information important to the squad in a vital survival situation, sarge!"

"You've got a quick mouth on you, Perks, I'll grant you that." andle had been tilted so that it leaned against a cotton thread fastened between the legs of a stool. This meant that when the candle burned low enough, it would burn through the thread and fall all the way to the floor and into a ragged trail of straw that led to a pile of palliasses on which had been stood two ancient cans of lamp oil.

It took about an hour in the wet, dejected night, for this to happen, and then all the windows blew out.

Tomorrow dawned on Borogravia like a great big fish. A pigeon rose over the forests, banked slightly, and headed straight for the valley of the Kneck. Even from here, the black stone bulk of the Keep was visible, rising above the sea of trees. The pigeon sped on, one spark of purpose in the fresh new morning -

¨Cand squawked as darkness dropped from the sky, gripping it in talons of steel. Buzzard and pigeon tumbled for a moment, and then the buzzard gained a little height and flapped onwards.

The pigeon thought: 000000000! But had it been more capable of coherent thought, and known something about how birds of prey catch pigeons2, it might have wondered why it was being gripped so... kindly. It was being held, not squeezed. As it was, all it could think was: 000000000!

The buzzard reached the valley and began to circle low over the Keep. As it gyred, a tiny figure detached itself from the leather harness on its back and, with great care, inched itself around the body and down to the talons. It reached the imprisoned pigeon, knelt on it and put its arms round the bird's neck. The buzzard skimmed low over a stone balcony, reared in the air, and let the pigeon go. Bird and tiny man rolled and bounced across the flagstones in a trail of feathers, and lay still.

Eventually a voice from somewhere under the pigeon said: "Bugger..."

Urgent footsteps ran across the stones and the pigeon was lifted off Corporal Buggy Swires. He was a gnome, and barely six inches tall. On the other hand, as the head and only member of Ankh-Morpork City Watch's Airborne Section, he spent most of his time so high that everyone looked small.