I nodded at him. “Yeah, I do.”
He raised his glass. “Good for you. You know what I have? Fuck all. I used to have a wife and we had a baby…and then the baby, she died. And my wife couldn’t deal with it. Or rather, I wasn’t ‘there for her’ and she went back to her mom in Toronto. I mean, fuck’s sake lady, what do you want me to do? Hold you while you cry or pay for all the shit you insist on having to live?”
I gave him a pitying half smile. “I’m sorry, Tommy. I didn’t know about the baby.”
“Not a lot you can do,” he said. “Babies die. Weird, isn’t it? Like they are there and they are so small and you’ll do anything to take care of them but they are so tiny and what do you even do to keep them alive? Then one day you wake up, like you have every day before that for your entire fucking forty years on this earth…but your baby doesn’t. Like, what the fuck, God?”
I had considered cutting him off and calling him a cab, but after hearing that I didn’t have the heart. I had no idea how recent the loss might have been.
“This one is on me, Tommy.” I said, sliding another scotch his way. “Just take it easy, okay? I don’t want to have to worry about you getting home safely or not looking after yourself.”
He looked like he was about to tear up and I fumbled to find some napkins in case he needed them.
“Samara, sweetheart. Just promise me this: Do whatever it takes to keep your family together. I don’t care how hard it is, nothing is worse than being alone in this world. Things get ripped away from you and you might have no control over the situation, but when you do—for god’s sake do whatever you have to for your family.”
I nodded quickly and moved down the bar to help another club member. It wasn’t often that I had these kinds of conversations at my bar. After all, we were a sex club. There was no mistaking that when you walked out on the floor. But the barstools tended to be filled by people who were sitting on the outside edge of all of this sex and excitement. It was as if they wanted to be a part of it, but somehow something in them kept them from being fully present and taking advantage of the situation. Which was a real shame considering the premium they were paying to walk through the door and sit and be served drinks by me.
I was getting a little introspective where I stood drying some glasses behind the bar. Maybe all that stuff about standing on the outside and not participating was something I should think about in my own life. I was spending so much time on work and school that there was a lot I was missing out on. There was a chance I needed to heed my own words and start applying them to my life if I was going to be handing out this kind of advice from behind my bar.
“How’s Tommy?” Suzy asked as she came to stand beside me. “That looked like it was about to go right down the toilet.”
“Yeah, I think it’s okay now. I’m a little worried about him, but he seems to at least have a good handle on what’s important in life. I just had no idea he had been through that kind of trauma.”
Suzy looked out across the room at our Friday night crowd. It was pretty tame for the moment but would undoubtedly get rowdier as the evening went on.
“You just never know what people are carrying with them.”
I nodded and suddenly felt my phone vibrate. I didn’t often receive calls while I was at work, so I reached for the phone and saw that it was my mom.
“That’s weird,” I said under my breath. “Suzy, I’m going to take this. Be back in a second.”
I rounded the corner and answered the call.
“Hey Mom, what’s up?”
“Honey, you need to get to the hospital. Your brother collapsed during his football game and they’ve rushed him to the emergency room. We’re here now and I’m…I’m not sure what they’re going to do…”
“What?! Mom, I’ll be right there. Is Dad with you?”
“He’s in the room with Josh right now. Your brother is conscious again, but they are going to take him back for some tests. Things are really up in the air right now and we don’t want to leave him alone. If you can get out of work I think it would be best if you could get here…soon, honey.”
I ended the call and headed back around to the bar. My emotions must have been showing all over my face because Suzy realized immediately that something was very wrong.
“What’s happened? Do you need to leave?” She asked, her voice full of concern.
“Yeah,” my voice came out thick and cracking. I nodded my head. “Yes, I’ve got to go. It’s my brother. Don’t know what’s going on but he collapsed during his football game and now they’ve got him at the emergency room. My mom…my mom seems to think I need to be there so…”
“Go, get out of here now. Get your purse and go.”
In a daze I stumbled down the hallway to the dressing room and grabbed my things from my locker before rushing out of the club and out to my car.
It all happened so quickly from there. I had no memory of the route I took to the hospital. It was all muscle memory from when I had driven every day to see my grandfather. All the way there the only thing I could think about was how much I loved my brother and how I would do anything in the world to make sure he was okay. He was such a strong, fun guy. Always in the middle of something, always making people laugh. People couldn’t help but smile whenever Josh was around and everyone loved him.
The thought of him lying there in a hospital bed, prone and with tubes and wires connected to him terrified me. He was my little brother, although we weren’t that far apart in age. Sure we had fought like cats and dogs growing up, but the truth was that he was my closest family member. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do to try to make life easier for him.
Tommy’s words came back to me and I shuddered. It was too eerie to have just had that conversation and then be faced with potential tragedy.
“Please, let him be okay,” I said aloud to the air as I sped along the road to the hospital.