The scene had haunted Jarrod for nearly sixteen years, waking him so often from his slumber that Jarrod did his utmost not to sleep. That nightmare of a memory had a way of taking him unawares, sneaking up on him when he least expected it, reminding him that he'd witnessed murder and madness and that the madness that had seized his mother flowed in his veins. She had proclaimed him all Blackheath, but she was wrong. He was Shepherdston and Blackheath and that had proved to be an extremely volatile and deadly mix. Jarrod lived in fear that the seeds of madness he carried within him could be propagated. He couldn't marry because marrying meant perpetuating his line and perpetuating his line carried the specter of madness. Jarrod broke out in a cold sweat at the thought of cursing an innocent child with those bloodlines.
"You are the only innocent person in the whole mess," Lord Rob said sadly. "You and poor Serena's unborn child."
"Poor Serena?" Jarrod asked. "You loved her in spite of everything?"
"I loved her once," Lord Rob answered. "But by the time she died, all I felt was anger and pity."
Jarrod understood. He had been angry and hurt and disgusted and grief-stricken at the time his parents died and bewildered by their complete self-destruction. And to his everlasting shame, Jarrod had loved them anyway. "I didn't… "
"Yes, you did," Lord Rob contradicted. "I was there, too, remember? I saw the look on your face and the pain in your eyes when you saw them like that."
But Lord Rob didn't know the whole of it. Jarrod had never revealed his mother's last words or the fact that he had seen the look in her eyes the instant before she'd decided not to kill her son and had turned the weapon on herself. It was a burden he bore alone. Something he couldn't share. For how could he describe the feeling of relief and guilt and pain and fear he'd felt when his mother had decided to spare him? "If I felt anything at all, it was relief that they couldn't hurt each other or anyone else ever again."
"Especially you." Lord Rob reached out and put his hand on Jarrod's shoulder.
"They didn't want or need my love," Jarrod said fiercely.
"No," Lord Rob agreed. "They simply took it for granted." He looked Jarrod in the eye. "As you have done with Sarah Eckersley's."
Jarrod opened his mouth to protest and realized there wasn't anything he could say to refute Lord Rob's words.
"I hear you have an appointment at Lambeth Palace tomorrow morning," Lord Rob said.
"I do," Jarrod said. "I'm to speak with His Grace about the benefice at Helford Green."
"Forget about the benefice at Helford Green," Lord Rob advised. "And purchase a special license to marry."
Jarrod closed his eyes and gritted his teeth.
"You gave Lady Dunbridge your word," Lord Rob reminded his nephew. "You promised that you would do the right thing by her niece if any untoward gossip results from tonight's visit to the folly."
Jarrod arched his eyebrow. "Are you about to start untoward gossip, Lord Rob?"
"I hadn't planned upon it," Lord Rob said. "But I will if that's what it takes to make you do the right thing," he promised. Recognizing the obstinate look on Jarrod's face, Lord Rob softened his tone. One thing his parents had given the boy was a double dose of stubbornness. "Unfortunately, I don't think it's going to be necessary for me to start the untoward gossip."
Jarrod raked his fingers through his hair. "Have you heard anything?"
"Other than the fact that you allowed Lord Dunbridge to record a wager between the two of you over Miss Eckersley's season-ending nuptials?"
Jarrod groaned. He'd forgotten about the wager.
"How long do you think that's going to remain a secret among gentlemen?" Lord Rob asked. "And how do you think Sarah is going to feel when she hears about it? Because someone is bound to tell her."
He hadn't thought about that when he'd allowed that dandified fool Dunbridge to record their wager. "Bloody hell!"
"Ask the girl to marry you, Jarrod. Give yourself a chance to love and be loved in return. Stop living in fear of being hurt again. Life is messy, my boy, but it's a hell of a lot better than the alternative. Do yourself a favor and try living it. Take a gigantic leap of faith and allow yourself to reach your full potential by putting all this sordidness behind you and becoming happy and whole and free."
"Free?" Jarrod scoffed.
"Yes, free," Lord Rob said. "Because loving the right person and being loved by the right person doesn't hold you back. It sets you free."
"Shepherdstons have traditionally never been very good at monogamy and marriage, Lord Rob," Jarrod persisted.
"Then break tradition, my boy, and excel at it." He clamped Jarrod on the shoulder. "And do it now while you're young enough to truly appreciate it."
* * *
Chapter Twenty-Five