Hunter finally docks the boat back at the marina, and it takes every ounce of self-control I have not to grab Sage and yank her off the thing like some kind of Neanderthal. Instead I wait patiently as she says her goodbyes before finally being able to follow her off the boat.
“Want to get some food?” I ask as we approach her car in the parking lot. “You didn’t eat anything on the boat.”
“I’m not hungry. In fact, I think I’m going to head home. I’m beat and I have a lot to do tomorrow.”
“Home?” Everything inside of me freezes. “I thought we were going to talk.”
She sighs, shoves a hand through her windswept hair and looks for all the world like standing here with me is the absolute last place she wants to be. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t get my back up.
The silence stretches between us, taut as a circus wire.
“I’m not sure there’s anything to talk about,” she finally says when it reaches the breaking point.
“Are you serious?” Panic is a living, breathing monster inside of me, dragging me under. Making me want to do something, anything, as long as it means I don’t have to feel this. “You get mad because you think I did something stupid and that’s it? We’re over?”
“I’m not mad, Shawn. I’m done. There’s a difference.”
“You’re done, just like that? Because I went free diving?”
“Not just because you went free diving, but because you didn’t even think about doing it. It was just second nature to you. ‘Just, oh, that’d be fun, let me do it and to hell with the consequences.’
“I wasn’t the only one out there who was worried, you know. All of us were. Tanner and Hunter may accept your bullshit behavior because they’re your friends and they’re used to it from you. But I can’t do that. I’m not used to it, and I don’t want to get used to it. I sure as hell don’t want to spend the next months or years—however long we’re together—waiting for the phone call that tells me that this time, you didn’t make it.”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“You don’t know that, and I’m not going to wait around for the time your luck runs out. It’s one thing to take risks on the football field, because that’s your job. I understand that. But it’s another thing altogether to skydive and free dive and free climb and do all the other insane things that you do.
“I know you’ve got demons—that’s very obvious to me. But I have demons, too, and mine are telling me to get the hell out of here as fast as I can. Because I’m worth more than that mountain you have to climb, and I’m sure as hell worth more than that phone call that will eventually come.”
“In other words, I’m not worth the risk.”
She smiles sadly, reaches a hand up to cup my cheek. “I think you’re worth everything. But not the small amount of peace I’ve managed to make for myself in this world. I can’t give that up, for you or for anybody.”
She pulls my face down, presses one long, soft kiss to my lips before stepping back. “Goodbye, Shawn Wilson. You’ve been a hell of a ride.”
And then she’s gone.
I watch as she walks to her car. As she climbs inside. As she never once looks back.
And realize—not for the first time in my life but maybe the most momentous—what it means to be truly alone.
Chapter 22
Sage
A knock on my front door pulls me reluctantly from my ice cream and wine induced coma. I contemplate answering it, but the truth is I don’t actually care who’s on the other side. Not to mention the fact that I’m pretty sure I’m too drunk to actually make it to the door without falling flat on my ass—or my face.
The admission should slow me down, but fuck it. I reach for the bottle of wine on my coffee table and pour the dregs into my nearly empty glass. Then I down it in one swallow, cursing myself for not having the foresight to bring another bottle over to the couch with me.
The kitchen is even farther away than the front door.
I’m the first to admit that eating two gallons of ice cream and drinking four bottles of wine in the space of two days is not the healthiest way to deal with a breakup. And neither is languishing on the couch instead of putting my big girl panties on and going into work.
But this wasn’t any ordinary breakup. Just because it was quiet didn’t mean it didn’t matter. Because it did. It really, really did.
Part of me still can’t believe I did it. Not when I’d gone and fallen for Shawn as completely as I had. Not when I’d let myself be charmed, and then more than charmed, by him.
But how could I not be? Shawn is one hell of a guy. Smart, funny and so, so kind. Too bad his issues bring out the worst of mine. If they didn’t, we might actually have had a better than decent chance.