“You were amazing.”
She bats her lashes, and I realize they look longer—and her face looks more made up. “That’s what I’m told.”
“Well it’s true.” I gesture to her robe. “Are you working right now?”
“I am. I just came out between clients. I don’t have one for another forty-five minutes, and it’s you.”
I nearly choke on my diet soda, and she laughs. “I’m going to be your model. It’s the web cam preview, remember? I’ll model the moves they’ll want you to make, and then you’ll make them. It won’t be so bad.”
“You can do it,” Loveless assures me.
“Thank you. I’m nervous.” Very. I’ve been here for days, but I still don’t feel ready to pose for a camera. How could I?
We shoot the shit a while longer, and then Juniper and I go film my web cam preview. It’s easier than I think it will be; all the film people are nice. I’m wearing panties and a bra, but my face is shadowed, so on the screen.
Afterward, Juniper and I practice some moves, which is funny and not at all sexual. I do dinner in the dining room, where I’m regaled with stories of everyone’s day. Loveless is working all night, and so is Juniper. I have the night off, so I head back to my room, where I get a call from Suri and I get a chance to say a few things to Cross.
He murmurs something I think might be an answer to one of my questions, and that’s enough for me.
When Suri gets the phone back in her hand, she says she’s leaving rehab, so she’ll call me back from her car. When she does, I get the Adam story.
“For a really long time, it hasn’t seemed logical to break things off because we have a lot of history and we care about each other,” she says, sounding teary again, “but it’s not enough. I could talk for hours and give details, but it boils down to this: Neither one of us wants to make the sacrifices you should be making if you’re going to get married.” Her voice cracks a little on that word but she presses onward. “So many things have changed these last few years. I’ve changed and so has he. We’re just not…compatible anymore, I guess. Does that make sense?”
“Of course it does.”
“Really?”
“Maybe that’s why you’ve been fighting so much. Feeling like you belong with someone is what makes the mundane stuff doable, right? Isn’t that supposed to be what gets you through hard times? The fact that you believe you’re with the right person, and you really love them and feel passion for them?”
“I think so,” she sighs. “But I’m starting to think I don’t know anything.”
“You do, Suri. And you’ll find someone else. Someone you do feel passionate and right about.”
“Maybe. I don’t even care right now.”
“That’s okay. Maybe you’ll end up liking this time. Being single.”
“You’re right, though. I’ll find someone one day. So will you,” she tells me.
I spend the rest of the night thinking about that. About whether I really want to find someone. So I can have a marriage like my mom and dad’s? In my mind, marriage sucks, but what if both partners are normal? Okay, not normal, but less ill than my mom and less avoidant than my dad.
I curl up in my bed and start some Outlander on TV. When Juniper calls my landline about thirty minutes in, asking me if I want to go to a poker tournament tonight, I decline. Unless there’s ever a real reason for me to think that there’s hope for Hunter and me—hope that can be taken out into the light, rather than hidden away in a shadowy bedroom or a dark club sauna—I’ve got to keep my mind off him.
Chapter 19
Elizabeth
FOUR DAYS PASS without anything that registers on my Hunter-o-meter, and I fall into a soothing—if not comfortable—routine. Mornings I wake up and work my booty off with Brenda or one of her trainers. I take a quick shower in the gym and put on something comfy, then go up for lunch with all the girls, plus Rod, David, Slash, and a few other guys I don’t know. After lunch, someone is usually assigned to teach me something. Yesterday it was Bella, showing me how to move in lingerie. How even the smallest crack between your legs can flash someone your va-jay-jay, and if you walk like a runway model, your teddy will look better on you. Today I’m booked with Sonny for my morning work-out. I’m warmed to hear he thinks I look like “one of us.”
I take a long time in the shower, because Loveless has a lunch session today and Juniper won’t be in the café due to a scheduled phone call with her English boyfriend. I like the other girls, but there are still moments with them when I feel like an outsider.