On the other hand, I am a giant oaf who has no clue how to dress. Most of the year, I spend in sweatpants, t-shirts, and hockey gear. And I can’t even remember the last time I went on an actual date that wasn’t for the sole purpose of sex. Don’t get me wrong, the night will end in sex, but I actually want to impress Sydney before I claim her pussy, make her mine.
“How have you made it twenty-six years without learning how to dress yourself, baby bro?” Jenny stands in the doorway of my closet, shaking her head. “You’re kind of a mess. You know that?”
My hands tremble as I search through drawers and shelves, hoping something will jump out and hit me on the head and say, Wear this, dummy.
“I made it just fine on my own, thank you very much,” I deadpan. “Do you know how often I have to get dressed up?”
“You have dinners and functions you attend for hockey, and you wear suits for games. I don’t see how this is any different.” She steps into the closet with me and takes the tie from my hands. “First of all, this color does not match the shirt you have on, and second, you look like a hot mess. Your pants are full of wrinkles. Were you rolling around on the floor in them, or did you find them in a pile of dirty clothes?” She holds out her other hand, frowning. “Take them off, and let me iron them for you.”
“No.” I step back from her. “I’m not taking off my pants in front of you, Jenny.”
“Carter, it’s just me, your big sis, the same girl who dressed and fed you for most of your life. Stop being such a weirdo. I have seen you in your boxers a thousand times. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”
Even around my own sister, I have body issues I cannot shake. Despite my current conditioning and muscular physique, the same fat kid mentality lingers, always there in the back of my mind. I will probably be somewhat self-conscious for the rest of my life. It’s not something I have ever grown out of as an adult.
As an overweight child, kids picked on me throughout most of school. I never had many friends because of it. Trusting people is hard for me, which is why I have trouble with letting Sydney into my life. But I want to change for her.
If she can drop her high and mighty act and show me the real Sydney, we can make this work. I see a lot of myself in her sometimes. Her self-doubt and insecurity I can identify with. I know it’s there. We have that in common. She doesn’t have to say a word for me to figure that out. Her eyes tell me everything I need to know.
After I stop being a baby, I strip off my pants and hand them over to Jenny. “Thank you,” I say, staring at the ground, ashamed that I acted like an idiot. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”
She places her tiny palm flat on my back. “This is what we do for each other. I hope everything works out for you, Carter. You need a good woman in your life. You need someone to make you whole again.”
“The missing piece of the puzzle.”
She’s so tiny in comparison to me. How we share the same DNA is beyond me. I’m almost as tall as the ceiling and more than twice her size in width. Jenny could fit under my arm she’s so small. Just like our mother. I inherited my father’s height and build. But I did not get his temperament. Thank God. We are nothing alike regarding personality, and because of that, we have never gotten along.
“I hope she’s the one, or at least the one that will lead you to her. I would like to see you settle down at some point,” Jenny says, clutching the gray slacks in her hands. “I think it would be good for you. The stability is what you need. You can’t live your life this way. The one-night stands and puck bunnies need to stop.”
“I don’t hook up with that many puck bunnies,” I say because it’s the truth. “But I’m a man, and I have needs. I don’t expect you to understand that.”
Explaining why I keep my shirt on during sex is never easy. So, I try to avoid dealing with women who want to know more, which is why Sydney scared me away in the beginning. Her search for the truth was too much for me to handle. I’m still not ready, but at least now, I want to give it a shot.
“Oh, I understand perfectly. We all have needs. I just wish you would find someone that can help you move on. I hate seeing you live your life this way.” Jenny shoves my pants under her arm and grabs hold of my wrist. She brings it up to eye level and runs her fingers over the script writing that marks my skin, reminding me of my past. “Maybe she will be the light you need.”
“That’s what you’re for,” I tell her, with a devious grin.
Jenny frowns, not the least bit entertained. “It’s time you find someone who can shine the light on your darkness, Carter. And it can’t be me. Not anymore. I live too far away now to pull you out of your funks. You need someone who can be there for you when you’re too weak to fight it on your own.”
“I’m not weak,” I spit back, my words thick on my tongue.
“I know that, Carter. I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant. You’re the strongest man I have ever known. Too bad you have never seen that for yourself.” Jenny runs her hand down my arm to soothe me, the same way she did when I was a kid.
After our mother had died, Jenny did this every night when I had trouble sleeping and after she rubbed the cream into the gashes my father had ripped open with his belt or whatever he had near him at the time.
We stand there for a minute, unblinking and unsure of what to say to each other. Jenny knows what I’m thinking without even speaking. If anyone knows my darkness, it’s Jenny. No one understands what I had gone through more than my sister. Our father made her watch every awful thing he did to me just to torture her. That was his way of taking out his anger on Jenny because I always swooped in to save her from his wrath.
I have to leave in thirty minutes, and I still need to trim my beard and shower. While I can guarantee Sydney will be fashionably late, I like to be on time. Maybe a few minutes early, if possible. I have this thing about showing up late.
“I have to get ready,” I tell Jenny, breaking the silence between us. We were quiet far too long without moving or breathing, and it was starting to freak me out.
As if Kyle heard my prayer for someone to save me from my thoughts and this conversation, his voice blares through the speaker of the baby monitor shoved into Jenny’s jean pocket.
She glances down at the walkie-talkie like device and removes it from her pocket to hit a button to silence his screams. “Well, I better get him settled. Sounds like he’s up from his nap. Can you set up the ironing board for me, so I can fix these pants and have you looking like a respectable man for this date? You are going to win this girl over, and move on with your life if it kills me. No more dwelling on the past, Carter.”
I nod. “I will try my best. Miracles don’t happen overnight.”
“They kind of do. That’s why they’re called miracles.” She flashes a playful smirk in my direction. “I’m keeping my fingers crosses that you get the happy ending you deserve. Now, let me take care of Kyle and these pants while you hop in the shower.”