‘Very similar,’ she said honestly now, ‘although Vanessa’s is more silvery than your mummy’s.’
‘It looks like angel hair. I wish mine was that colour.’
‘She’s learning early,’ Sara laughed, ruffling her niece’s curly locks.
‘Would you like to read me a story?’
The invitation, offered to Vanessa very much with the air of royalty bestowing a favour on a humble suitor, made Sara smile, but she still said firmly, ‘Vanessa is just going home, and she’s too tired to read to you now.’ She saw Carly’s face start to crumple and offered palliatively, ‘She has invited us to go to her house tomorrow though. She’s been looking after the cats and dog for us.’
Once again the childish eyes rounded. Vanessa, who had been clutching the retrieved teddy, leaned over the bed and tucked it in alongside Carly.
As she straightened up, Carly leaned forwards and gave her a noisy kiss. She was always an affectionate child; Sara had encouraged her to be demonstrative. She and Sam had been brought up by parents who loved them very much but who were physically rather remote, and they had both agreed that they didn’t want that for Carly. Watching the delighted pleasure in Vanessa’s eyes as she willingly complied with Carly’s request to be tucked in by her, Sara was glad that the little girl had taken to her, and yet at the same time she was conscious of feeling very much alone, aware that she and Sam were no longer attuned to one another in the way that they had been following the accident.
On her way downstairs, Vanessa made firm arrangements for the following afternoon. Jonas was waiting in the hall for his sister, and they left almost immediately.
‘Nice couple, aren’t they?’ commented Sam as he helped her to wash the coffee cups, adding teasingly, ‘Not a bit in the Wayne Houseley mould at all, is he?’
‘I like Vanessa, but he isn’t my type,’ Sara said shortly, feeling the need to expand on her statement when Sam raised his eyebrows a little and frowned. ‘He’s too sure of himself, Sam… Too…’
‘Male?’ he supplied rather drily, shocking her with his percipience. He put down the cloth he was using to dry the cups and came over to her, taking hold of her hands in his and turning them over. For several seconds he seemed lost in contemplation of her palms, but when he lifted his head his expression was extremely grave.
‘Perhaps now isn’t the time to say so, Sara, but I’m worried about you. Life dealt you a terrible blow when Rick was killed—I know that—but you can’t mourn him for ever, my love. You must learn to love and let go. You’re hanging on to your grief…fostering it almost. You’ve become almost compulsive about it…turned in on yourself too much. You’ve built your life round Carly and me, and that’s not right…not for a girl of your age. You should get
out more.’
‘Find someone else?’ Sara’s voice was brittle. Snatching her hands away from him, she turned her back and demanded in a harsh voice. ‘Is that what you’re planning on doing, Sam? Finding someone else to take Holly’s place…or have you already found her?’
Tears pricked her eyes as she threw down her cloth and fled to her room. What was the matter with her? she asked herself as she curled up in the chair in front of her window. She had just quarrelled bitterly with her brother, something that had never happened before, and why? Because she was fighting like a cornered creature, terrified of the way she could feel her life changing around her, and illogically she blamed those changes on Jonas.
Downstairs she had said things to Sam that she had no right to say—and had thought worse. She had deliberately tried to make him feel guilty, to insinuate that he had no right to love someone else, that he was betraying Holly in doing so. And that was wrong.
Uncurling herself from her chair, she went tiredly downstairs and knocked on Sam’s door.
When he opened it she saw the unhappiness in his eyes, and went straight into his arms.
‘Sam, I’m so sorry,’ she choked into his shoulder. ‘I don’t know what got into me; please forgive me.’
‘You didn’t say anything to me that I haven’t said to myself since I met Vanessa,’ he told her quietly, making no pretence of not understanding. ‘I know what you’re thinking, Sara. I’ve thought it myself, but it’s taken meeting Vanessa for me to realise what you and I were doing. We’ve lost two people we love very dearly—nothing can change that—but neither of them would want us to spend the rest of our lives refusing to accept and share love with someone else because of that. In their place, would you? Would you honestly want Rick to spend his life alone grieving for you if the positions had been reversed?’
Would she? Perhaps not, but that didn’t change how she felt. Unlike Sam, she didn’t want to love anyone else. Love meant pain, uncertainty.
‘It’s serious between you and Vanessa, then?’ she asked him without answering.
‘It could be. I haven’t known her long after all. I’ve only met her four times before tonight. She showed me round the cottage the first time then I came down.’
‘And she was the one you fell in love with, not the cottage as you told me,’ Sara tried to tease.
‘I should have talked to you about her before, but it was all so sudden, and she’s so shy and insecure that I don’t want to rush her.’ He made a wry face. ‘After all, even if something does develop between us, she won’t be getting any bargain, will she?’ He glanced at his wheelchair and said quietly, ‘I know I’m making good progress, but I’ll probably never be entirely free of that…’
‘If she loves you that won’t make any difference,’ Sara assured him swiftly.
‘Ah yes…if she loves me…’
‘You didn’t tell me that she and her brother were looking after Miss Betts’s animals, or about Miss Betts’s relationship with their uncle.’
‘Mmm? No, I didn’t, did I?’ There was a faintly ironical gleam in his eyes. ‘You seemed so dead set against Jonas it seemed a shame to tell you the truth. It was the first spark of emotion I’d seen in you since the funeral. You’re taking Carly round tomorrow when you go to collect the animals, then?’
‘Yes…if you don’t mind?’