‘I hope you don’t expect me to be surprised,’ she managed to say, going forward to hug Vanessa and then kiss her brother.
Oddly enough, it was not the fact that in committing himself to Vanessa Sam was putting the past behind him that made her throat raw and tight, but the knowledge that she and her brother were now on opposite sides of the line that divided those who had love in their lives and those who did not.
She wasn’t jealous, she told herself as she watched the tender look Sam and Vanessa exchanged. How could she be? After all, if she had wanted another emotional relationship she could have had one with Jonas…
Although it had been the last thing she had intended to say she heard herself commenting brightly to Vanessa, ‘I see Jonas is back. The lights were on in one of the greenhouses last night.’
‘Yes, he came back just before Sam and I went out. I’m hoping the news of our engagement will put him in a better mood than he’s been in these last few days. Something’s obviously bothering him, but I don’t know what. It isn’t like Jonas to be bad-tempered. He’s had his problems with the business, but I’ve never seen him with his temper on as short a fuse as it’s on at the moment.’
‘It sounds to me as though he needs a woman in his life,’ laughed Sam.
‘Umm.’ Vanessa looked rather grave. ‘The parents have been hoping for a long time that he’ll marry. My mother worries that his mother’s death had such a traumatic effect on him that he won’t let himself risk a deep emotional attachment. I can say this to both of you without being disloyal, because you’ve both experienced the same kind of loss. Jonas hates anyone to think he’s anything less than completely invincible, but at heart he’s a tremendous romantic. I know when I was pregnant he told me that there was no way he’d ever leave any woman to bear his child alone. Of course that was some time ago, but he’s always had a very over-developed sense of responsibility towards others. Perhaps now that I’m off his hands he might start to think seriously about looking for a wife. He needs someone he can share the burden of the house with—and despite its beauty, in many ways it is a burden. It simply eats money on maintenance and upkeep.’
‘Obviously what he needs is a very rich wife,’ quipped Sara lightly, but Vanessa frowned, her expression very earnest as she said seriously,
‘Oh no, Sara, Jonas would never marry just for financial gain. He’s very old-fashioned and proud in that way, you know, very much in the same mould as his father.’
‘You mean he wants an obedient little homebody of a wife, who’ll let him walk all over her?’
Sara could tell by the indignant colour in Vanessa’s cheeks that she wasn’t pleased.
‘I thought you and Jonas liked one another,’ she said stiffly, ‘but it seems I was wrong. Please forgive me, I shouldn’t have bored you with my personal family concerns, Sara.’ With a very chilly smile she turned to Sam. ‘I’d better get back now, darling. Do you still want to break the news to Carly at lunchtime as we planned or…’
‘It’s all arranged,’ Sam told her firmly. ‘I’ve booked a table at The Bull, and I’ve told Carly it’s a very special occasion. I suspect she already has a pretty good idea of what’s going to happen. She asked me last night if I thought that God might send her the new mummy she’s been praying for soon.’
After he had watched Vanessa drive away Sam turned back from the window and said judicially, ‘You were a bit hard on Jonas there, Sara.’
‘I’m sorry if I upset Vanessa.’ Her voice was toneless, but in reality she felt extremely guilty. Vanessa’s quiet reaction to her comments had made her feel very uncomfortable and bad-mannered.
‘She’s a very fond sister,’ was Sam’s only comment, although he added, ‘and you should know what that means. I must say though, that, like her, I thought you and he were getting on pretty well.’
‘You mean you thought there might be another romance brewing,’ snapped Sara. ‘That would be nice and tidy, wouldn’t it? But I’m not like you, Sam—I can’t bring myself to forget the past and start afresh.’
‘Now just a minute.’ Looking very angry, Sam hobbled towards her, gripping her arm. ‘If you’re trying to insinuate that because I’m marrying Vanessa, Holly and my life with her will be completely forgotten, you couldn’t be more wrong. Vanessa and I are both agreed that we want Carly to grow up feeling that she can talk freely about her mother. Holly was a very important part of my life before I met Vanessa, and she will always have a place in my heart. The fact that I’m marrying Vanessa doesn’t mean I’m trying to wipe out the past. I love Vanessa in a very different way than I loved Holly. She and I were young together; neither of us had experienced the pain that both Vanessa and I have experienced. It will be a different relationship—a different relationship, Sara, not a better or a worse one, simply a different one. You know, you’re clinging so hard to the past that I’m beginning to wonder why you’re so frightened to let it go. This isn’t the life Rick would have wanted for you…’
‘How do you know what Rick would have wanted for me?’
It shocked her to hear herself practically screaming the words.
‘I know because he was my friend a damn sight longer than he was your fiancé,’ Sam returned, equally incensed. ‘I’ve sat back and watched while you’ve put him on a pedestal, Sara, but I’m telling you now that the Rick you seem to have enshrined in your memories bears precious little resemblance to the Rick I knew; he was a living, breathing human being, not a demigod.’
‘Stop it; I don’t want to listen to any more!’ Covering her ears, Sara ran out of the room, not stopping until she had reached the sanctuary of her own bedroom.
As she sank down on the bed, she chided herself for her adolescent behaviour. It was all Jonas’s fault, she thought tormentedly. Until he came into her life she had been quite content, and now…
Now she ached with an unsatisfied sexual need that tormented her mentally nearly as much as it did physically. It seemed incomprehensible that she should be subject to this fierce tug of physical desire, a desire so strong that it made her jumpy and short-tempered, that it tricked her into quarrelling with Sam and upsetting Vanessa. With a low moan she buried her head in her hands. Perhaps the only way she was going to get rid of it was to succumb to it. Shocked by what she was being forced to admit, she got up and walked over to the window.
Carly was playing outside in the garden with the dog. When Sam and Vanessa married there would be no place here for her. She would have to find somewhere else to live…and some means of supporting herself.
Soon Vanessa would be returning to pick Sam and Carly up for their luncheon date. She glanced at her watch. There was plenty of time to get Carly washed and ready; like Sam, she did not anticipate any problems with the little girl accepting Vanessa as her stepmother. Already she had shown how much she liked Vanessa, and Vanessa herself was not the type to differentiate between her stepdaughter and any other children she and Sam might have.
She would go downstairs and bring Carly in to get her ready, but first she had to make her peace with Sam.
Squaring her shoulders, she went down to his sitting-room. It was easier than she had expected. He was as eager to make up their quarrel as she was.
‘I’m sorry if I upset you,’ he apologised gruffly. ‘But since I’ve met Vanessa I’ve begun to realise what you’re doing to yourself, Sara. You’re turning yourself into a nun, living life only at third-hand. That isn’t what Rick would have wanted for you. I know that…’
‘Maybe it’s what I want for myself,’ responded Sara lightly, but he refused to be mollified.