Only Ethan’s way of dealing with it had been to deny that part of himself. And that couldn’t be healthy in the long run.
“It wasn’t just her reaction. It was what she did—” He bit the words off and gave her a hostile look. “I thought we agreed not to talk about this anymore.”
She sighed. “We did. But I’m a nosy bitch, just like my grandmother.”
“Then I’ll tell you what I told your grandmother. Stop trying to understand me, because once this case is solved, I’m out of here.”
If I don’t understand what makes you tick, what the hell am I going to tell our child when it asks about you? She swallowed the thought and the rising tide of anger, and looked away. “I know you’re out of here,” she replied, keeping her voice even. “You keep telling me that at every opportunity. But that doesn’t stop me from being curious.”
His anger, frustration, and hurt swam around her, an emotive swirl that brought tears to her eyes. What on earth had this woman said or done … the thought faded. She remembered him stating that no child of his was ever going to face what he’d had to face. Combine that with what he’d said only moments before—that it was what she did more than what she’d said—and the final piece of the jigsaw finally fell into place. Horror snatched her breath, and for several seconds she could only stare at him.
He glanced at her. “What?”
“She was pregnant, wasn’t she?”
His knuckles went white against the steering wheel. He took a deep breath, then ground out in a raw voice, “Yes.” There were some wounds that time never healed, and the loss of a child was one of them.
She placed a hand on his arm, feeling the tension under her fingertips.
He shook off her touch almost angrily. “Maybe now you’ll understand why I didn’t want to talk about it.”
All she could understand was that by refusing to accept what had happened, he was keeping the pain of that night alive and festering deep in his soul. She didn’t expect him to forget, because something like that you could never forget, but acceptance was vital if he was ever to move on with his life.
“Did she abort the child?”
“No.” He took another deep breath and let it out slowly. “She said she didn’t want the child of a monster in her body any longer than necessary and threw herself down the stairs.”
“And it worked?”
A muscle in his cheek pulsed as he battled to not show the torment she could feel through every pore.
“I rushed her to the hospital. She told the doctors I pushed her.”
“Were you charged?”
“No. While accusing me, she accidentally
let the truth of what had happened slip out.”
“And she lost the child?”
“Yes.”
She touched his arm again. This time he didn’t shake it off, but he was no more relaxed than before. “Just because Jacinta reacted that way doesn’t mean every woman would.”
His laugh was a short, harsh sound that hurt her ears. “If the woman I loved couldn’t accept what I was, what hope is there of any other woman accepting it?”
I accept it. But he didn’t want to hear that. Might never be ready to hear it if he couldn’t see beyond the pain of that night. “The question is, did she love you?”
His gaze stabbed hers. “She carried my child. We were going to get married.”
“That doesn’t mean she loved you.”
“Maybe in your free-and-easy world it doesn’t, but in mine, that suggests love.”
His words knifed right through her. In two simple words he’d summed up what he thought of her. But she’d never been particularly free or easy, despite the fact that she’d had more than a couple of lovers. Nor had she ever been inclined to give in to lust and go to bed with a man just for sex. Until Ethan.
But then, deep down she’d always known there was something more than just sex happening between Ethan and her. At least on her side.