“I know, right?” I shake my head.
“Jake is nothing like your father,” Ellie says softly.
“I know. I do.” In every way that counts, I’d say Jake’s entirely different. Except that I feel like I’m seventeen again, knowing my whole life is about to change and that the easiest path is to let someone who doesn’t really want me take me in. Last night, Jake made it clear that he’s attracted to me, but is that enough? Admitting that he’s thought about me naked is a far cry from wanting to have a life with me.
“So why the insecurity?” Ellie leans forward on the table and studies my face. “I know I wasn’t on board with the idea of you becoming a single mom, but honestly, I didn’t realize how serious you were about this. I think you and Jake would make great parents.”
Parents. That makes it sound like we’d do it together, side by side. “Jake didn’t sign up for parenting with me,” I say, my voice cracking a little on the words. Audible heartbreak. “That wasn’t our deal.”
“But you have to believe he’d be involved, right?”
I nod, feeling the unwelcome heat of tears pricking my eyes. “I know he would. Jake doesn’t take family lightly either. When he rushed out the door to be with his mom, I realized what should have been so obvious from the start—there’s no way he’s going to give me a baby and not feel responsible for both of us for the rest of his life.”
“He’d be your rock,” Ellie says. “Maybe even more. You two are so good together. The chemistry between you on the dance floor last night . . .” She shakes her hand as if it’s been burnt. “Scorching.”
“I don’t want to become an obligation he can’t ignore. I can’t spend the rest of my life like that. I want better for myself and for my child.”
“So what does that mean?”
I draw in a ragged breath. “I think it means I need to postpone Operation Pregnancy for the immediate future.” I blink away tears. “I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid. I just wanted what I wanted so badly that I didn’t think it through. I don’t think I wanted to.” I shake my head. “How dare I ask him to give me a child?”
“You didn’t ask—not sober, at least.” She squeezes my wrist again. “Jake offered. And I promise you, he thought it through. He knew what he was doing when he made you that offer.”
I look away. I know exactly what Jake was doing—he was giving me what I so desperately wanted. He was taking care of his family.
If I have a baby on my own with the help of the fertility clinic instead of him, it’ll be the same. Jake will be right there to help me every step of the way. Because that’s who he is. But at least that way he’d be able to walk away when he met someone else. He wouldn’t have the forever kind of obligation a child of his own would give him. “I don’t want him cornered into a life with me like Dad was when Mom moved. I don’t want to feel like I did when I was seventeen. I never want to feel like that again.”
She shakes her head. “Jake wouldn’t make you feel that way, though. He wants you around, Ava. He’s been your best friend forever, and there’s a reason for that.”
My best friend. But last night we opened Pandora’s box, and now I don’t know if I can handle going back to the status quo. “My dad got me a lead on a job,” I say, desperate to stop talking about Jake. “He’s convinced I’m going to get laid off.”
“Jerk,” she mutters.
I sigh. “Totally, but that’s Dad.”
“What’s the job?”
“I’d be teaching theater and drama, and starting a new children’s theater from the ground up.” I laugh softly. “I can’t even imagine a life without endless composition papers. This would be all theater and teaching kids who love it.” I sit up straighter. “Their budget for plays and musicals is insane, and even though they only called me because of Dad’s connections, they act like they’re really impressed with me and my experience. They want me to interview.”
“That’s amazing. What’s the holdup?”
“The job’s in Florida.”
“Oh,” Ellie says. “Wow.”
“No kidding.” I let out a
breath. “It’s near my mom, so there’s that, but I always assumed I’d spend the rest of my life in Jackson Harbor, know what I mean?”
She nods. “I do. I didn’t grow up there like you did, but it even feels like home to me.”
“Yeah, but what’s keeping me here? Every time I have to see Harrison with his baby, it’s going to kill me.” And if I stay in Jackson Harbor and have a baby on my own, Jake’s going to sacrifice his own life to be my rock.
“You’re seriously considering this.”
“I don’t know. Maybe?”
She squeezes my hand, and I can see the anguish on her face. I know she wants to say more. She wants to tell me that Jake and I can work it out, but to her credit, she doesn’t. Instead, she waves to the waitress and asks for two mimosas.