“Did you keep doing work for Nelson after Colton stopped?” she asks.
I hesitate for a long beat before answering. “I thought about it, but then I met you.”
“So you got out because Colt got out?”
My chest feels tight. I want her to understand, but speaking the truth is like cutting myself open. “And because you made me want to be better.” I wince. “I guess it sounds pretty pathetic, being so into my best friend’s girl that I changed my whole life to be worthy of her. But I’m not sorry. Not for changing and not for caring for you enough to do it.”
“You would have changed without me,” she says. “Don’t give me the credit.”
I’m not sure that’s true. I didn’t care about anything but myself before Ellie. “I’m not proud of the things I did for Nelson, but I can see now that I was trying to fill an emptiness—trying to feel like I had control over my world when my father’s death made me feel like I had none.”
“I’m glad you found motocross to feed your thrill addiction,” she says, and I can hear her smile.
“I did. Before I quit.”
She stills in my arms. “You quit? When? Why?”
I shift her hand in mine and trace a circle on her palm. “I missed a race after you were hospitalized because I wasn’t going to leave the hospital. And then another the next weekend because I was still a mess. Then I realized I just didn’t have it in me anymore. My manager tried to convince me to take a two-month hiatus and set a planned return date, but I knew I needed to let my team go so they could find work with another rider. Colton was missing and I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to return, so I let them go and retired.”
“I thought you’d keep racing for years.”
Me too. “My team deserves better than to work for a guy who’s just going through the motions for a check. I want to be home for family brunches and be around to watch my niece grow up. I don’t need to chase the thrill anymore.” I trail a thumb down the side of her jaw, my mind flashing with images of the hardest days of my life—seeing Ellie in the hospital and knowing she might not survive. “I used to think I needed to look danger in the face to live my life to the fullest, but seeing you connected to all those machines cured me of that.”
She releases my hand and turns in my arms. She skims her fingertips across the stubble on my jaw. “What are you going to do now?”
“I’d like to work for the family business.” My voice cracks a little. Christ, it’s such a simple thing, but I’m scared shitless. “Brayden has too damn much on his plate, and I think I could help. I could do the people side of management and distribution. He could have the time he needs with the numbers and spreadsheets he loves so much.”
“Have you talked to him?”
Just talking about it with Ellie makes everything inside me buzz with nervous energy. “Not yet. I will after Jake’s wedding. I just want . . .” You. Us. A chance.
“Normal?” she asks.
“I guess so. I love my family. They’ve always been there for me, but I haven’t been there for them the way they deserved. I want to be here. For them and for you. Any way you’ll take me.”
“I love Colton,” she says.
I close my eyes because I don’t want those words to hurt, but they fucking do.
She presses her hand to my cheek. “Levi,” she says, so I open my eyes. “I’m not done. I love Colton, but I don’t understand why I made the decisions I did.”
I sit up and click on the bedside lamp. “You were pregnant, Ellie. I think you were trying to do what was best for everyone. You told me you wanted to work on it. To try.”
“Isn’t there a long way between trying and getting married?”
I exhale slowly. “I would’ve thought so, but maybe it was something you thought you had to do. I can’t pretend I understood, and I definitely didn’t like it.”
“You asked me about what happens if Colton comes back, and I keep thinking about it. I wouldn’t be with him. And it’s not just because I’m not pregnant or even because his battle with addiction was becoming too much for me.”
“It wasn’t a fair question.” I graze my knuckles over her cheek. “There’s no way how you can know how you’ll feel if we find out he’s alive.”
She lifts herself up, then straddles my lap. “He is alive, Levi. I saw him when we were at the lake yesterday. He must be staying out there.”
I stiffen. What the hell? “You saw him? Did he hurt you? Did he threaten you?”
“No. Not at all. He told me to stay with you, actually. To let you protect me.” She pauses a beat. “He kissed me.”
My chest burns. “Did you kiss him?” I’m not sure it should matter. My best friend has been missing for two months. I thought he was dead and he’s alive. And I’m fixated on a kiss.