My breath catches as my eyes make sense of what I’m seeing. A face, a body, little arms and legs. Oh my goodness. “You’re really there.” I don’t mean to say it out loud, but the tech smiles.
“We’ll take some measurements and see how far along you are, and see if we can hear the heartbeat.” She uses the computer mouse to freeze the image, clicking one end of the tiny body and then the other.
I know how far along I am. I know exactly what night I got pregnant. The weekend Colton and I were traveling and I forgot my pills at home. I didn’t think it would matter.
I let her do her work and stare at the tiny human the screen that’ll grow into the biggest responsibility of my life.
She clicks again, and suddenly the room fills with a whoosh, whoosh that matches my racing heart. “That’s the sound of your blood flowing into the placenta.” She adjusts the wand, and
I hear it—the shift in tempo, the faster beat.
My eyes fill with tears as the sound fills my ears and limbs. I can’t hear or comprehend anything else. It’s like the most intense surround sound of my life.
“Are you okay, Ellie?” she asks gently.
I nod. “It’s amazing.”
“It really is.” She removes the wand and wipes the gel off my belly before helping me lower my feet and sit up. “You’re brave to come in here on your own. I know this process scares a lot of women.”
There’s a question in her voice that I don’t want to answer. “I didn’t plan on being a single mom.” I’m surprised to hear the admission slip out of me. “But it looks like that’s the way it’s gonna be.”
She gives me a soft smile, more tentative than the ear-to-ear grin she gave when she first entered the room. “Do you want to talk about your options, or—”
“I’m keeping it.”
She nods. “There are resources. I don’t know your financial situation, but through the state we have some programs that—”
“I’ll be fine.” That’s such bullshit. I have a high-deductible insurance that’s essentially only useful in a catastrophic health crisis, a two-bedroom house where the tiny second bedroom is currently acting as my walk-in closet, and a two-door Kia I’m not sure is big enough to carry a car seat. I make okay money, but my income is unpredictable at best and unreliable at worst. While that was fine for a single girl more interested in adventures than a nine-to-five daily grind, it’ll be entirely different when I have a child I have to provide for on my own. “I’m scared,” I confess to the tech.
“That’s normal.” She taps on the keyboard, printing out a few black-and-white images before turning back to me. “These are for you. And I’ll get you some information on our financial assistance programs, and you can see if any of them apply to you.”
“Thank you.” I take the images. “I appreciate it.”
“I’ll get out of here, and you can get dressed. They’ll give you a card for your next appointment on your way out.” She taps a few more times at her keyboard, then leaves the room.
I press my palm to my belly where that tiny human is growing, where his or her heart beats faster than mine but in a rhythm that feels like it’s part of the same song.
What would Colton do if he knew about this baby? Would he promise to never see Molly again? Would he quit the pills for good? Would that be enough for me to take him back?
It wouldn’t change the fact that Molly’s moving home with Colton’s kid, and that on a gut-deep level I’ll never trust him with her. I’m not sure that’s a challenge we can overcome.
And then there’s this thing I feel for Levi. What am I supposed to do about that? Can Levi and I really expect to be together happily? And doesn’t he deserve more than a terrified mother-to-be who can’t separate her fear of ending up like her mom and sister from her feelings for a man she knows would do anything to protect her?
After dressing and checking out, I wander out of the clinic and down the street to Ooh La La! bakery. There’s no comfort food like Star’s cupcakes, so I order one double chocolate and a decaf black tea before taking a seat in the coveted corner booth.
I pull my phone from my purse, and the ultrasound pics come out with it, leaving my little peanut to smile up at me as I call Colton. His phone rings once and clicks over to voicemail. “Hey, it’s Ellie. We need to talk.” I trace the image with my fingertip. “Call me.”
“Is my jerkface brother avoiding your calls?”
I look up at Ava. “He seems to be,” I say as she slides into the booth across from me. I try to smile, but seeing Colton’s sister just makes me feel guilty about what I did with Levi last night. I feel guilty for betraying Colton and guilty for starting something with Levi I’m in no position to pursue when I need to focus on being a mom.
“What’s that?” She takes the ultrasound images from the table and looks at them one by one, her eyes growing teary. “Oh, sweet thing. I can’t wait to meet you.” When she meets my eyes, her tears roll down her cheeks. “Did you go to the appointment alone?”
“I should have called you,” I say, my throat growing thick.
“Next time.”
I nod. “I promise.”