“It doesn’t matter.”
“Fuck, Hanna. What did this loser do to you?”
“He’s not a loser!” She snaps her mouth shut and drops her gaze to her coffee.
My gaze floats to her naked ring finger. “So you haven’t given him an answer yet.”
She gasps. “I wouldn’t be here if I had.”
I am such a hypocrite, because fuck that hurts. “Yeah, but you see, that assumes you’re going to take him back. If you’d answered and told him no, there’d be nothing wrong with being here with me.”
I return to the fruit salad, and the room is tense with our silence.
I make us each a plate and take them to the sunroom. No sun this morning. Rain has been falling since last night, and I’m not sure when it’s supposed to stop. She settles into the chair across from me and closes her eyes.
“I’m sorry, Hanna,” I say. “I know you love Max. I just…”
“What do you want me to do?” she asks.
I drop my fork and shake my head. Because that’s just it. “Nothing. I’m not asking anything from you. I’m not him.”
Pushing out of her chair, she goes outside. That came out wrong. Shit. I just mean that he’s better than me. He’s the better choice, the choice that makes sense. I follow her to the patio, where she’s watching the rain.
“It’s not you,” I say softly. “You know that, right?” The sky is gray, the rain coming down in a constant melancholy drizzle. Miserable day for a miserable conversation. “I can’t offer you more than this. Even when you deserve more. It’s not because I don’t want it. It’s because I made a promise to myself. To my son.”
When she turns to me, confusion is all over her face as she traces the tattoo with Collin’s birthday. “I never asked you for more, Nate.”
Her touch is killing me. Making me want what I can’t have. I grab her hand and squeeze. “But you deserve it.”
“I’m a big girl. Let me decide what I deserve.”
“You deserve everything. Anything you could want. But I’m not the man to give that to you. I can’t.” I take a breath and study the sky because I can’t look her in the eye when I tell the story—when I explain how easy I am to leave behind. I tell her about my dad leaving, about being the second family, explain that I can’t do that to Collin, and with every word, I hear Vivian talking over me in my head. “Don’t use Collin as an excuse to put walls around your heart. Whoever she is, she’s already found her way in. Think about what you’re doing before you push her away.”
“You’re a great dad, Nate,” she says when I’m finished. And even though she really doesn’t have any evidence for her claim, it still means the world coming from her. “You’d never make him feel like that.”
“It’s hard enough to be a kid to celebrity parents. I won’t pile that on too. Collin is the most important thing in my life. I can’t give you more without taking something from him. I won’t do that.”
“I wish you’d quit making it seem like I’m asking for that.”
I stare at her, long and hard. I know she’s not asking for more from me. Isn’t that why I’m so scared to offer it? “What happens if we don’t end this, Hanna? You can’t be my mistress for the rest of my life. You can’t keep flying out here when I snap my fingers. Every time I say goodbye, I tell myself that’s it. That I’ll end it. Because you deserve that. But I’m weak and selfish as shit and keep calling you back because I can’t get enough of you.”
“What are you trying to say?”
I close my eyes and tilt my face to the sky, letting the rain wash over it. Then I feel her behind me. She kisses my bare shoulder and my heart snags between fear and hope.
“Are you still in love with him?”
I feel her tense behind me as she removes her mouth from my skin. “I am. But I’m in love with you too.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “Don’t say that.”
Before I know it, she’s gone—running into the house and away from me. How did I let this get so fucking complicated? I knew I would only hurt her, and I was right.
“Shit,” I breathe, chasing after her.
I find her in bed, curled onto her side, eyes closed. I climb in and wrap my arms around her. “I was in such an ugly, dark place the night we met. I looked into your eyes, and you were right there with me—my angel in the darkness. You saved m
e.” I breathe her in, a man taking his last breaths of pure oxygen before going underground. “You saved me, and I love you.”