This…her…it’s foreign.
“Go to bed.” I turn away.
“You didn’t—”
“Go to bed, Melissa,” I repeat.
“But you…the debt—”
I turn to her and when I take a step toward her, she takes one back. It makes me stop.
“Contrary to what you may think, rape doesn’t get me off. Now go to bed.”
4
Melissa
I walk back into the bedroom and close the door.
I look around, take in the sophistication of the place and for all its beauty, it’s sterile. Cold. Too clean and impersonal. Only the rumpled sheets and the smell of sex make it less clinical.
I walk into the bathroom, glancing at the lights of the strip as I go. The bathroom is big and it’s the only room without windows for walls. I lock the door behind me although I don’t think I need to. He won’t come in.
It smells like his aftershave and I wonder if he ever has women here because everything is so masculine.
Switching on the shower, I step beneath the flow. Even his soap, when I lather it, smells like him. Like he’s in here with me.
“You’re safe.”
For some reason, being here, in his shower, in his room, in his bed, I feel safe. Which just goes to tell you how screwy my radar is.
It’s not that he’s not dangerous. He is. But not to me. At least not right now.
Tonight, I don’t have to double-check the locks. Test every window.
Liza’s in town and she’s hurt. I wonder how long she’s been here. If she came looking for me. Why would she seek me out now?
But Liza isn’t the problem. She’s not the one who scares me.
I turn up the hot water. It’s almost too hot, but I stand under it and close my eyes.
I’m tired.
When the steam is too thick to see through, I switch off the water and grab one of the towels on the rack. I wrap it around myself and take a second to make a turban for my hair.
I wipe steam from the mirror and look at myself. All I think when I do this is it’s not me. It’s like this woman, she’s a stranger. Like I’m still that kid inside looking out of her eyes.
That’s the only part I recognize of myself. My eyes. I peer into the mirror and there I am, same as always.
If I look closely, I see the fear.
I wonder if others see it too. I doubt it though. Most people never really look close enough to see much of anything that’s real. That may make them uncomfortable.
I wipe the back of my hand across my nose and turn away, pull the towel from my hair wishing I had a hair tie, and walk into the bedroom to pick up his shirt. I slide it on.
It, too, smells like him. I don’t mind it. Besides, I don’t have anything else to put on.
I get into the bed and switch off the light because I don’t know what else to do. I’m wide awake and turn onto my side, looking out at the city below through the smoky glass.
It’s been a long while since I’ve had sex. This was the first time in almost seven years, in fact. I didn’t have any idea how I’d react to it, to someone touching me. I never thought I would let it happen again.
But what happened, I wouldn’t have guessed it’d be like that. I expected to disappear. Just vanish.
Maybe it’s because of what he said. That I was safe.
I guess I’m lucky that it was with him. Another man may have forced me. Held me down and did what he wanted to do.
Who am I kidding? Every other man would have done that.
“Rape doesn’t get me off.”
Then he’s in the minority.
This loan shark, criminal, auctioneer of women, the one I would have expected to be a rapist, he’s the opposite.
And then there’s the fact that I came.
He made me come.
I haven’t come with a man ever. Not once.
But what does the fact that he didn’t exactly get what he paid for mean for Liza? Is our deal off?
That’s what I’m thinking about when the bedroom door opens a little while later. I stiffen, close my eyes and hope he thinks I’m asleep.
He goes into the bathroom and I hear the shower go on. Ten minutes later, he’s back in the bedroom and I’m glad my back is to him when I feel the blanket lifted and the bed depresses beneath his weight.
When he drapes his arm over me, my eyelids fly open.
“Relax,” he whispers, like he can feel me tense up. I assume he can because he tucks my body into his, my back against his front. He’s warm and his arm is heavy over me, but I don’t mind it.
“Hawk—”
“Sleep.”
“But—”
“Do as I say and sleep, Melissa. This is hard enough.”
5
Hawk
She’s asleep when I wake in the early morning.