Teach Me Dirty

“But that’s crazy… You know that’s crazy…”

“It’s not crazy…” I could barely get my words out. “I can’t… I won’t let this happen. Mark, I won’t let this ruin you.”

“Don’t,” he said. “It doesn’t need to be like this…”

But it did. It did need to be like this.

Dad was growing impatient. I heard him sigh.

“I told him I’ll finish this. I told him it’s over. And he’ll leave you alone, I promise.”

“Helen…”

“It’s over, Mark,” I cried. “Please don’t worry, please don’t. He’s not going to say anything.”

“I’m not worried. Helen, please, we need to talk about this…”

But we didn’t. There was nothing else to say. Nothing else I could say.

Dad groaned, reached for the mobile, but I kept hold of it just long enough. Just long enough to summon my breath before it disappeared from me.

Just the tiniest whisper from my soul. A flutter in the pain. “Goodnight, Mr Roberts…”

I pressed call end, and Dad’s hand was waiting. He took the phone from me and dismantled it.

He took my laptop cable, too, made me hand it over through floods of tears.

And then he told me to get to fucking bed.

The conversation was done.

And so was I.

***

Helen

The most miserable night in existence, and it lasted forever. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think, I could hardly bear to breathe. And it hurt, it hurt so bad I could feel it inside me, a physical ball of agony, tight and sore and utterly devastated. I watched the sun come up through the curtains and I didn’t get up, didn’t want to get up. I never wanted to move again.

Mum rapped at the door at some point, but I didn’t even turn to face her. I sobbed at the sound of her voice, and hugged my pillow tight enough that my muscles cramped. I wanted to be smaller, so much smaller I’d disappear, my knees to my chest and the covers up around my ears. One tiny ball of agony sinking into nothing.

“Come on, Helen, love. Please come down… I’ll get you some breakfast, hey? Just a little bit of something. You’ve got to eat, Helen. You’ll feel so much better…”

“It’ll NEVER feel so much better!” My voice was just a sob.

“It feels like that now, love, I’m sure… but it will get better… it will.”

I couldn’t even argue, I didn’t have the fight. “Please leave me alone.”

“Don’t say that, love…”

“LEAVE ME ALONE! JUST GO!” I managed to tip my head in her direction. “Please, Mum, just leave me alone!”

She looked almost as sad as I did when she closed the door.

I heard voices. The boom of Dad’s rage from downstairs, and Mum’s shrieking. I didn’t know what they were saying and I didn’t care. And then later there was more, another voice, and my heart bled fresh pain that stole my breath.

The door opened so softly. Not even a knock.

“Hels?” Lizzie’s voice was a pathetic little whimper. “Hels, can I come in?” A sob caught her throat. “Hels, please. I need to see you…”

I cried. Oh, God, how I cried. I felt her weight on the bed, but I couldn’t face her. I didn’t want to face her.

I cried for a long time and she cried, too.

“Why?” I said. “Why did you do it, Lizzie?!”

I felt her come closer. “I didn’t mean to… Hels, please. I had no choice…”

“There’s ALWAYS a choice!”

“No,” she said. “There wasn’t!” She took a moment. “I didn’t know… about your Dad, on the bus. Or maybe I did, but I didn’t think, Hels, I didn’t even think about it. Me and Rachel got drunk at hers, and then she said we should go out, and it sounded like so much fun. And I was sad, sad about you, and I said yes, and then we got the bus… and…”

“And WHAT?”

“And your dad wanted to know where you were… he said you were with me… and I didn’t know, I just stared… I said you were with Harry, and he went mad, got up from his seat and everything…” I heard her sniff. “He wouldn’t listen to me, I said you were out with friends, from school, or maybe you’d gone home already, I said anything, Hels, but he knew. He knew already.”

“He didn’t KNOW!” I snapped. “He’s a suspicious, snoopy idiot! He always thinks the worst! But he didn’t KNOW! He never KNOWS! You didn’t have to TELL him!”

“I was drunk, Hels! I couldn’t think straight! I just blurted it out! I didn’t even mean to, he just went on and on, and I just said it! And I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, Helen!”

And then the thought was there. The horrible thought. “Does Rachel know?! Does she know about me and Mark?!”

“No!” Lizzie said. “She got off the bus, she didn’t hear, I swear! And I wouldn’t tell her what happened, I’d never tell her, Hels! I love you too much!”