Her voice grew louder. “You’re not messed up, okay? So get that terminology out of your mind. You have some dark patches periodically that you need to get through. And you also worry way too much about what it could mean in the future, how it relates to Mom. And that cripples you. You’re not our mom. Please don’t let your fears derail things if you really like this girl.”
“After my conversation with her, the minute I got back to my room, all I wanted was to talk myself out of my fears. Like, what if I could somehow make it work? Why does it have to be so hard?”
“It sounds like you want to make it work. But let me ask you something, Declan. You had a thing for the woman you worked with, and you’ve had girlfriends over the last few years. Did you avoid relationships with them because of your situation?”
“No, but that was different.”
“And why was it different?”
“Because… This is Molly. I don’t want her to get hurt.”
“Exactly. I think that says a lot about how you must feel about her. You want what’s best for her over what’s best for you.”
“Yes, so that’s why I need you to talk some sense into me. I need you to say, ‘Declan, this girl is going through a rough time. She doesn’t need your mental baggage on top of everything. Not to mention, you’re dating the girl you’ve been chasing for a year who doesn’t seem to require a commitment. Don’t turn everyone’s lives upside down by messing around with your roommate.’”
Catherine sighed. “But she’s more than just a roommate, isn’t she?”
I thought for a moment. “More than anything, she’s a good friend. And that’s the other part of this that’s so hard. I care about her so much and don’t want to cause her complications by pursuing this. But I just—”
“You can’t help how you feel.”
“Apparently not.”
“How would you feel if your boss told you that you had to return to California immediately—like, this second? Leave everything in Chicago behind and never return.”
That was easy. “It would really suck. I’d be devastated.”
“Do you think you’re gonna feel any different when you leave in a few months?”
Letting out a long breath, I said, “Probably not.”
“Then maybe you need to reassess. If you have real feelings for this girl, you need to listen to them. And you need to tell her about your fears, about all the things you think she can’t handle.”
Catherine wasn’t helping. She was usually a very reasonable person. That’s why I’d called her and not one of my other sisters. But today she’d gone all listen-to-your-feelings on me.
“I guess I don’t trust myself, Cat. Maybe she’d be better off with that jerk doctor. I’m a loose cannon and certainly not good at serious relationships. That’s what she wants.”
“How would you know you’re not good at them if you’ve never had one?”
“Why do you ask tough questions?”
“That’s my job! To make you think when your head seems stuck in your ass.”
“Are nuns supposed to say ass?”
“Every time you call me, I nearly get myself kicked out of this place.”
“Well, your little brother will always take you in, even when the Big Man won’t have you anymore.”
She laughed. “Remember that game we used to play where I’d throw out a single word, and you’d have to answer with the first word that came to mind?”
“Yeah?”
“That’s a good way to assess your true feelings on things. A one-word association tells a lot. Let’s play right now. Ready?”
I was never one to refuse a game. “Okay. Ready.”
Catherine started. “Chicago.”
“Pizza.”
“Dad.”
“Old Spice.”
“That’s two words,” she said.
“Sue me.” I laughed.
Catherine continued. “Advertising.”
That was easy. “Lies.”
“Beer.”
“Buzzed.”
“Nun.”
“Catherine.”
“Declan.”
“Screwed.” I chuckled.
“Ocean.”
“Home.”
“Julia.”
“Pretty.”
“Mom.”
“Belt.”
Catherine paused. “Belt?”
“That one time I ran away, she whooped my ass. Never forgot it. So yeah, belt.”
“Coffee.”
“Life.”
“Sister.”
“Scooter.”
“Chocolate.”
“Lick.”
“I don’t even want to know what you’ve been up to that triggered that association.”
“Something you haven’t been up to, dear sister.”
She laughed and said, “Molly.”
“Mine.”
Shit. Mine? That was the first thing that came to mind for Molly?
“Hmmm…” Catherine chuckled.
“Alright. Alright. I know what you’re thinking.”
“You do, huh?”
“You’re thinking I’m an idiot for even needing to have this discussion.”
“Look,” she said, “I’m the last person to be giving advice on romantic relationships. But this does seem obvious to me. You care for her. That should trump everything else.”
Then, of course, there was Julia. I sighed. “I care for Julia, too, but in a different way, I guess. I don’t want to hurt her, either.”
“You didn’t call me to talk about Julia,” Catherine noted. “That says it all, my brother.”
***
Molly and I had managed to avoid talking about anything for over a week. I knew she had to work Sunday night, so I was hoping to catch her before she left for her shift. That way if anything we said or did was awkward, she’d be away for twelve hours soon after.