“That’s one of the reasons we are looking for a quick, painless annulment, your honor,” Clarence explains. “Both my client and Ms. Alison...”
“Are too rich and too dumb for their own goods. Yes, I get it.”
I’m frozen like an ice sculpture. Ian looks like he wants to punch somebody. Probably the judge.
“Your honor...”
“You both swear that you have no conjoined assets, children, or such?”
“Yes, your honor.”
“Yes, your honor,” I echo again. Then, I add, “We have no shared properties, businesses, investments, or progeny.”
“Well, aren’t you both lucky?” The judge can’t stop laughing at our proposal to the court. “Now let me ask you this. Has the marriage been consummated?”
Here it comes. Vomit up my esophagus.
My lawyer sighs. Ian’s lawyer shakes his head in disbelief. My mother-in-law is fanning herself, because no matter how many times she butts into our sex lives, she doesn’t actually want to know when we’re knocking boots and exchanging whips. All I can think? Is that I’m glad I don’t have to lie. See, Ian, I told you this would be relevant!
“No, your honor,” I say first. “Mr. Mathers and I have not had marital relations since the signing of the marriage license.” I know what that means legally. We’ve humped and sucked and touched, but his dick came not an inch within my hole that the courts of law are so obsessed with.
“Not since the signing, I’m sure. Your lawyers made sure of that. Either that or you’re lying.” The judge shrugs. “All right. I will grant the annulment to Ian Mathers and Kathryn Alison.” Yay! Why isn’t he picking up his gavel? Why is he looking at us like our disappointed grandfather? “First let me make something very, very clear to the both of them.”
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
There are at least two dozen strangers in this courtroom. People transcribing what’s happening. Officers looking bored, or at least until the judge piques their interest by verbally ramming us in the asses, and randoms in the audience that have no business being here, but legally nobody is keeping them out. So to say I am about to be humiliated in a court of law is an understatement. Miguel puts a hand on my shoulder, as if that’s enough to brace me for what’s about to come.
“I don’t like it when I have to clean up messes like this.” The judge levels a harsh look at the two of us. I’m sure Ian is swallowing hard right now, but it’s me who is feeling the brunt of these words. “It’s one thing when two uneducated miscreants come stumbling in here screaming at each other because our entire system has failed them. You two? You two should know better than to get so damned drunk that you sign a piece of paper that will change your lives forever. Because let me tell you, Mr. Mathers and Ms. Alison, I can legally make this all go away, but you two will have to live with it for the rest of your lives. You will always remember that one time you made such massive fools of yourselves that you had to call in your fancy, expensive lawyers from across the country to clean up your mess. And you.” He points to Ian, whose eyes widen in surprise. “I’m pretty sure that’s your mother there, right?”
Caroline shrinks where she sits. Ian sighs. “Yes, your honor. It’s my mother. Most uninvited, I assure you.”
“Oh, I’m sure.” The chuckles coming from the judge are not meant to make us feel better. “No grown man wants his mommy sweeping in and trying to clean up his legal messes. If I were you right now, Mr. Mathers, I would be feeling pretty inept.”
Ian does not look inept. He looks greatly, vastly annoyed by this judge. Trust me. My boyfriend—er, husband—does not like it when people insult his intelligence and maturity. I do it all the time. I know.
“As for you, Ms. Alison...” Great. “You must know that marriage is not something to take lightly. You can’t get a mulligan every time you make a mistake with some man.”
What the fuck! Miguel has got to hold me back, because this pecker of a judge unleashed Kathryn Alison, raging mad feminist extraordinaire. Even Caroline is gasping on the other side of the courtroom. Ian might strangle someone to preserve my precious honor.
“You both lucked out this time. No shared assets or children. But don’t let your privilege inflate the laurels you both rest upon. May you two be an example to the rest of the court of what happens when rich children think they can magically get away with anything by calling their lawyers and mothers. The next judge you encounter after me might not be so understanding.”