"I know that," I answered. "I've been in love before. It's like a narcotic. At first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. The next day, you want more. You're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. You think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours.
"But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get a fix. And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you're willing to do anything for love."
"What a horrible way to put it," he said.
It really was a horrible way to put it; my analogy didn't go with the romance of the evening--the wine, the well, and the medieval houses in the plaza. But it was true. If he was going to base so many of his actions on love, he needed to know what the risks were.
"So we should love only those who can stay near us," I said.
He looked out at the fog. Now he no longer seemed interested in whether we negotiated the dangerous waters of a conversation about love. I was being tough, but there was no other way.
Subject closed, I thought. Our being together for these three days has been enough to change his mind. My pride was a bit wounded, but my heart was relieved. Do I really want this? I asked myself. I realized that I was already beginning to sense the storms brought on by the winds of love. I had already begun to feel the break in the dam.
We drank for some time without bringing up anything serious. We talked about the couple who owned the house and the saint for whom the town had been named. He told me some of the legends about the church across the square, which I could barely see in the fog.
"You're upset," he said at one point.
Yes, my mind was wandering. I wished I were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart--someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him the next day. With that reassurance, the time would pass more slowly. We could be silent for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation. I wouldn't have to worry about serious matters, about difficult decisions and hard words.
WE SAT THERE in silence--and that in itself was a sign. For the first time, we had nothing to say, although I only noticed this when he stood up to go find us another bottle of wine.
Silence. Then I heard the sound of his footsteps returning to the well where we'd been sitting for more than an hour, drinking and staring at the fog.
This was the first time we'd been silent for so long. It was not the awkward silence of the trip from Madrid to Bilbao. And not the silence of my fearful heart when we were in the chapel near San Martin de Unx.
This was a silence that spoke for itself. A silence that said we no longer needed to explain things to each other.
The sound of his footsteps halted. He was looking at me--and what he saw must have been beautiful: a woman seated on the edge of a well, on a foggy night, in the light of the street lamp.
The ancient houses, the eleventh-century church, and the silence.
The second bottle of wine was half empty when I decided to speak.
"This morning, I convinced myself that I was an alcoholic. I've been drinking from morning to night. In these past three days, I've drunk more than in the entire past year."
He reached out and stroked my hair without saying anything. I absorbed his touch without trying to pull away.
"Tell me about your life since I last saw you," I asked.
"There are no great mysteries to tell. My path is always there, and I do everything I can to follow it in a dignified way."
"What is your path?"
"The path of someone seeking love."
He hesitated for a moment, fiddling with the near-empty bottle.
"And love's path is really complicated," he concluded.
"Because on that path we can go either to heaven or to hell?" I wasn't sure whether he was referring to us or not.
He didn't respond. Perhaps he was still deep in the ocean of silence, but the wine had loosened my tongue again, and I had to speak.
"You said that something here in this city altered your course."
"Yes, I think it did. I'm still not absolutely sure, and that's why I wanted to bring you here."
"Is this some kind of test?"