I had surprised myself. But sometimes if you think you know something, you do wind up understanding it.
"I hope you won't think I'm being difficult," I said. "I have been with many men. I've made love to some I've barely known."
"Same here," he said.
He was trying to sound natural, but from his touch, I could tell that he hadn't wanted to hear this from me.
"But since this morning, I feel as if I'm rediscovering love. Don't try to understand it, because only a woman would know what I mean. And it takes time."
He caressed my face. Then I kissed him lightly on the lips and returned to my bed.
I wasn't sure why I did. Was I trying to bind him even closer to me, or was I trying to set him free? In any case, it had been a long day, and I was too tired to think about it.
For me, that was a night of great peace. At one point, I seemed to be awake even though I was still sleeping. A feminine presence cradled me in Her lap; I felt as if I had known Her a long time. I felt protected and loved.
I woke at seven, dying of the heat. I remembered having turned the heater to high in order to dry my clothes. It was still dark, and I tried to get up without making a sound so that I wouldn't disturb him.
But as soon as I stood, I could see that he wasn't there.
I started to panic. The Other immediately awoke and said to me, "See? You agreed, and he disappeared. Like all men do."
My panic was increasing by the minute, but I didn't want to lose control. "I'm still here," the Other said. "You allowed the wind to change direction. You opened the door, and now love is flooding your life. If we act quickly, we'll be able to regain control."
I had to be practical, to take precautions.
"He's gone," said the Other. "You have to get away from this place in the middle of nowhere. Your life in Zaragoza is still intact; get back there quickly--before you lose everything you've worked so hard to gain."
He must have had some good reason, I thought.
"Men always have their reasons," said the Other. "But the fact is that they always wind up leaving."
Well, then, I had to figure out how to get back to Spain. I had to keep my wits about me.
"Let's start with the practical problem: money," the Other said.
I didn't have a cent. I would have to go downstairs, call my parents collect, and wait for them to wire me the money for a ticket home.
But it was a holiday, and the money wouldn't arrive until the next day. How would I eat? How would I explain to the owners of the house that they would have to wait for several days for their payment? "Better not to say anything," said the Other.
Right, she was the experienced one. She knew how to handle situations like this. She wasn't the impassioned girl who loses control of herself. She was the woman who always knew what she wanted in life. I should simply stay on there, as if he were expected to return. And when the money arrived, I would pay the bill and leave.
"Very good," said the Other. "You're getting back to how you were before. Don't be sad. One of these days, you'll find another man--one you can love without taking so many risks."
I gathered my clothes from the heater. They were dry. I needed to find out which of the surrounding villages had a bank, make a phone call, take steps. If I thought carefully about all of that, there wouldn't be time for crying or regrets.
Then I saw his note:
I've gone to the seminary. Pack up your things, because we're going back to Spain tonight. I'll be back by late afternoon. I love you.
I clutched the note to my breast, feeling miserable and relieved at the same time. I noticed that the Other had retreated.
I loved him. With every minute that passed, my love was growing and transforming me. I once again had faith in the future, and little by little, I was recovering my faith in God. All because of love.
I will not talk to my own darkness anymore, I promised myself, closing the door on the Other. A fall from the third floor hurts as much as a fall from the hundredth.
If I have to fall, may it be from a high place.
DON'T GO OUT hungry again," said the woman.