“What do you mean?”
She didn’t think being with Pat would trigger her like this. And to be honest, it wasn’t Pat. It was the situation that was triggering her. She wanted him to keep looking at her like she was special. No one had made her feel special in so long, she didn’t want to screw it up by not living up to his expectations. “I just want you to know I’m willing to do anything you need. I don’t want to disappoint you.”
“Disappoint me? Jules, I don’t need you to do anything. I just want to be with you. And if we can’t do that, then we don’t and we move on. Trust me. You can’t disappoint me.”
“I just thought…”
“What? That I needed something extra?” He took her hand and pressed it to his lap. “You’ve already got me, sweetheart. No extra effort necessary.”
Lance was so specific in bed. He had so many strange requests and would often critique her performance afterwards, giving her tips about how she could make it better. What if she was just bad in bed and Lance was actually being incredibly patient all these years?
Her head hurt from thinking, and she pinched the bridge of her nose.
“Hey, we can stop. We can just relax and talk.”
But she wanted to be with him. She just had to be honest with him, even if talking about this mortified her. “I…I don’t know anything aside from the things he taught me, and I’m getting the sense he kept me misinformed on purpose.”
Understanding flashed in his eyes, quickly followed by fury. “I see.” He spoke as if he were afraid to say more.
“Please don’t be mad at me—”
“I’m not mad at you. But if I’m understanding you correctly, I’d like to murder Lance.” He got off the bed and paced. “Without going into too much detail, how much did you learn from him?”
“All of it. My mom thinks it’s a husband’s job to teach his wife, and she refuses to acknowledge that I’m living in sin. And Jo never liked talking about boys. Lance never minded telling me what to do, but… I didn’t care for a lot of the things he liked.”
“I’m imagining some really bad shit right now, Julie. How off do you think I am?”
“I don’t know.”
The muscles in his jaw flexed. “How often did you two…”
“Every day. Sometimes twice a day, but it wasn’t always sex. Most of the time it was me just—”
“Okay.” He held up his hands. “Sorry. I get the picture.” He paced some more. “Was he gentle?”
“Never with that.”
When he exhaled, she heard the shakiness of his breath. He went to the cabinets and pulled down a bottle of wine. Then searched the drawers for a bottle opener. Once he had the bottle uncorked, he drank right from the mouth.
“Here’s what’s gonna happen.” He returned to pacing and he suddenly seemed so much more powerful and intimidating than the little Patrick Clooney she used to know. But strangely, she wasn’t afraid of him. If anything, the bigger and more commanding he appeared the safer he made her feel, like he would only ever use his size and strength to protect her. “I need a few minutes to clear my head. Why don’t you take a shower and relax? There are towels on the shelf.”
“Do you regret bringing me here?”
“No, but I regret ever letting you leave with him.”
“You couldn’t have stopped me. He can be charming.”
“Julie, I can bear a lot, but I can’t bear you defending him. At least not right now.”
She didn’t say it to defend Lance. “I’m only saying that so you don’t think I’m stupid. I’d never get involved with someone who treated me the way he did at his worst. I know he can be a monster at times, but he’s other things, too. I know who he is, and I know he has bad sides, but those aren’t the sides he showed me in the beginning. It’s important to me that you know that.”
He put down the bottle and crossed the cabin, cupping her face and looking her right in the eye. “Listen to me. I know you’re not stupid. Anyone who thinks you are, is an idiot and doesn’t know you. I understand how manipulation works, and I get that he didn’t change overnight. I’d never blame you for being with him. I just wish I could have saved you any suffering he caused. If anything, I blame myself.”
Pat seemed to hold a clearer picture in his mind of the strong-willed girl she used to be than she currently held. Her vision blurred as she smiled at him, truly appreciating his ability to understand how complicated this was for her. He was like a guiding light in a storm. He made her believe she’d eventually find her way back to the person she was.