I shrug my shoulders. “I can’t say I blame her. She said that when I was in jail you were on drugs really bad. She didn’t know what to do for you. She’s afraid if you were still on the outside you would’ve been dead by now, so yeah, I’d say she is happy you’re in here.”
“Can you just be my brother? For once in your life, can you quit trying to teach me something or reprimand me for whatever? Just be my brother.”
There’s so much anger in his voice. I know he blames me for a lot of his life. And I probably am at fault for a lot of things, but not for the reasons he thinks. “Anyway, I needed to come and apologize.”
His eyes finally meet mine. “Sorry, for what? For not coming to see me? Hell, Oz, if I just got out of prison, I wouldn’t want to come and see you behind bars either. You don’t have to apologize, I’m not mad about it.”
But I shake my head. “I’m not sorry for that. I had a lot to deal with. I’ve had a lot of guilt for things, but I have to learn to deal with it. The first thing I want to do is to apologize to you for taking the rap for that drug deal.”
He looks confused. “I don’t understand. What do you mean?”
“I mean, if I’d let you take the fall for it, let you be responsible for your life for once, then maybe you would have learned your lesson. Maybe you wouldn’t have spent the next three years looking for your next fix. You could have gotten your life on track. Instead, I took that from you. I took the blame, and you got yourself into worse trouble. I spent most of my life taking care of you, doing things for you, and that’s probably the worst thing I could have done.”
He stares at me for the longest time, and I wait for him to get up and leave. I know that’s not the apology he was expecting, but I know it’s the one I needed to give. Who knows if his life would have turned around if he had been held responsible for his past mistake? We’ll never know.
He leans forward on the table. “I get you, man. I know what you’re saying. It wasn’t your fault. I know you did it because you love me. I wish I could say I’d do the same for you, but I’m not a good man like you are, Oz.”
I interrupt him. He may have gotten off track, but he’s still a good man. “You are too.”
He shrugs. “We can agree to disagree. But I get what you’re saying. Ma’s worked hard with the attorney. They’re trying to get me out on parole. Part of that is rehab.” He shakes his head. “I haven’t touched dope in three years, but I still am going to rehab when I get out. I’m going to do right, Ozzie. I promise I will.”
I want to trust him so much, but I just don’t know if I can. All I know is I can be here for him, and if he falls again, I’m just going to have to let him pick up the pieces this time. But I know I’ll still be right beside him.
We talk about the pawn shop, the liquor store, and the tattoo shop. I tell him I’m going to start looking for a house, and he talks about using the library and the gym. Our ten minutes have gone by, but the officer still hasn’t come to collect him, so we continue to talk.
“So are you seeing anyone?” he asks me.
I want to tell him about Ginger, but a part of me feels like she’s too innocent to even mention here. “Not really.”
He laughs. “That sounds like a yes, brother.”
“We’re ex-cons, Kyle. There’s no woman crazy enough to deal with that.” But even as I say it, I’m thinking about Ginger and how she doesn’t seem to care about my past. At least what she knows of it.
“Don’t throw your life away because of me, Oz. You think you have guilt and need to apologize? What about me? I’m ate up with it. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about what you did for me.”
I interrupt him. “You didn’t ask me to.”
He shakes his head. “No, but I didn’t stop you either. But my point is, don’t throw your life away. You may have the title of an ex-con, but both of us know that doesn’t define you. That’s not who you are. You’re a man that loved your little brother, that’s it. And some woman will see that and be all right with it.”
I’m quiet for so long he slaps his hand on the table. “What’s her name?”