“It won’t be the same.”
“It won’t. But Jesus… Fuck, Maggie, I have to get out of Mason.”
“Why?” I ask, not understanding this sudden desperation that he’s showing. “You’ve always loved Mason.”
“No, honey. I’ve always loved you.”
The pain. The immense, soul-destroying-heart-breaking pain slams through me. I look down at my own chest, expecting to see a knife sticking in it as the pain threatens to completely destroy me. It’s that physically painful.
Loved.
Why it should hurt to hear Bryant use the word in past tense, I don’t know. We haven’t been more than the occasional bed partner in forever, and that, again, is my fault.
“I see,” I whisper, the sound so quiet that I doubt he can hear me because I can barely hear myself.
“Maggie, honey, look at me.”
When I force my gaze from the floor, he’s knelt down in front of me. His hands are braced on the couch on either side of me and he’s looking directly into my eyes.
“I can’t live here any longer, Maggie. Everywhere I go, there’s you. I’m never going to have a life while I’m still trying to recapture my past.”
“And I’m your past,” I answer, almost feeling numb now.
“That’s your choice, Maggie May. It has always been your choice. You know I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Then, come home,” he says and the frustration on his face fills me with guilt. “Marry me, Maggie. Let’s stop pretending that we don’t belong together when we both know we do.”
His words are a double-edged sword. For so long, we’ve been going on autopilot, living mostly separate lives, but kind of pseudo-dating. After all this time, Bryant is still the only man that I’ve been with. How ironic is it that it’s been over a year since he’s asked me to come home, to be his wife and this time…I want to say yes.
I can’t though. How can I? If it turns out I am sick? How will Bryant see that? Will he think I just came home because I’m scared? Because I want him to take care of me? Is that what’s making it so easy to cave now after all of this time?
“Bryant, we haven’t been in a relationship in—”
“I don’t know what we are or aren’t, Maggie. I know we aren’t normal, but we’ve had a relationship for a lot of years,” he growls. “But if you’re not willing to do more—to be more—then I need to move on.”
“We tried being together, and it failed…epically.”
“Bullshit. It didn’t fail, Maggie. If it failed, then how come after all of this time, I still love you?”
“Bryant…”
“And why do you still love me?”
“Damn it, will you give me time to think? Just stop and—”
“I’m not going to stop, baby. I’ve been quiet long enough. We’ve been in love with each other since we were sixteen—hell, before that. Don’t you think it’s past time we either got it right or moved on?”
“What’s wrong with the way things are?” I ask, but I know. Bryant wants more and if I’m honest, I know I want more, too. The problem is that more never works out for me, and I may not have time to try and make it work now.
I don’t deserve more, and I know that, too. Maybe this is the universe’s way of showing me that all over again.
“Maggie, take a leap of faith. Come home to me and let me prove how good we can be if we are together full time.”
“I can’t, Bryant. I’m not saying never. I’m saying not right now. I can’t put us through that again. I don’t think I could survive it again. I can’t...”
“Then, we’re back to me not understanding and you using my dick, but not loving me enough to keep the rest of me,” he growls standing up.
“That’s not fair,” I cry, feeling scared, alone… and trapped.
“There’s not a damn thing fair about this entire situation, Maggie. Not a damn thing.”
“What do you want from me?” I ask, feeling like I’m losing my best friend. Mostly because I am. Bryant might be my first love, my sometimes lover, the father of my child—children—but he’s also my best friend. I never imagined a time when he wouldn’t be there and now…
Now it feels like that day is fast approaching.
“I want you to try, Maggie. Really try having a relationship with me. Can you do it for me, for you and for our son.”
“Try? What are you talking about, Bryant?”
“I have three weeks before I have to report to my new job, Maggie. You want me to stay?”
“You know I do. I don’t understand—”
“Fine. Then give me the next two weeks to prove to you that you and I can make it work. Two weeks in which you spend every moment with me. I’m home. I’m not going anywhere. You have your ass in my bed every night and we live like we’re really a fucking couple for once.”