Dear Heart, I Hate You

“I know.” He winced. “I know I ruined things, Jules. I acted like a complete idiot. You have no idea how badly I wish I could take it all back.”

“But you can’t,” I snapped.

“No, I can’t. But I want to. I would give anything to rewind time and do it all over again.”

“Yeah? What would you do differently?”

“I wouldn’t leave you. I’d talk to you when I got nervous instead of becoming a stubborn, bullheaded pig. But mostly, I’d never let you get away from me. And I’d do whatever it took to make this work.”

God, could I ever relate to the talking part. There had been things that I was nervous about that I’d never addressed with him. I’d kept those questions inside, locked away, afraid of the answer. I’d been cowardly too. The only difference between us was that I hadn’t run away.

My eyes pricked with the beginnings of tears I didn’t want him to see. Turning my head, I swiped at my eyes quickly and willed them to stay dry. I needed all my strength in these moments with him.

“I have to go, Cal. I appreciate that you’re here, truly.” I grabbed the roses and the pie from the hood and took a step away. “But I have a lot to think about.”

“Can we just start over, please? Let me take you out on dates. We can get to know each other again. I’ll come out here every weekend. I’ll do whatever you want me to. Just tell me what you need from me, Jules. Please tell me what I can do to fix this.”

My arms full, I tried to shrug. “I honestly don’t know. I don’t know how to fix this.”

Cal started to say something else, his mouth opening before he snapped it shut. As I walked up the stairs and away from him, he didn’t try to stop me or ask me to stay.

When he shouted, “I miss my teammate,” I almost tripped over my heart as it fell from my chest. I hesitated for only a second, my steps faltering before I continued through my front door and closed it between us.

Leaning against it for a moment, breathing hard, I had two questions on my mind.

How could Cal erase the space he’d so willingly created between us?

And did I want him to?

Win Her Back

Cal

This wasn’t going to be easy. Not that I’d expected Jules to go easy on me, but I had hoped she would be a little more willing or easier to sway.

Leave it to me to think that way. I had to put myself in her shoes. She wasn’t the type to give away her heart, but she had so quickly opened up and given it to me.

And what had I done with it? I was careless and thoughtless. Instead of treating her like the absolute gift from heaven she was, I treated her as if she were replaceable, someone I could easily get over and never speak to again. It was an immature move on my part, among other things.

How could I take that back? Why wasn’t time travel a real thing yet, so I could stop myself from being a complete and utter idiot?

I scrawled out a quick note, telling Jules I wasn’t giving up and that I’d be back for her later, and slipped it under her windshield wiper. She’d probably throw it in the trash.

I didn’t want to leave, but Malibu was lacking on the hotel front, and I had early morning meetings scheduled in the Hollywood area tomorrow. Even still, I’d have camped out on Jules’s stairs all night long if that was what it took for her to forgive me.

It was probably better that I gave her some space, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. The possessive caveman in me wanted to crowd her, make sure there was no space where I didn’t exist to her, but she’d probably knee me in the balls. Figuratively and literally.

So I begrudgingly drove away in my rental car with no idea where I was going. All I knew was that according to my GPS, Hollywood was much farther away than I remembered.

• • •

My meetings and appointments the next day ended up taking longer than I had anticipated, and I was running late. Not to mention, the Los Angeles traffic was something I could never have prepared for. And the rain seemed to make it all worse. Yes, apparently it did actually rain in Southern California, and everyone who said otherwise was a liar.

Things had gone well today, and even though I was being a bit presumptuous in what I’d accomplished, I didn’t care. I was convinced that I had made the right decision, and I’d wait however long it took for Jules to feel the same way. I wasn’t going anywhere ever again, and she needed to know that.

By the time I reached Malibu that night, it was well past seven. I considered giving her an extra day to think over everything, but I couldn’t do it. Staying away from her was the exact opposite of my intentions.

I punched in the code at the gate, which I’d memorized from my first visit here, and pulled inside the complex. I breathed out in relief at the sight of her car. Thankful she was home, I parked my car and hopped out. As I took the steps two at a time up to her door, I knocked on it before I froze at the realization that she might not be alone.