Dear Heart, I Hate You

I hadn’t even asked if she was seeing anyone, had I? Discomfort surged through me as I realized I couldn’t remember. Shit. This was the one time in my life I hadn’t thought through every single detail, and I swore it might kill me. With no other choice at this point, I held my breath and waited for her to answer.

When I heard the sound of her walking across the floor, I started breathing again. The door creaked as she leaned against it before she barely pulled it open. She must have checked to see who was there through the peephole.

“I thought you’d gone back home,” she said, her tone cool.

She had to know better than that. “I told you I wasn’t leaving.”

“You’ve said a lot of things.” Her long blond hair fell in front of her eyes, and I had to fight my instincts to run my fingers through it.

“Can I come in?” When she hesitated, staring at me, I said, “Please?”

She closed her eyes briefly before pulling the door open all the way and stepping back to let me in. I looked around at her place, thankful to be a part of it again, even if it was only for the moment.

r /> I headed toward the couch in her living room, hoping she wouldn’t argue. “Can I sit?”

She nodded instead of speaking, making me wonder what was going on in that pretty head of hers.

“Have you thought about what I said last night?”

Her green eyes met mine and locked on. I figured she’d look away, but she didn’t. Pulling out one of her bar stools, she sat down, her gaze still focused on mine.

“It’s all I’ve been able to think about.” Even when she hated me, she couldn’t stop being emotionally honest with her thoughts.

“And?”

“And I still don’t know what to do.”

She was stubborn, maybe even more so than I had been. I didn’t blame her for it; it was just killing me to sit there and accept it.

“How do you feel?” I asked, emphasizing the emotion in our situation. “What does your heart say? Right now, in this moment, what is your heart telling you to do?”

Yes, I was pushing her, but I had to. I needed to break through.

“My heart’s on a time-out,” she answered, her tone indifferent, but I knew better.

“A time-out?” I chuckled at her response.

“Yeah. It can’t be trusted when it comes to you.”

I bit back a smile at that. Jules still had feelings for me, whether she said it out loud or not. It was a small victory and I’d take it, but it wasn’t enough. Not yet.

“Do you know what my heart says?”

She fidgeted, crossing and uncrossing her legs. “How could I possibly know that?”

Pushing up from the couch, I started pacing back and forth, trying my damnedest to put my feelings into words.

Without thinking, I blurted, “I love you, Jules.” Hell, I hadn’t planned on telling her like that. At least not yet. “I’m in love with you.” Jesus, I couldn’t stop myself.

Instead of the smile that I half expected to cover her face, I was met with a scowl. I’d told the girl I loved her, and she was sitting there scowling at me. Could I do nothing right when it came to her?

“Your words. They were always pretty, but your actions were ugly. I don’t know how to believe that you mean the things you say to me. And I want to, Cal, I do want to believe you. I just don’t know how.”

“I know you don’t. I can’t imagine how I must have made you feel.”

“Like a fool. I felt like a fool.”

I took a tentative step toward her, her response like a stab to my gut. “Why?” I asked, absolutely hating her answer and that I was the one who made her feel that way.