Dear Heart, I Hate You

“Hey,” she answered. “I have court in thirty-five. What’s up?”

“He’s here.”

“He, who? What are you—” She stopped and made a weird sound that reflected exactly how I currently felt inside, twisted up and short of breath. “Cal? He’s where?”

“He was at my apartment just now.”

My heart raced inside my chest. My emotions were spinning like a roulette wheel, not knowing which one to land on. I felt so many things all at once; too many, in fact.

“Holy shit, Jules. What did he say? How did he look? How do you feel?”

I tried to suck in a deep breath, but my lungs failed me. “I don’t know. He said he was sorry. He l

ooked really good, which is beyond irritating, to be honest.”

She whistled into the phone. “I bet. And you?”

“I’m a mess.”

“How did you feel when you first saw him?” she asked in her lawyer voice, as if I were a client up for questioning against the opposition later. Hell, maybe I was.

I settled my mind, searching for the answer. “I was confused at first, you know? Like my brain couldn’t comprehend how he was standing in front of me when he was supposed to be on the other side of the country.”

“It’s Wednesday. What the hell is he doing here on a Wednesday?”

Good question. I hadn’t even thought about the fact that he was all the way out here during the middle of a work week.

“I don’t know. That is weird, though.”

“It is. We’ll come back to that. So your head was confused; I get that. But how did your heart feel?”

“Like it grew a thousand sizes in that first second. Him being here . . . it’s what I wanted for so long.”

“And now?” she asked, and a tapping sound filtered through our connection. Tapping her pen against her desk, probably.

“I’d just given up hope of it ever happening. I’d accepted our fate.”

“But you still have feelings for him, don’t you?” she asked through the sound of a pen scratching against paper.

“I honestly thought I didn’t,” I said as I slowed my car to a stop on the highway.

“But seeing him changed that?” The pen stopped scrawling, telling me she was focused on my answer.

I navigated around some traffic once the light turned green before taking a right. “Definitely. Seeing him made me realize how much I’d been lying to myself.”

“You weren’t lying, Jules. You had no other choice.”

“Thank you.” Her words made me feel marginally better. “So, what the hell do I do?”

“I have no idea. Just don’t give in too easily. I mean, if you want to forgive him, make him work for it. Don’t forget how heartbroken you were when he disappeared.”

“I could never.” I couldn’t forget the way his leaving made me feel if I tried. All I knew was that I never wanted to experience that kind of pain again. “I could never forget that.”

“I’m sorry, Jules, but I need to go. I’ll call you later and check in. Love you, and good luck,” Tami said before ending our call.

Pulling my car through the privacy gate and onto the stunning ocean-front property I was scheduled to show, I sat for a minute longer, my brain reeling, until my heart rate finally returned to normal.

I would get through today, hopefully sell a house, and deal with Cal later. He could not be my priority today. I sure as hell hadn’t been his in weeks.