“Maybe that’s exactly why he didn’t ask.”
“Or maybe he was happy to see me go?” I said it like a question, but the words tasted wrong in my mouth. My heart knew they were lies, but my bitter mind wanted them said anyway.
Rachel laughed. “You’re being stupid.”
“I know. How’s Trevor? Tell me something good, please, and not Nick-related.”
“He’s great. I’ve got nothing to report except we’re really happy. It’s sick, right?”
“No, it’s sweet. You deserve it.”
“Thanks, chica.”
“It’s true,” I said through a yawn. “Hey, did you ever give Nick back the poker chip?”
I’d pretended to have forgotten about Nick’s gift, but the truth was that that poker chip was on my mind almost as much as he was. What had it meant? Why had he given it to me?
She let out an uncomfortable laugh. “Not yet. I haven’t seen him since he started working for his dad. But I will, okay?”
“Okay. Maybe wait until I move up north so that I’m really far away when he gets pissed off about getting it back,” I suggested, hoping that the additional distance would lessen whatever reaction Nick had about it. If he had a reaction at all.
“I probably won’t see him before you leave anyway, but I’ll wait.”
“Thanks.”
“You’ll be okay, Jess. You know that, right?” Rachel’s tone softened as she lowered the protective wall she always maintained, allowing her sensitive side to come through.
“I do know that. Honestly, I think I’ve been doing okay considering I feel like my heart beats in broken pieces now.” A piece of my heart felt like it had lodged in my throat, and I was thankful to be alone and having this conversation on the phone instead of in person.
“You’ve been doing more than okay. You’ve been really great. I just know you’re hurting, even if you don’t say it all the time. I know what Nick did really messed with you, and I’m sorry. I wish I knew what he was thinking or why he did it.”
“He told me what he was thinking and why he did it, Rach. He was thinking that I wasn’t worth staying faithful for, that he could never date someone long-distance. He spelled it out for me. I don’t know what more you think there is to know.”
She groaned. “You know I think that’s all bullshit. Every word of it.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter,” I said with attitude. Because it didn’t. What Rachel thought, what I thought, none of it made a difference if Nick refused to change his mind.
“You’re right. I just want to see you happy again. Maybe you’ll meet someone super hot at your new school.”
“I think I’m done with guys for a while.” I let out a small giggle.
“Ha! And that’s when you find one. What will Nick do if he finds out you’re dating someone? Oh my God, I can’t even imagine. It’s going to be epic.”
I groaned, wondering when every single thing would stop revolving around Nick, or be associated with him. “First of all, I’m nowhere near ready for that. I really just want to focus on my classes.”
It was true. I did want to focus on my classes, to make contacts and hopefully score an incredible internship this semester. But even more true was the fact that my heart wasn’t ready to date, and neither was the rest of me. I wasn’t over Nick, and I wasn’t sure when I would be. Dating someone new hadn’t even factored into my mind until Rachel brought it up.
“Okay. Shit, Trevor’s here. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Night. Tell him I said hi.”
Once we’d hung up, I dropped my phone on the bed and allowed myself to be flooded with emotions.
I was excited to move to a brand-new place where I didn’t know anyone.
I was terrified to leave everyone I’d ever known for a brand-new place where I didn’t know anyone.
But mostly I felt sad and confused, and my heart ached in all the places where Nick had once lived. Apparently he’d permeated every part of me, because I currently hurt all over.