I whispered, watching as he tossed the box on the bed with disgust. I felt like such an asshole. Since Christmas I had been struggling with my own fears of long-term commitment and starting our ever after together. Now I felt nothing but waves of crushing pain and fear that I would never get that proposal from him.
"What a joke, right? I actually thought we were ready for the next step," he said, laughing harshly. "Remember at Thanksgiving when we talked about it? I said maybe in the future? While you've been gone I realized my life was incomplete without you. I wanted maybe in the future to be definitely now. I guess I was the only one."
I scooted back against the dresser, pulling my knees up to my chest to shield myself. Earlier I thought I had suffered all the pain I could handle. Now I was on the verge of losing the man I was supposed to spend forever with. How do you possibly get over that?
Chapter 19
I opened my eyes and sat up abruptly, spotting the digital clock on the bedside table that read 2:01 a.m. I was still on the floor, but I had a blanket pulled over me. I stretched my legs out, feeling stiff and slightly numb in my toes. Alec sat on the bed, looking like he hadn't moved in hours. "When did I fall asleep?"
"When we stopped talking. You drifted off, so I covered you up."
"Oh thanks." I wasn't sure if it was a good or bad sign that he was still here. We seemed to be at a stalemate. Maybe we both knew it was over but neither could say the words. That should have given me hope. Something to grasp, but I knew it was only a matter of time. Betrayal was that way.
"Just tell me the truth. Do you have feelings for him?" Alec abruptly asked as the clock moved to 2:03.
I jumped at the sudden sound of his voice in the quiet room.
"Alec. How many times do I have to say it? Absolutely not."
"He wants to fuck you."
After feeling shell shocked when I got back to the room earlier, I was now starting to become frustrated about answering the same question over and over again. "I don't want to fuck him," I finally stated sternly.
He looked taken aback. "You kissed him, and you had every intention of doing more. You were under the impression I was sticking it to Candace, and you took that as a green light." His words were true, but he was spinning them in a way to make it seem like he had done nothing wrong.
"Let's talk about you and Candace for a second. You expect me to believe things haven't changed between you two while I've been gone? You've been all up in her ass since I left." Finally it was my turn to express all the insecurities I had been feeling.
"She's the mother of my child. Of course I'm going to see her."
"Yeah, but multiple times a week? And coincidentally after I'm out of town. Anything else that needed fixing besides her shower? Oh wait. She also needed someone to taste her recipes. How convenient. You don't think I can see what's going on? She's trying to drag you back into her life."
He shook his head, denying my claims. "It's not like that."
"Really? Then tell me how many times she invited you over for dinner before I left? None, right? Greg may want to fuck me, but don't think Candace isn't looking for a husband."
The look on his face said everything. I knew I wasn't crazy.
"That's where we're different. Even if Candace has developed feelings for me, I would never act on them."
"Oh bullshit, Mr. High and Mighty. What if you believed I was in the shower with Greg?"
He looked disgusted at my question. "Revenge sex isn't my thing."
"Whatever." Just like that, all the wind left my sails. No matter how you diced it, I was still the cheater. I had my test and failed. Now I would pay the consequences.
We lapsed back into silence. The minutes moved by—2:21, 2:32, 3:01. I watched them come and go. By 4:39 am, I realized what I needed to do. It was my fault all of this had started. It only seemed fair that I end it. Alec could not seem to say the words, but his intent was clear.
I formed the words in my mind, trying them out. My tongue was swaddled in cotton, refusing to cooperate. The clock moved to 5:02 a.m. and I finally blurted them out.
"It's over." The finality stomped my heart with steel-toed boots. I expected the words to set him free. To finally acknowledge why he was here. I had given him his opportunity to leave. He stretched out on the bed, lying back against the pillows with his arm over his eyes. The movement was my undoing. I tossed the blanket off my lap and climbed up on the bed next to him. He flinched when I placed my arm around his waist, but he didn't pull away. I could feel him shuddering slightly beneath my arm. Pressing myself closer until my face rested against his side, I could no longer hold back the tears I'd been fighting all night.
This would be our goodbye.
Neither of us moved, even when my tears soaked the side of his shirt. Eventually the long night caught up to both of us. Alec was the first to drift off. I could feel the tension leave his body as he succumbed to sleep. I lifted my head and watched him until my eyes became heavy with fatigue and closed on their own.
I remembered nothing after falling asleep. I had always been a big dreamer when I slept, but most of the time couldn't remember much the next morning. Unlike the nightmares I had been having lately, I now felt at ease. A gentle touch stroking my back provided the sweetest of sensations. My eyes fluttered open and I found myself tucked against Alec's chest.
I closed my eyes again, feigning sleep as his hand continued in a gentle motion up and down the length of my back. His intention seemed to be more relaxing than sexual, but each pass ignited a fire inside me. My body always responded to him. What had been missing from a kiss with Greg could flare up from the simplest of touches from Alec.