“I’ve seen a few babies born out on calls, but I haven’t actually delivered one myself. It’s definitely a life-changing moment.”
“That’s pretty awesome. I guess I assumed you only handled bad calls.”
“Actually, most of them aren’t life-or-death situations. For the most part, people just need our assistance, like a grandma who fell and broke a hip, or a kid who tried to fly out of a tree and broke his leg. One time we had a little girl who had an asthma attack and her mom didn’t have an inhaler.”
“So you really are like a hero,” she joked.
“Hell yeah. You’re looking at Batman right here,” I said, flexing a muscle.
“And so modest. Where are we going, by the way?” She looked out her window, taking in the surroundings as we passed.
“Well, I figured the movie was out. To tell you the truth, for a while I was just driving around without taking you home, hoping I could get you to talk to me. I thought now we could walk on the beach a little. It’s such a nice day. It should be pretty pleasant,” I said, heading toward my favorite beach spot. It was more of a private beach access, farther down the coastline from the large hotels, so it was hardly ever crowded. “Is that cool?” We approached a secluded parking lot that not many people knew about. I found out about it from a friend who works beach patrol.
“Yeah, it’s just been a while since I’ve been to the beach.” She climbed tentatively from the car after I parked. The breeze off the ocean whipped her hair around her face until she gathered it in her hand behind her head. She studied the long expansion of sand that led to the water.
“Are you okay? We can go somewhere else. I figured after everything that happened today, you could use a little space.”
“No, this is okay,” she said, removing her shoes before stepping onto the sand. Her cane sank slightly as she probed for harder ground. That was why she’d been hesitant about the beach. She didn’t know how to tell me I was a dumb-ass. I moved to her side with the intention of scooping her into my arms when she held up a hand to stop me.
“I just need to get to the hard-packed sand. Can you help me get there?” she asked, holding out her free hand.
She stumbled slightly a time or two, but with my firm grip on her hand, we made it out of the soft sand without falling. I expected the proud look she had on her face when she had navigated the stairs at the arena, but instead, she looked troubled and wasn’t saying much.
I was dying to know what she was thinking, but Mac was like listening to a for
eign language without a translator. I was clueless.
“Did you know we came to the beach graduation night?” she asked, breaking the silence.
I shook my head. Now I understood.
She moved to a dry spot in the sand and I helped her lower herself down so she could watch the waves roll in. I joined her, draping my hoodie over her shoulders when I noticed her shivering slightly in the breeze. She reached down for a handful of sand, letting it drift away in the wind.
“You know what sucks the most? It’s going to sound completely selfish and totally bitchy . . .” She paused, grabbing another handful of sand. I waited patiently for her to continue. Despite myself, I was curious about her life before the accident. “The part that sucks the most is I’m tired of being sad. I’m also fucking sick of all the firsts. We used to come to the beach all the time. Especially after Zach got his license. Almost every Saturday or Sunday, we’d load up in that Suburban and stay there all day. It was where we could let loose, you know?” She paused to toss a seashell into the waves that rolled in and out with the tide. “Graduation night we went to the beach to celebrate. It was part of an agenda we’d made months before. Graduation night was supposed to be perfect.”
I continued to listen without commenting, placing an arm around her shoulders.
“I’m so damn sick of being sad,” she repeated, nestling close to me.
“I know.” There were no words that would take away what she was feeling. Grief was a greedy bastard. I felt hopeless listening to her talk. In spite of what she had said in the car earlier, I wanted to protect her from harm, but she was facing a monster I couldn’t save her from. Instead, I was forced to sit at her side while it ripped out my guts.
“I’m sorry I brought you here. I didn’t mean to bring up painful memories,” I whispered after she fell silent.
“I’m not. I’ve wanted to come for a while. I can’t believe it’s been over a year. A year of missing the sound of the hard rolling waves during high tide, a year of missing the scent of the briny sea air, the way the cool sand feels after the sun goes down,” she said, digging her toes in the sand. “I can’t believe it’s been over a year,” she repeated.
twenty
Mac
I had really been caught off guard today. Not only by Allie during lunch, but coming here to the beach also. The reason I’d made such an effort over the past year and a half to keep myself away was to avoid these moments. My fear now, having Bentley in my life, was that it seemed he was always seeing me at my worst. I couldn’t help wondering if he felt like he was my rebound relationship—the one that put in all the work picking up the pieces, being the shoulder to cry on, listening through every bad memory, only to lose out when the next great guy swooped in and collected the reward.
Of course, I wasn’t damaged from a normal breakup. Bentley was seeing the fallout from five lost relationships. My friends and I had been the type of close-knit group that was supposed to endure forever. If Bentley was smart, he’d flee while he could, or at least call the professionals for a straitjacket. Fortunately for me, Bentley was one of the good guys. If he wanted to run, he would have done it already.
We sat side by side with our eyes closed, listening to the incoming waves. My sadness was replaced with contentment. That was what being in Bentley’s arms provided. Taking the opportunity to finally look at our surroundings, I noticed that we were the only people around. The spot where we sat was hidden out of sight from the few scattered houses that lined the beach. It was like our own small secluded island.
“Are you warm enough?” he asked when I shifted closer to him.
“Yes. The sun feels good with the breeze,” I answered, tilting my face to his. The bright sun shined in my eyes just enough so that it was difficult to make out his features. His hard jawline cast a small shadow on his shoulder. Just beyond that were the dimples that drew me to his face from the instant I first laid eyes on them. He shifted his head to shield my straining eyes from the sun. Using my jeans to brush the sand from my hand, I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair, pulling him closer. He accepted the invitation, pressing his lips softly to mine. The tenderness threatened to turn me to mush, but right now I didn’t want softness. I wanted hard and rough. I wanted it to be real, to erase the demons from earlier.