Zach flinched at the mention of Tracey’s name, but his eyes remained fixated on the floor.
“Sure, it would have been tough to handle at first, but if it was over between us, you should have said something. You should have ended it. How do you think it made me feel to find out I had been a roadblock between you and Tracey? I know you thought you were doing the right thing, like maybe you were sparing my feelings or something, but then you had the nerve to get so mad in the hospital and accuse me of being happy that Tracey was gone.” I felt a lump in my throat, but I swallowed hard. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry today.
“I didn’t deserve that. We both lost people we loved that night. Tracey was my best friend. I know you’ve suffered a great deal. You’re facing a life now that you hadn’t counted on, but that doesn’t mean we abandon each other. Not after everything we’ve been through together.”
I placed my hand on his. He still didn’t move, still never looked up from the floor. If any part of the old Zach I once knew still existed, I knew he would understand. “Zach, regardless of everything that has happened, I want you to know I forgive you. And I expect you to forgive me.” I squeezed his hand and stood up from my chair. The only acknowledgment he would provide was that he didn’t turn away from me when I bent over and hugged him like I had wanted to so many months ago. He didn’t return the hug, but I hadn’t expected him to. Simply listening was a start. Before I left, I handed him the box I’d brought with me, hoping it would give him a push in the right direction.
Janet hugged me tightly before I left, makin
g me promise I’d visit her again soon. I had no problem making the promise. I would be back for another visit, and another one after that, and another one after that. I let Zach push me away once before, but I would not abandon him. I found a new level of resolve during the visit, facing the evidence of what I did not want to become. Zach was bitter and angry at the world. Today I had taken one more step that would help me finally find closure. The end of my journey was so close that I could practically taste it. In contrast, Zach’s defiance indicated he hadn’t started his journey yet. He was stuck at the beginning.
twenty-three
Bentley
The holidays seemed to bring out the crazy in everyone. I lost count of how many calls Steve and I took over the weekend. I figured I would have missed all the deep fryer attempts gone wrong by not actually working on Thanksgiving Day, but it seemed people got drunk over the weekend and continued frying more than just turkeys. We treated so many burns I was convinced I’d never get the smell off me. Some of these people were lucky they didn’t burn down their houses.
The only good thing about the busy weekend was that I didn’t have much time to think about Mac, or more accurately, what had transpired on the beach. It was a good thing since just the mental picture of what we did was enough to give me a case of blue balls, and there was no way I could work like that. Steve would be wondering if something was wrong with me if I had to go to the restroom too many times to take things into my own hands.
After some arranging and a few threats, I was able to secure the apartment for myself on Monday night. I even managed to bribe Michael and Chad into helping me clean the place. Both grumbled, claiming I was acting like our parents were visiting. They were both smart enough to know what I was hoping tonight would lead to, but that didn’t stop them from giving me shit about it all day. They thought they were being hilarious by hiding condoms all over the apartment that Mac was bound to find. Only after I threatened bodily harm to them and Sherman did they collect them all.
The place looked pretty spic and span by the time we were done. I thought I was ready until an unexpected case of nerves hit me as I drove to Mac’s dorm. Tonight could go two ways. I could get Mac to my apartment, where she would see the obvious seduction attempt and freak out, demanding I take her home, or it would go my way and lead to an obviously happy ending. I regretted my decision to wait until I picked her up to tell her we had the apartment to ourselves. A little warning would have probably been the smarter course of action. I was acting about as suave as a fourteen-year-old who had just scored his first Playboy magazine. Mac certainly wasn’t going to be the first girl I’d ever slept with, but she definitely felt like the most important.
twenty-four
Mac
Monday, when I arrived back on campus after the short Thanksgiving break, it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. Bentley and I had a date planned for that evening, and I found it difficult to focus from the anticipation of seeing him again. I even skipped my last class so I could put in extra time getting ready. I had never seduced anyone, and I didn’t want to look like a total amateur.
My decision to wear a dress was the toughest part. As a rule, I never wore anything but pants in order to cover my scars from sight. I knew my leg was unsightly, and figured I was sparing everyone the need to stare. The only problem was I wanted Bentley to see me dressed up. Dresses had a way of making a girl feel pretty. At least they had for me in the past. Trina was a big help in talking me into forgetting what I was seeing in the mirror and trusting that I looked good. She also stepped in when I tried unsuccessfully to do something different with my hair. I was about ready to throw the brush across the room in a fit of frustration when she stopped me. How she did it, I have no idea, but somehow she was able to get my hair pulled up in a sophisticated knot that looked extremely elegant. When my hair was fixed to her satisfaction, she offered to do my makeup.
“Thank you, Trina. I love it,” I commented, looking at my reflection in the mirror. “I haven’t felt this pretty in a long time.” I surprised us both by reaching out to hug her, which she happily accepted.
“You’re this pretty all the time. I should hate anyone who can look so good with such little effort,” she joked, winking at my reflection.
“Shut up. You’ve obviously been smoking something, because I’d gladly trade everything for those long legs and pouty lips.” I hadn’t said anything before, but I’d been envious of her since we met.
“Well, give me your boobs and freaking ass any day of the week. Wait. That sounded different in my head. Now it just sounds like I’m hitting on you.”
“Well, I suspected you swung from the other side of the monkey bars.” I laughed.
“After the last douche I dated, being a lesbian might actually be promising.”
“That bad?” I asked, grabbing my purse.
“Just put it this way, he makes guys on some reality shows look good.”
“Oh Lord. That’s never a good thing.”
“Tell me about it. I’m beginning to think all college guys are assholes. At least all the ones at this school.”
A sudden idea occurred to me. “I might know a guy. He’s definitely not an asshole.”
“What does that mean? Is he a freak of nature or something?”
“Well, he does have his quirks.” I had Chad in mind, but the more I talked, the less convinced I was that he was right for Trina.
“What quirks?” Some of her enthusiasm drained away.