I shook my head profusely in disagreement. “That’s not true. You would have had Leah. Don’t you see? Leah would have been the perfect sister, the perfect friend. I’m just the sad replacement.” I felt moisture dripping down my cheeks. I reached up tentatively with my finger to touch the tears. I never cried. Crying was a weakness that I wouldn’t allow myself. Crying would not bring Leah back. All it would do was reopen wounds that had never properly healed. After Leah was taken I wanted to cry so bad I felt like my chest would collapse from repressing my tears. I would lie in bed, biting my hand until the pressure would ease in my chest and I was able to breathe again. The crescent-shaped teeth marks on the backs of my hands held little significance other than as a means to suppress my other pain.
“Mia, I couldn’t have made it without you. I miss Leah, of course, but you kept me going.”
There was no mistaking the pain in Jacob’s voice. I was the w
orst kind of selfish. The kind that kept me preoccupied with my own concerns while those I cared about suffered. I wasn’t the only one who had lost Leah or a life that used to be. Jacob was a casualty too.
I reached over to pat his hand. The rag around my palm unraveled and dropped to the floor. My hand was still seeping blood slightly, but it was less vibrant. I knew the cut should hurt, but I could hardly feel it. I’d been blessed, or cursed, depending on your point of view, with a high tolerance for pain. Even when I used to bite my hand at night, the resulting soreness was slow to come.
“Jacob, I’m sorry. You’re always so upbeat that I sometimes forget I’m not the only one who lost Leah.”
He shrugged it off, but I could plainly see what I’d missed so many times before. “It’s not like I was her twin and shared any connection like you two or anything. It just sucks. You know?” he said.
I nodded, wondering why this was the first time we had ever talked this openly. For the past ten years Leah’s name had been taboo in our house. At times it was as if she never existed. That was why I started my journal in the first place. I needed the constant reminder of the piece of me that had been taken. Looking at Jacob, I realized my family and I had done a huge injustice by not talking about Leah. Not only to ourselves, but more important, to Leah as well. It was up to us to keep her memory alive.
Jacob and I leaned against each other. Both lost in our own thoughts, the silence swelled between us. “Do you think I’m going crazy?” I finally asked.
Jacob smiled wryly. “I think we’re all a little bit crazy. Some of us are just better at hiding it. Do I think you’re crazy because you’re seeing dark, oppressive monsters?”
“One monster. Really, it’s not a monster, I just think of it that way,” I interjected.
He chuckled. “Sorry. One monster that’s really not a monster. The point is, no, I don’t think you’re crazy. As a matter of fact, you might be the sanest person I know. I’m more worried about what could be physically wrong inside that skull of yours.”
I dropped my head onto his shoulder. “So, you do think my brain is malfunctioning?” I asked, wondering if he could be right. Maybe this was all some elaborate hallucination my brain had conjured up because of a tumor that was slowly devouring my brain.
“I don’t know, sis, but I think you should tell our parental units. If you don’t, I will. It’s one thing to keep something like bad grades or whatever from them, but this is something completely different.”
I sighed. I knew he was right. It was something I probably should have done two months ago when the darkness first started following me. It just wasn’t the kind of information I liked to share with them. Usually our conversations revolved around my accomplishments at school. We never discussed anything negative, and if we did, Jacob would step in and change the subject.
“I’ll tell them. Not now though, okay?”
He cocked an eyebrow at me. “When?”
“Soon. Let’s get through the holidays first. Christmas is only a few days away.”
He didn’t argue, but he looked unsettled, like he wanted to continue pressing me. I knew he’d honor my wishes. Holidays were tough in our house. The first year after Leah was taken, we didn’t even celebrate. Christmas came and went without a tree, lights, Santa Claus, or presents. Jacob, of course, took matters into his own hands. He snuck into my room early that Christmas morning and left me a small present on my bed. It was his favorite Green Lantern ring. The ring he had gotten the previous Christmas when we were all still a complete family. He loved that ring. I tried to give it back, but he wouldn’t take it. He told me the ring would protect me. Taking his words to heart, I slid the ring on my finger. It was too big, but I still almost believed I could feel its power. I wondered what Jacob would say if he knew I still slept with it under my pillow.
12
LEAH
I NOW hated the dark, despised it for betraying me. For so long I loved it. I had come to truly think of it as a friend. I knew it made no sense. It was one thing to regard an inanimate object as a friend, like my doll, Daisy, but a whole other to give that title to something without substance, like the absence of light. I no longer cared. The darkness and I had an agreement and now it was no longer helping me. It was everywhere, and yet it refused to comfort me in the slightest or even let in the smallest traces of light.
I’d lost track of how long it had been since Mother came to check on me. I was weak from hunger and my throat was as rough as sandpaper. I even stopped daydreaming about food. My desire was gone. Everything inside me had started to give up. My body was broken and I was dying. I knew it with every fiber inside me. Why Mother had saved me so long ago only to let me rot away was beyond me. The urge I had felt to apologize had passed along with any feelings of rage. I just wanted death to hurry.
I curled up into a ball around the chain that bound me to the bed. It was the only comfortable position that allowed me some measure of warmth. The basement wasn’t freezing, but the temperatures had dropped recently and my thin blanket was no longer sufficient.
I kept my head tucked under my arm with my eyes tightly closed. Sleep needed to be under my terms. It was silly, but it felt good to have a small measure of control. I wondered if this is what it felt like to be delirious. It wouldn’t be that big of a stretch considering what I was going through. Sleep crept up on me to the point where I could no longer resist. My last coherent thought before falling under was of Mia. For years, I believed I would one day see her again, but I now realized that had been a dream. Mia and I would be forever separated.
13
MIA
JACOB RELUCTANTLY agreed, although under extreme protest, to wait until after Christmas to tell Mom and Dad the truth. Of course, I neglected to tell him that things were escalating.
The darkness was becoming more consuming, tormenting me everywhere I turned. Ignoring it at school had become damn near impossible; it had managed to fracture every relationship I had. My grades were all slipping and Christmas break was my only chance of catching up.
Jacob must have sensed how I was feeling, or maybe he was as scared as I was. The day after I spilled my guts to him, he woke up at the crack of dawn, hell-bent on torturing me. Before I could fully open my eyes, he dragged me from bed telling me to get my ass in gear, that we were wasting the day away. I was hustled out of the house with hardly enough time to pull jeans and a sweatshirt on. Let alone make my hair presentable.