“Four or five, I think. You seriously don’t remember? You got sick the first night on the ship and puked everywhere. I think Mom was tempted to throw you overboard. The staff felt so bad for you they gave you a big stuffed Goofy. I was totally jealous.”
“Ha, you’re so funny.” His words though triggered something in my subconscious and a memory I had long forgotten slowly unraveled. The more I thought about it, the more I did remember throwing up all over the stairwell. And the Goofy stuffed animal. I remember it was almost as tall as I was. I dragged it everywhere I went, insisting that he get his own seat during dinner. More memories flooded my mind. I could recall the waterslide that flowed into a pool in the shape of Mickey Mouse’s head. The memories were faint, but at least they were there. “I do remember it. Didn’t you lose your swimsuit on the slide?” I asked, laughing.
He groaned. “Of course you’d remember that part.”
I grinned. “What other trips did we take?”
“We went to Yellowstone once, but we were both too little to remember much there. Mom has a whole photo album of pictures if you want to look at them.”
I scratched a fingernail across my leg. I had avoided all our family albums since coming home. Mom tried to get me to look at them, thinking a glimpse into my childhood before Judy intervened would help jog my memories, but I couldn’t bring myself to see the images of a past that was taken from me. “What trips did
you take after?” I asked, ignoring Jacob’s suggestion.
He gripped the steering wheel hard for a moment before answering. “We really only went on one and it was pretty much a disaster. Mom refused to leave the state, so we went to some local resort. I don’t even remember the name. Mom and Dad spent the whole time fighting while I tried to ignore them by pretending I was digging a hole to China in the sand. I wanted to escape their endless fighting once and for all. Dad moved out as soon as we got home so I guess I got my wish,” he said, smiling dryly.
“What were they fighting over?” Like I had to ask. Me. It was always me.
Jacob didn’t answer right away. He pulled into our driveway, but neither of us climbed from the car. “Dad wanted us to take a real vacation. He was pissed though that Mom refused to leave the state. She was convinced that the moment we left we would get the call that you had been found. She never wanted to be more than one tank of gas away. Dad told her she needed to let you go, but she refused. He moved out as soon as we got home and checked out of our lives almost completely. He tries to make lame-ass, halfhearted attempts during the holidays, but it never feels genuine. He will always be a total asshole in my book. Your time in the hospital was the most I’d seen him in the last five years, so don’t go blaming yourself.”
I nodded. Since being home I had come to understand Mom’s complete devotion to Jacob and me. At times it felt overbearing, but I could also appreciate that she was terrified of losing me again. “I’m sorry you were left to handle the fallout.”
“I’m sorry you were left to suffer,” he said, squeezing my hand.
“It wasn’t that bad,” I answered. “I missed you, Jacob. More than you’ll ever know.”
“I missed you too, sis. You don’t have to cover for what that woman did though. We all know she deserves to rot in hell.” His words were angry, dripping with hate. “I hope they lock her away for the rest of her life and she gets what she deserves in prison.” He pounded on the steering wheel for emphasis.
I avoided his words by climbing out of the car. I knew he hated Judy. He’d made no secret of it. Mom hated her. The whole world seemed to hate her. I guess I should hate her too. I wanted to ask about her, but knew that wouldn’t go over well. I couldn’t help wondering where she was at the moment. I knew she was in jail but I had no idea where. Was she sleeping on a cot much like the one I slept on for the last ten years? Did she think of me? Was she sorry? I wondered what I would say to her if I were ever given the chance. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I had the nerve to face her.
31
I WOKE up on the first day of spring feeling slightly lethargic. You would think I’d have been excited. After all, it was the last day of school before spring break and soon my family and I would be at the beach. I just needed to power through one more day in hell.
“Hey, sweetie, you okay?” Mom asked when I dragged myself into the kitchen for breakfast. “You look peaked.”
I shrugged, popping two slices of bread into the toaster.
“I think when we return from the beach we’ll schedule an appointment with your counselor at school,” she said, taking a sip of her coffee.
“Why?” I asked dully, wishing we didn’t have to talk about school so early in the morning.
She smiled, setting her cup in the sink and placing an arm across my shoulders. “Dr. Marshall and I were talking, and we think maybe you should do some of your classes from home.”
“Really?”
“I looked into it and you’ll still have to go to the campus for three classes a day in order to fulfill the state requirements, but the remaining four classes you can do at home. That way you’ll still get some interaction with other students, but maybe then you’ll have a chance to adjust to things easier.”
It sounded perfect to me. I mean, not going at all would have been ideal, but I would take whatever I could get. I threw my arms around her impulsively and gave her a tight hug. “Thank you, thank you.”
“I’m taking it you told her,” Jacob said, walking into the kitchen.
“You knew?” I shoved on his shoulder for keeping it from me.
“Maybe now you’ll stop moping around.”
“I don’t mope.” I protested even though I knew he was right. Finding an excuse to show enthusiasm for school had become a chore. If not for my few friends, it would have been unbearable. I’m sure a break was just what I needed. Eventually, I would become old news and could blend in like any other kid.
“You know, we could have tried making some kind of arrangement so you could have eaten lunch with me and Kevin,” Jacob offered.