The crowd in the bleachers remained relentless in their support of our team. With all the yelling and high-fiving going on, it was amazing that Jen and Tina and I could hold any kind of conversation at all. I stood up with my arms in the air when the wave passed our section again. As I sat down, something in the trees beyond the football field caught my attention, a movement of some kind. Peering past the bright lights, I held my hand over my eyes to cover the glare to try to make out what I’d seen. I thought it was probably the trees swaying since it was a bit breezy, but my instincts felt differently. It was as if I could see the shadows moving within the darkness. My heart began beating in a swift tempo that had nothing to do with the game.
“Did you see that? What a catch,” Tina yelled, slapping me on the arm.
I never responded, but neither she nor Jen noticed. They were too caught up in the game with everyone else. Whatever was happening within the shadows was for me alone.
4
LEAH
SETTING THE tray down, I spotted the familiar small white pill next to my plate. I knew why it was there. The stupid paper sun that shouldn’t have been worth this much grief. Unfortunately, Mother now knew that I’d been up after lights-out.
She told me the pills were for my own good. They would help me fall asleep while she was at work. That way she would know I was safe. I actually didn’t mind taking them sometimes. The pills sent me into a deep slumber that felt like a security blanket. I could dream about anything without fear of Mother finding out.
On other days the pills were a nuisance that robbed me of what little freedom I had. Most nights I stayed awake in the dark for hours after Mother left for work. The lights were controlled by a switch outside the basement door where I couldn’t reach. The darkness to me was a time of peace. In a world where I had no one else to talk to, the shadows became my friends. Like a blind person, I learned to navigate the darkness without sight. I knew every single space of my room by touch alone. Eventually, I would prove my obedience again and the pills would stop, but until then my freedom had once again been limited. “You’re not eating,” Mother observed, scooping corn up onto her plate. “I thought you liked meat loaf.”
I forced my eyes away from the pill and the power it held. “I do,” I said, picking up my fork and taking a big bite. It wasn’t a lie. Meat loaf was my favorite meal. It was one of the rare occasions when Mother would be generous with portions and I would actually get stuffed. Having a full stomach always made me fantasize that maybe I was getting stronger. It was a silly thought. I wasn’t strong. I wanted to be, but my muscles were weak. They’d always been weak. Mother said it was a side effect of my sickness. It could have been worse. I could be bedridden or dead. There was a time I’d wished for death, when my limbs had burned after one of Mother’s punishments. Sometimes the vivid memories still haunted me.
“I thought we would watch a little television tonight,” Mother said.
Like the little white pill, this was no surprise. Mother’s anger may have been unpredictable, but her remorse was always the same. I knew she didn’t mean to hurt me. She didn’t want to strike me. She was only trying to protect me. Television was a truce, her way of apologizing. It was a rare treat that I secretly coveted. It was the one time where I did not need an imagination to see the outside world.
When dinner was over and the dishes were clean, Mother watched as I placed the little white pill on my tongue and swallowed. The effects would move through my bloodstream in less than hour. After looking in my mouth to verify that the pill was gone, she was satisfied. “Good job. You may go change for bed while I hook up the TV.”
I hurriedly changed into the fresh set of pajamas that sat at the edge of my bed, not wanting to miss a moment of the magic. It didn’t even matter what we watched. Every single second counted.
I slid onto the couch next to Mother and she put her arm around my shoulders. She had forgiven me. All I had to do was not ruin the moment by wincing from the still-fresh scabs on my back and arms. The wounds that would eventually scar were insignificant. All that mattered was that she was no longer mad.
Normally we watched educational programs, but on rare occasions, like now, she would put on an actual comedy or drama program. I’d read a lot of books over the years that mentioned television, but none of them had captured the essence of watching it live. Clearly, it was something that couldn’t be translated on paper. That or the characters in the stories never appreciated a little TV time as much as I did.
After about twenty minutes, the effects of the pill began to take hold. My brain felt a bit mushy as the show came to an end. Mother switched off the television. Thirty minutes was all I ever was allowed. Not a minute longer. Tonight, I didn’t mind. Sleep was already tantalizing me, making promises only I would understand. I was ready to sink into the darkness and let everything else fade away.
Mother helped me into bed and covered me up. I closed my eyes, hearing the sound of her footsteps on the stairs. I was asleep before she could even lock the door. As always, the darkness welcomed me into its warm embrace. Loving and gentle like an old friend.
* * *
The next few days came and went without change. Each night at dinner, the little white pill waited on my plate. I began to resent its presence. I welcomed my dreams, but the cost of losing my freedom was making me angry. The emotion was relatively foreign to me. Anger was something I had buried as a useless emotion years a
go when I realized that it changed nothing. No matter how angry I got, my parents had never showed up to get me. I could get angry at myself when I did something to make Mother punish me, but it never stopped the leather strap from tearing me apart.
In spite of my reasoning, I still couldn’t help feeling angry over the little white pill. It was robbing me of something I desperately wanted. Something that had become an obsession. If Mother found out, her wrath would know no bounds.
* * *
I woke up the next morning with a plan. It was dangerous, but worth a try.
“You look happy this morning,” Mother said, placing one slice of bacon on my plate.
“I do?” I looked away, wondering what she saw on my face. She couldn’t know what I was thinking. It would ruin my plan. “I slept well,” I answered lamely.
“That’s good.” She looked pleased at my words and I regretted them almost instantly. The point was to stop taking the pills. If she thought they were helping she would keep them up indefinitely.
After breakfast, Mother gave me my homework assignments for the day and headed upstairs. I stood up and placed my favorite cassette into the tape deck I got as a gift on my eleventh birthday. I liked the music as a distraction from how quiet it could get in my room. I didn’t have much of a selection to choose from and most of the cassettes showed their wear and tear. I was hopeful that Mother would give me more, but it hadn’t happened yet. I learned long ago that Mother became angry if I asked for things like toys, books, or music. Instead she wanted the gratification of providing all my worldly possessions for me. What I liked was never even a consideration.
Humming along to my favorite song, I lifted the couch cushion and reached my hand down into the couch as far as it would go. My fingers fumbled around until they found what I was looking for. “Hello, Daisy,” I whispered after extracting the crude doll I had made years ago out of one of my socks. The doll looked nothing like my old Daisy. She had no arms or legs and her features were drawn on with marker that had begun to fade years ago. Daisy’s eyes were misshapen and her nose was crooked and too big for her face, but it didn’t matter. I loved her. She was my friend, the only one who knew all my secrets. Best of all, Daisy never got angry with me, even when I shoved her deep in the cushions of the couch. She always understood.
Before I started my schoolwork, I sat with Daisy on my lap and whispered my plans into her hand-drawn ear. Daisy didn’t cast judgment. She knew I would get into a lot of trouble if I was caught, but she also didn’t tell me not to do it. That was why she was my best friend. She understood me.
Daisy sat with me while I did my schoolwork and while I finished another book. It was an epic fantasy novel that hooked me instantly.