Even if my arms no longer gave her comfort, I couldn’t keep them from wrapping around her. Would she ever know I chose her in the moment? Would she ever know that giving her an out was the greatest love I could give her? I never imagined losing Tatum would be my most selfless act of love. You were supposed to fight for love. Right?
I pressed my cheek to the top of her head and whispered, “You were never really mine.”
Chapter Eighteen
NOW
We fall into a routine of online schooling, therapy appointments, and sharing Lucy with each other and her friends. The holidays fly by with splitting time between my family and Tatum’s. By spring, her body is stronger, and we’re closer to seeing her on her feet.
“Hey.” I smile at my Lucy when I get home from work.
She’s watching TV with a bag of potato chips on her lap. “Hey.”
“I thought you were going to be with your mom and Josh tonight.”
With a shrug, she shoves more chips into her mouth. “I can’t.”
After grabbing a Coke and downing half of it, I position myself between her and the TV. Her eyes are swollen and red. “Lucy, what happened?” I ask, leaning forward, resting my hands on my knees to put me at eye level with her.
With crumbs and salt stuck to her mouth and chin, her lip quivers, and her eyes fill with more tears. “Ash … Ashton broke u-up w-with me.” She hugs the bag to her chest.
“Oh, baby …” I take the bag from her and replace it with my body hugged to hers. “I’m sorry.” I have a slew of things I want to say, starting with how undeserving he is of my Lucy. But something tells me she doesn’t need that. The fact that she’s here and not with Tatum and Josh must mean she needs something her mom wouldn’t give her.
Tatum would boost her up. Tatum would tell her all the things I’m thinking. She’s not mad at Ashton. I think she loved him. We don’t like hearing anyone put down the people we love, no matter how much they’ve hurt us. I know this so very well.
Sitting next to her on the sofa, I pull her onto my lap like I held her as a young girl. Her torso may be longer now. She might have longer arms and legs, but she’ll always be my little girl. And I will never stop protecting her with my embrace.
After a good ten minutes, when I start to question if she’s fallen asleep, she traces the veins in my arm. “He said he doesn’t want me waiting for him because he’s so busy with soccer and he doesn’t have much time to spend with me. But where am I going? My stupid legs don’t work. Does he really think I have a lineup of other guys I’m turning down while I wait for him? Does he really think I’m that stupid? He wants a normal girlfriend to take to prom. He wants a girlfriend to have …”
I clear my throat. “To have?” I’m afraid to ask because I fear I know the answer. And I hate that a terrible upside to her temporary paralysis is she can’t be sexually active with assholes like Ashton.
“You know. Sex. He wants to have sex like every other senior in high school. And don’t act like you weren’t having sex at his age.”
I lost my virginity at sixteen. Ashton just turned eighteen. I can’t talk, but it doesn’t stop me from judging him. He doesn’t play American football. This isn’t the loss Lucy thinks it is.
“How was therapy today?” I go for the subject change.
“I didn’t go. I told Mom I had an assignment that was due and I needed to skip.”
“And she let you skip?”
She shrugs a shoulder. “She lets me do whatever I want because she feels guilty for the accident.”
“Well, that’s pretty crappy, Lucy. You’re not going to walk … you’re not going to show boneheads like Ashton what they’re missing if you’re holed up in this house playing video games and eating chips. You have to keep working hard. Last week you stood. You. Stood.”
“Then I fell right back into my chair.”
“Lucy …” I position her so she’s sitting next to me instead of on my lap.
Her arms flail out to the side to steady herself. “Dad.”
“Lucy, you stood. That means you will walk. That means you will not live the rest of your life in a wheelchair. That is infinitely better than school dances and … other things.” I smirk instead of saying sex.
“If I can walk, I can have sex.”
Grimacing, I rub my temples. “Not what I’m saying, Luce.”
“But it’s true. If I can walk, I can have sex. I’m seventeen, Dad. You can’t act like I’m your little girl forever.”