Katie slips away quietly, leaving me alone with my daughter. Her eyes are less cloudy now, and when she looks up at me, there is a fascination in her features as her gaze moves over my face. I was so convinced she would be terrified, but all I see is wonder. I understand that because I feel it, too, whenever I look at her.
So small. So fragile. The tiniest fingers and toes. Skin softer than I even knew was possible. It seems like everything is a threat to her, and I am already dreading how I will manage to protect her from the overwhelming dangers of this world.
"You are beautiful," I whisper to her. "Just like your mother. I think you will meet her one day soon. Let us hope."
Her eyes grow sleepy, and she scrunches up her face, a tiny smile forming as she starts to drift off. Katie told me newborns do that sometimes when they have gas or when they are cozy. I suppose right now, she must be cozy.
It is the smallest sign of relief in this landscape of uncertainty.
* * *
"We're going to miss you, little beauty." Katie strokes the baby's cheek, and I nod at her.
I appreciate everything the staff has done for us. If I'm being honest, I would not have survived these last few weeks without them guiding me every step of the way. But now we are being discharged, and I am free to take my daughter home.
A new, alarming journey.
"Thank you, Katie."
She hands me the diaper bag and holds the door open, where Marco is already waiting for me in the hall.
"Everyone is waiting to meet her," he informs me. "The staff cordoned off a section of the waiting room on the fifth floor for the occasion."
I grimace, and Marco shrugs. At times like these, being at a Society hospital is not necessarily a good thing. They can be too accommodating when they think it will please their patients.
I follow Marco down the hall, and we step into the elevator together. He glances down at the baby and then back at me. "You look like a natural."
"None of this came naturally," I answer dryly.
My brow is sweating, and I'm clammy, already considering a hundred different things that could go wrong. The elevator getting stuck. The cables snapping, plummeting us to the ground floor. Trapping us in here without formula for the baby. A gas bubble getting caught in her belly that I can't dislodge. Vomit. Poop. Pee. Those are only just the beginning.
There will be colds and shots at the doctor's office. And boys. Oh God, she's going to date someone eventually. And I'll have to murder him, and then she's going to hate me too.
I glance at Marco with panic in my eyes. "I don't know if I can do this."
"You can." He reaches out, squeezing my arm. "You will just take it one day at a time. Don't think about anything else. Just this minute. Then the next. Don't even think about tomorrow yet. We'll worry about that when it comes."
I release a shaky breath and nod. Just this minute. I can do that.
The elevator opens, and I step out, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. A group of smiling, eager faces is waiting for us when we turn the corner into the waiting room. Eva is the first to approach, so excited she can barely contain herself.
"Oh my god," she whispers, eyes huge. "She's so beautiful."
"I know." I nod approvingly.
Antonia squeezes in beside her, followed by Eli, Hazel, and Colette, and Jackson too. They all make complimentary observations, gushing over my daughter while she watches them curiously.
"Can I hold my granddaughter?" Eli asks.
I meet his gaze, and something softens in me. When I consider it, he seems surprised, and I think I am too. I'm surprised how relieved I am to have him here at this moment.
I move to hand the baby over, and panic ensues again as I withdraw her.
"Wait." I glance up at all of them. "Maybe... I should just hold her for now. There are germs, and the nurses said she can get sick easily."
Marco chuckles under his breath, and they all join in with him. I'm not ready to let her go just yet, but they all seem to understand, settling on observing from nearby for now.
The festivities continue for the next thirty minutes while they offer gifts and congratulations, but as happy as they all are, they can't hide the worry in their eyes too. There's a dark cloud hanging over the occasion, and the truth is, there’s only one place I want to be.
When I finally make my escape, Marco takes all the gifts down to the car while I head back down the familiar hall, stopping outside my wife's room.